[Strelokgreedy]

Hey.

I meet girls mainly on the internet. I lost my virginity this way, to a girl who stood me up several times. She pulled all kinds of weird stuff on me- asking me if I loved her mid-sex, and later on presumably faking a suicide. Perhaps a little graphic of a detail, but I couldn't come because of how so much stuff was going through my head, trying to figure out why she would occasionally pull away from me only to come back and basically mount me. I experienced some derealization during that ordeal.

The next girl is also reluctant to meet me, despite being the one to confess to me. Admittedly, it's a little more understandable when you live in a neighboring country, but I was willing to go meet her first. She was very big on that we have to be exclusive, and after some thinking back and forth I agreed. More and more I felt like I wasn't allowed to hit on her, or say what I thought, because it might offend her. Realizing I'd be stuck in a relationship that draining if I didn't try to change things, I resolved to do something. She asked me what I thought of something she had done, and instead of just saying "that's great" I gave some constructive criticism. She went cold, and later said she was considering not talking to me for a week to punish me. We got agitated, and she again suggested not talking for a week. I agree. She, two days later, sends me a short message, something stupid like "bazinga". For any number of reasons, I didn't reply. She took this as an excuse to go see another guy because she thought I hated her. My best girl friend suggested she probably had someone else lined up, and that she didn't, as she explained it, "just branch out".

I'm fairly insecure but I recognize it. I can get urges to act like these girls but I feel like... asking someone I'm with "do you still like me? I'm sorry, I'm just feeling weird" isn't that terrible. These girls though... it felt like it was different. I don't like playing games like that, I'd really rather have an "open" relationship (communications-wise! Not that we meet other people) where the I'm basically friends with the one I'm with.

But I still recognize insecure behaviors in myself and that these girls are doing these things because they in turn are insecure.

So.

How do I avoid these relationships? How do I let them not affect me?
Am I possibly abusive? What can I do to, well, not be?

[smoothy]

First step is stop relying on the internet to meet people. Walk out your front door and do it the normal usual way, People that live in your town at least... there isn't a country on earth that doesn't have people of the other gender you can meet witout having to look halfway around the planet. All you are doing is meeting other abnormal people who can't seem to relate with normal people either and the cycle continues.

I believe if you stop pretending you can use the computer as a sustitute for meeting people in person, the rest of the problems will resolve themselves.

And her being "reluctant to meet you"...I bet I know why...because its some troll MAN pretending to be a girl.....online they can be anything, and use stolen or copied photos from someone else.

There are people that get their thrills playing that game.

Even if you did eventually meet them in person...it does still boild down to repeating the same mistakes by going after teh wrong type of person...and people do tend to go after a type...even when that type causes them misery and unhappiness. YOu have to recognise in yourself what type upi are seeking out, and how you are presenting yourself thats keeping other types from appoaching you. Until you can. you will be stuck in the same cycle.

[Strelokgreedy]

Yeah, but I can't exactly fake a video call of me, my ID, my address, all that stuff that I offered to give. Especially when I wasn't even trying to do anything with her until she confessed to me! I know a lot about trolls and they can't fake the stuff I did or offered to do!

And I hardly meet any new girls outside of the internet, and picking up people in public... I've tried it, and it was terrible. I've gone out to bars, cruises, but nothing. I tried online dating but I only get treated like a rapist.

[smoothy]

Well most of the people online trying to meet people are there because they lack the social skills to meet people in person too. And you get into this repeating cycle...

Meeting people in person has worked very well for eons... and you see traits very early on you won't hiding behind a computer screen. And not waste months before you finally meet and see them the very first time you do.

Its easy to pretend to be something you aren't behind a computer screen, and quite a few people do... and it usually turns out badly if you ever meet them because in person they can't hide who they really are.

Besides working on your interpersonal skills is a very important part of life. You HAVE to interact with many types of people, and that's they only way you learn to do that. Its only going to be hard at first... it gets easier as you learn to interact with people.

And how can it be any more terrible than meeting the flakes and weirdos you have already?

I have to ask... how old are you?

[Strelokgreedy]

I'm 21.

I've learned a lot about interpersonal interaction over the last few years, but it's still... scary and weird to try to like... try to get contact with a random person in a mall or whatever. I don't meet people at a job or in school or anything. Part of me wishes I could go back and try to get the most out of interaction back when I was in what was basically college...

[smoothy]

Trust me it IS scary.. but I wouldn't go as far as calling it weird. You really don't want to be dating people at work... it never ends well. But you can meet others who are friends of friends... etc... if you see what I am saying. Friend has party, they invite people you don't know... you talk with them, and every so often you meet one that things click with you both, you will see her eyes light up, and excited when they talk with you.

Key thing is start by saying "Hi" to people you bump into at the store, the restaurant, you don't jaywalk across the street in the middle of the block to say high to the girl walking down the other side, that would just be weird. But I hope you see what I am saying. Get comfortable saying hi to people, get used to striking up smalltalk if you are going to be standing around waiting for something else as they are too... the discomfort will decrease and your confidence WILL increase. Just try to avoid bringing up geeky topics... like video games are comicom, etc. Stick to weather, joke about something you are both in line for... etc...

You are 21, plenty of time to learn it. I'd have been far more concerned if you were 31 , 41 or even 51.

Just strike up conversations with anyone...beautiful or ugly, man or woman....get used to just talking not expecting to ever see them again or anythign to result from it. Just enjoy the converstation for what it is that moment. Don't try to hit on anyone you find attractive...talk to them like you might your sister or cousin....

Go in expecting a date for it and you are going to choke, crash and burn. Limit it only to people you consider attractive to you and you aren't going to learn what you need to learn.

[Strelokgreedy]

My best friend isn't the kind to throw parties... I have a pretty small social circle.

I guess I could try to talk to people more in casual settings, but... it's like... people sometimes act like they're being assaulted when you try to strike up conversation. Even when I thought it was a great idea to talk to them, it seemed like a perfect opportunity to comment on that X or whatever. I guess I'll try that.

[Oliver2011]

Holy crappies dude. So much stress and game playing with people that don't know each other. All that stressed me out just reading it.

If your intent is to just bed these girls, then you probably aren't going to find Mrs. Perfect in one of them. Try not having that intent and instead get to know them first. To have a successful physical relationship with someone you need to develop a positive emotional relationship first. Otherwise it's just sex and you take what you can get, which will normally turn out negative.

[smoothy]

Not everyone is going to recoil back if someone they don't know talks to them... but a little common sense goes a long way here... if you detect they don't want to talk after trying to strike up a conversation... don't take it personally and move along. You will have people like that... consider it their loss and not yours. But DON'T dwell over it. Odds are if they are that nasty towards others...you don't want to be their friend anyway.

The biggest mistake some people make is taking everything personally....if you didn't get the job...its unlikely to be personal, if the girld turns you down for a date, its unlikely to be personal, if the guy or girl down the street doesn't want to talk, its unlikely to be personal.

This is the adult world now....in school there were a lot of childish games that took place right up to graduation...and much of that WAS personal, some wasn't. But in reality...very few things happen as an adult that are personal.

Understand that....be able to embrace that....and learn to live it.....and you will be able to talk to anyone about almost anything.

I've actually spoken one on one with a number of famous people, many high ranking government officials, CEO's of some very LARGE corporations and even a couple heads of state over the years for several countries, You'd never guess I was once a fairly shy guy when I was your age.

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ne-789752.html

Stop looking for a relationship from strangers, online or in person. Have fun getting to know someone and that could take MONTHS of dating.

Talaniman Rule - Date them all, fat, short, skinny, or tall. 18-80, blind cripple or crazy.

Pretty obvious you are just looking for a woman to fill your immediate needs and any warm body will do. Usually that means putting up with a lot of crap and drama instead of being alert to red flags, flaws that you should pay attention too and maybe run like hell, or protect yourself.

Get a life that you enjoy, and take your time having fun and making friends first instead of jumping in the sack with an easy good looking body that turns out to look good but act like a whack job. I mean who gets exclusive with an online stranger after the first meeting? A whack job!

Or very inexperienced guy who is desperate for company! Don't be so desperate you fail to see the warning signs of a flawed person. Then you won't be so willing to give your heart to a stranger so quickly, or fall for the crap and drama of a flawed good looking fool.

But of course you have to NOT be a fool yourself my young, inexperienced, desperate friend. You will learn... and make mistakes along the way. We all do.

[smoothy]

Tal... I'd avoid dating the crazy ones if you know it up front (speaking from the perspective of having dated a couple I later discovered really, REALLY were in need of professional help),... you can have a lot of fun with all the others however.

[talaniman]

Crazy people can be fun... sometimes. You never know if they are crazy until you find out.

[smoothy]

I guess if it's the right kind of crazy. The ones I dates were the wrong kind of crazy.

[Strelokgreedy]

I'd be fine with being friends with someone and having sex with them, with no pressure. But it's like... I don't want to sacrifice my mental and physical health just to feel less lonely and get to have sex.

I'm not "set" on only having sex. I like sex. I won't lie about that. I like sex a lot, but I hated the sex I had with that first girl. I practically regret it.

I don't know how not to be desperate. I have low self esteem, I'm scared I'm going to be alone, I'm lonely, and haven't had sex for a long time.

And these were the wrong kind of crazy. We have a good kind of crazy woman in our family. God bless her, she gives me so much energy.

[talaniman]

I had a few tell me the same thing, smoothy. :D

To the OP, work on your own issues that makes you unable to deal/cope with your own feeling, because thats all you can control. You cannot control others, but you can decide how you deal with what they do or say, when you can control yourself.

You live and learn, and worrying about being alone is an issue I wouldn't be worried about. Why do you?

[smoothy]

We had a joke about waking up next to someone you regretted so bad you wanted and considered chewing your own arm off to avoid waking her up so you can make a quick quiet getaway rather than face her.

I've had one of those... she was one of the wrong crazy ones... felt like I was committing necrophillia... except she was probibly a few degrees warmer than a cadaver, she certainly wasn't any more responsive than one..

You are better off with your hand and some porn than you are with one of those.

[Oliver2011]

Listen! You are putting too much emphasis on casual sex. Yes most people like sex. But develop the relationship first and see how much better the physical relationship is when you actual like or love the person you are with. Casual physical fun is okay once in a while. But it leaves you feeling empty and wanting more.

And so what. The first one wasn't great. Most of us can say that. But learn from it and find someone you want to be with emotionally as well as physically.

[DoulaLC]

Do you have any hobbies or activities that you participate in? Often those can be ways of meeting people. It gives you a very good opening for conversation.

If you don't get out and involved in something, consider doing so. Think about how you spend your time. Are you mostly on the computer? If so, give some thought to less time online and more time involved in a couple of activities.

[Fr_Chuck]

I used to just keep asking people I meet out. Maybe for coffee or something. You know, I never had a weekend without a date. I dated all sorts of crazy, perhaps smoothy and I should compare crazy notes one time.

One was into witchcraft, told me, she had secretly made me drink blood, so I would always be hers.

So, there are crazy people in the world.

You don't see them again, and move on, unless you like there level of crazy.

My wife, thinks I am crazy, but she puts up with me, I actually hold hands in public, and will sneak a kiss sometimes. ( OK we are in China, where older couples do not do this)

Nothing wrong with using the computer some, to find people, but move from chatting online to real life dating once you meet them

I used to just keep asking people I meet out. Maybe for coffee or something. You know, I never had a weekend without a date. I dated all sorts of crazy, perhaps smoothy and I should compare crazy notes one time.

One was into witchcraft, told me, she had secretly made me drink blood, so I would always be hers.

So, there are crazy people in the world.

You don't see them again, and move on, unless you like there level of crazy.

My wife, thinks I am crazy, but she puts up with me, I actually hold hands in public, and will sneak a kiss sometimes. ( OK we are in China, where older couples do not do this)

Nothing wrong with using the computer some, to find people, but move from chatting online to real life dating once you meet them

[Strelokgreedy]

I worry about being alone because I've spent the majority of my life alone. I haven't been the most socially active person and I feel like I have a lot to catch up with. And I'm not exactly an extraordinary person or anything, but I guess that doesn't matter. I hate the feeling of being alone, and I love the feeling of being liked by someone.

Yeah that necrophilia thing kind of brings me back to how it was at some times. It was... not fun.

Am I really putting too much focus on sex? I mean I don't just want to have sex, I just want to be close to someone who likes me and stuff. I want to spend evenings together just talking and stuff. And I don't know why I did it with that girl...

My hobbies are "guy stuff". I guess I could take up dancing if I get more confident and stuff.

Old couples do not kiss in china? D:
Maybe I'm crazy too but I think that's cute and that you should.

And I still worry that because I'm so insecure that my asking stuff like if the other person still likes me is going to scare a good, nice person away. I mean I try to help these girls not to be so bad, but I only do that partly because I don't think they'd stay with me otherwise. I mean I do hate seeing people I care about feeling bad. But it's not the only reason. And I know that the way these girls act is abusive. I don't want to be like that to a good, nice person...