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movida · Oct 17, 2014, 02:41 PM

Hi guys, I have been in a committed relationship for two years and I me and my partner have been engaged for a few months. I am 22 and she is 21 our families know about us and they gave us their blessings. She currently told me that she is not telling me something and she kept it from me until I put my life on the line. She confessed that she has feelings for an extra somebody but she doesn't want to leave us because she loves me I really do not know how to take care of this matter to suit the both of us. I am kind of heart broken. Please advise me on how to treat this matter.

CravenMorhead · Oct 17, 2014, 03:27 PM

Okay. So you're engaged. She has feelings for someone else, but also has feelings for you. This is something that she kept from you for two years.

The rational thoughts here, the ones that you need to remember, is that she's engage and with you. I am assuming that when you get married, if you get married, there is a HUGE fidelity clause in your vows. Given all that, you need a few answers from her.
1). What is her depth of feelings for this fellow? Friendship? Love? Is she wanting to have a third person in the relationship?
2). How is she going to act on these feelings? Is she going to cheat on you?
3). What is this person's feelings towards her? Is it reciprocated?
4). Can you deal with all this? Can you accept that she has someone else that she cares deeply for? Will you resent this person.

This isn't the end of the world but you need to approach this carefully and smartly. Figure out what is important here and what isn't. Is this a deal breaker? You need to get beyond your emotional response and figure this out rationally. This might be the end of it and you have to be prepared to accept that. It could also not be an issue. This will be a lot of soul searching and you need answers before you start.

Good luck.

smoothy · Oct 17, 2014, 05:04 PM

If she has such strong feelings for someone else... by definition its really NOT a very committed relationship. Not at this stage of the game.

Alty · Oct 17, 2014, 05:28 PM

I agree with both Craven and Smoothy.

The way I see it, you're in a committed relationship, your fiancé isn't.

It sounds like she wants to wait until she figures out if this other guy feels the same way she does. Just in case he doesn't, she wants you to stick around so she doesn't end up alone. If he's not available, or doesn't want her like she wants him, then she'll marry you. But, if the other guy has the same feelings for her that she does for him, then you're screwed.

That's what it sounds like to me.

So you have to decide if you're willing to be the second choice. Either way, even if I'm wrong, you're still not number 1. If you were, she wouldn't even be considering her feelings for this other guy.

We all experience attractions to other people. There's nothing wrong with that. But she's not only attracted to this person, she's invested enough that she's willing to give up you, the person she agreed to marry, for the chance to explore her feelings for this other person. Or so it sounds from your post.

talaniman · Oct 18, 2014, 07:19 AM

Let me guess, the other guy is not as acceptable a mate as you are to her family. Where in the world are you, and why have you not left her alone to sort herself out?

She is obviously NOT as committed as you are to this marriage, and that makes the engagement sort of a sham, a show for family, but her heart is not fully in it. I smell an arrangement, am I close? Need a lot more info my friend.