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stougas · Sep 27, 2014, 04:11 PM

My brother is a homeless vet and an alcoholic
He wants to come and stay with me "for a little while"
I am stressed -I would like to help my brother but I am afraid I willhave more than I can handle
What is the right thing to do

Alty · Sep 27, 2014, 04:15 PM

This is totally your call, only you can make it.

I'd make a list of pros and cons. Are you married, or is this entirely your choice, no one esles?

Keep in mind that you'll not only have to house him, but likely pay for his food, the water he uses, clothing, and everything else he needs. Homeless people rarely have any money to help out when they move in with someone. Also, he's an alcoholic, so you'll likely have to provide him with alcohol as well.

If you do decide to do this, I'd write a contract, stipulate what "a little time" means, and when you expect him to be out of your home and back on his feet. Also stipulate how much you expect him to pitch in if he can.

Does he have any other options?

tickle · Sep 27, 2014, 05:17 PM

I would hope OP would not provide him with alcohol but find him the nearest 12 step program to get him out of his mess.

joypulv · Sep 27, 2014, 07:07 PM

IF you allow this, he has to be sober at the door.
He has to sign a list of demands:
AA meetings every single day
Not one drop of alcohol as determined by you smelling his breath at the door
You both call around together for shelters and programs for vets, and what benefits he might have, or access to detox
Food and household rules
He may not be alone in the house while you are gone - he goes to a library, coffee shop, drop in center, community center
NO STEALING
Violation of any of the above means he is locked out and you call the police if he doesn't walk away.
And finally - no second chance.

A year ago you were not even able to make ends meet, so if you say no to him, don't beat yourself up. He could ruin what you have, get you evicted, rob you, burn the place down, bring other drunks in. There are shelters (wet and dry) and specific ones for vets. Help him from a mile or two away if you can't let him in.

Jake2008 · Sep 28, 2014, 06:21 AM

I assume that to not take him in, he will remain a homeless vet, addicted to alcohol.

I assume also, that he has been unable to stay in treatment, or in a homeless shelter, because he doesn't wish to follow the rules. I don't know how long he has been homeless, but along the way he must have had choices to change his life, and he remains in this homeless place, of his own doing.

Really think hard about this. Find out if you don't already know, what his recent history has been. Where HAS he been, and what were the circumstances for him to leave/refuse treatment. He may very well be distruptive, violent, unpredictable, and unable to follow any rules.

That he has asked to stay at your home, doesn't translate into he's ready for treatment, because I don't see you saying he has indicated that he is sincere about changing his life.

So, I don't see what moving him in will do for any of you. You can provide a contract of sorts, setting out your rules and expectations, and what do you honestly think will happen with that list once he is in your home?

Maybe instead do a little research to see if there is a treatment facility nearby and provide him with the information. The only thing I would insist on is that he have a minimum of three months of treatment, then you'll talk about him staying with you for a short time until he is employed, and receiving assistance/counseling etc. to find his own place.

It would be a different story if he was struggling with treatment, but in treatment, and was ready for the odd weekend or day out with a family member. That way you could judge how he's doing, encourage him to keep in the program, as well as check to make sure he's telling the truth about how he's really doing in treatment, and what you can expect to see.

And there is no guarantee after treatment, when he is sober and responsible and able to maintain what he has accomplished, that he will do that either. Be prepared then to be armed with good information from addiction services that have treated him, in how to proceed.

Best of luck.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 28, 2014, 06:22 AM

I agree, first, I would not, I would help him find a shelter, and help him find work.

He is not homeless because he is a vet.
E is homeless because he drinks and will not hold a job and pay his bills.

joypulv · Sep 28, 2014, 07:26 AM

I change my mind more towards what Jake says. It's just too difficult to be so strict with someone so close to you. It's too easy to feel guilty. And no matter how strict you are, he can ruin it in one day.

tickle · Sep 28, 2014, 07:53 AM

Addiction services are only implemented when the alcoholic has failed to maintain sobriety through AA. Consistency and a willingness to want to stay sober is key for any recovering alcoholic. However, once an alcoholic, always one; it is a matter of willpower and wanting to improve and be a satisfactory human being again. This takes a good resource system, usually family and friends to maintain reinforcement EVERY day.

If a person cant be dedicated to assisting such a person, I would suggest no involvement at all.

My advice comes from very proximity to an alcoholic; it is indeed a disease, usually genetic.

Alty · Sep 28, 2014, 02:10 PM

AA is a great idea, but will only work if the alcoholic wants to get sober and stay sober. If the OP demands that he be sober in order to live with her, that won't work. It has to be his decision, otherwise he'll continue to drink, and no program will help.

If she's considering taking in her brother, I don't think that demanding AA and staying sober, is going to work. It will just end badly. If being sober is a requirement she has for her brother to live with her, then it's best to just walk away now.

talaniman · Sep 30, 2014, 07:40 AM

He is a vet, and can avail himself of all the services he needs without him living with YOU. Guide him to do so. The best help you can give him is letting him deal with professionals and people trained to help people in his situation, because he needs a lot more than what you can give, and you may be too close and involved to give him the toughest love he may need. Plus I am sure your resources cannot match those of professionals, or come close to being enough.

Maybe after he has gotten his life together, you can reconsider, but that may take years of hard work, help, and support, and resources you don't have. I get you want to help the brother you love but chances are him living with you may do a lot more harm than good to you BOTH.

tickle · Sep 30, 2014, 01:35 PM

I have to agree with tal's post. We have a few locations for AA in our town, some members are on disability but cant live with their relatives because they no longer have the social abilities to do so. They may go to all AA meetings and follow the rules but 80 per cent wind up back on the booze in a rehab centre being dried out again and again.

I really don't think some of them will ever be able to get back l00% to normal.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 30, 2014, 07:04 PM

Read some of the posts on this site, of family members, living with them, that don't work, that steal from them, they lay on the couch or in bed, and do nothing,

This is well what you can be in for. There are homeless shelters, but most require the person to be sober, so many homeless people will not use them, since they have to give up drinking.

So, require him to live in a shelter for a couple of months, sober, and then decide to allow him to move in and help him