[cherry_luv]

My mom committed suicide 4 years ago after almost 10 months of giving birth to my one and only brother for whatever reason I had no idea about. She didn't leave a note or anything or said goodbye to me or anyone. It was also very unexpected nobody knew she was going to die. Nobody. Not even my dad. I assumed that she was depressed about something but I never knew what she never talked about it with anyone so nobody knew she was depressed if she was. I don't even know if she did have depression I'm just assuming she did since she wasn't happy ever I never see her happy. I still remember that day my mom committed suicide. It was a few hours before she died I was off to school and I said bye to her like I do everyday however I have never imagined that that would be the last time I would say bye to her. I came home and she was dead she hung herself. My dad came home an hour later from work and found her dead as well. It was so unexpecting! She never left any hints or clues that she was going to commit suicide. Its just like, you go to school, you come home and your mom is dead. That's what happened to me.

Years after my moms death and I've been living with just my dad and my brother. My dad had found a new woman about a year after my mother's departure so they've been together for quite some time and they had some issues they started to have problems and arguments and it just made my dad depressed I guess he also isn't happy with his job and isn't happy at work so in May he committed suicide as well while I was at school :( it just happened like my mom. Before I went to school I said bye to my dad I thought he was going to go to work but he didn't I came home and he was gone from my life as well. I was so angry at my dad the day he died. I just thought my dad was so selfish that he was just going to leave me a 14 year old and my 5 year old brother alone with no adult leaving me to deal with this all. I was so upset that he would leave his kids like that! I was even more upset that it happened right before my graduation that I had to graduate without both of my parents there... the only person who came was my grandma. What keeps going through my head is that he would actually be selfish enough to end his life and leave my brother and I do whatever.

Worst of all, 2 months after he passed, his new girlfriend (the one I told you about) found out she is actually PREGNANT my dad would've been the father of that child. And that baby is also my half brother or sister and I feel so bad for my new sibling that he or she would never see my dad or even know who he is. And my dad doesn't even know he has 3 children he thinks he has just me and my brother. Its just like my brother since my mom died when he was so young he doesn't remember his mom and he doesn't even know he has a mother so I feel really bad for him sometimes.

I don't know what to do I am overly beyond depressed I lost both of my parents within 5 years I don't know how I can deal with all this stress and pain. However I told myself so many times I won't kill myself like what my parents did. I want to see my new half sibling when he or she is born. I also promised that I would help take care of the child since his or her father won't be here. I want to help raise my new sibling and I want to live to see him or her just that I am so depressed I don't know what to do with my life. Im sick of sobbing every night its just so painful it makes me want to kill myself too but I don't I have gotton to the point where I have actually made myself throw up a few times and I really don't know what to do I need help :(

[smoothy]

You are a prime candidate for grief counseling. Losing a parent is one of the most diffucult things to go through, losing both before you had time to come to terms with the first one is overwhelming.

[teacherjenn4]

Who are you staying with? Please tell that adult or your teacher what's going on in your life. The teacher can refer you to the school counselor for help.