[walg9e]

I have a special "friendship" with an older man I met at my last job. He is 44 and I am 34. We have known for a year and a half. There was an instant closeness that we felt for even though we had just met. He is in a committed relationship and I am not. He has tried to keep his boundaries, but in the beginning, we met up with some other friends from work and you could tell he was very happy to see me. He let me kiss him that night. We got together with the same coworker two other times and all we did was smile at and that night we just kissed. I was lusting for him a great deal, but he would never go home with me because he said he made a commitment with his woman that he wouldn't have sex with anyone else, and told me that they were exclusive. I continued to be friends with him despite the red flags. I figured since he could resist my temptation so well, what the hell, I liked his conversations and his company, so why not? I got fired from that job and had decided that was the end of him. But he started calling my house. He very rarely called me at home since we saw each other at work a few days a week. So we started talking on a more regular basis. Eventually I got his cell phone number and we talked even more. He doesn't live with her, and he doesn't have any children. All we did was talk on the phone and we never saw each other in person. So I told him that I couldn't go on like that and that I could no longer be his friend because even friends saw each other once in a while. But 3 days later I ended up calling him back. We talked about why I couldn't accept what he was able to give, and I told him that I was in love with him and talking on the phone was not enough for me. I had a friend pass away and asked him to come over so I could have a shoulder to cry on. He did and we got clear on a lot of things. Two weeks later we had lunch. The next day he brought me some money for gas and a sex toy. The next day he brought me some advil for a backache. Two weeks later he came over to chill for a few hours. So now he is coming around more often, but he still does not even go to first base with me. All we do is kiss and if I am straddling him,he'll rub my butt, but he never tries to touch my breast, or vagina. He said he and his woman made an agreement that they are exclusive and are to only have sex with each other and that although he would love to make love to me, he can't. Once he came over and I tried to rape him. The next day he told me that he wanted me to understand that he wasn't rejecting me. He wanted me to know that it was because he is with someone else, he couldn't take it there. Our friendship is like a relationship without the sex. I feel as though he is my man. We have an intensely intimate relationship. We have a spiritual and emotional connection without the inclusion of sex. Basically we are having an emotional affair. But when I asked my grandfather what he thought, he said he was gay.:eek: He said any man who is sexually attracted to a woman and she is trying to give it to him and he rejects it, he must not be attracted to women. He said that he doesn't allow me to touch him erotically and he doesn't touch me erotically because he isn't sexually attracted to me. I don't want to believe that because I feel like he is sexually attracted to me when we are together and that he just respects his woman and their relationship. He said it sounds like he doesn't have a woman and he is full of . I'm blind and can't see clearly. Maybe there are clues that I haven't picked up on, but I think that eventually, because of the direction we are going,( we talk every night until his phone dies) he is eventually going to (if he really does have a woman) have to make a decision as to whether he's going to stay with her or be with me, OR come out of the closet. What do you think? Is he gay? Does he really have a woman who I might add he NEVER talks about? And should I continue our "friendship". There are a lot more factors to this relationship that I can't say or else no one would read this. But if I need to answer any questions I will.

[Matt3046]

Ok I am not really sure because your post is way too long (no one will read it) but he is probably gay.

[mckenzie134]

WELL IF HE HAD A WOMAN HOW THE HELL DOES HE HAVE ALL THAT TIME TO TALK TO YOU EVERY NIGHT. I THINK YOU NEED TO FOLLOW HIM AND FIND OUT THE TRUTH FOR YOUR OWN SAKE. STALKING IS NOT Recommended BUT IN THIS CASE SOME SMALL SURVEILANCE ON HIM MIGHT HELP YOU KNOW WHAT DIRECTION YOU SHOULD GO IN. hE OBVIOUSLY Doesn't LIKE YOU AS =MUCH AS YOU LIKE HIM. Once again don't go crazy looking for him maybe just go for a walk down near his place and call him up yuou need to know what his real story is so you can leave or keeep talking with him but at the moment it does not look good it looks like he is just using you for some conversation or something. And I donty get why yuou are stradling him for and he is rubbing your bum, maybe you have a nice bum but if he has a woman and he was so committed he would not bne doing that, that is for sure... He is lying in some way cause if he wasn't as soon as he starts rubbing your bum he wouldn't be able to help himself he would be giving you more than that.

I must add there are some guys out there though who don't mind rubbing bums and kissing but will take it no further cause they have a partner that could possibly be the truth but if he was so happy with her would he be wasting his time talking to you all the time something is very weird here you need to maybe let him go and I know you don't want to but it may be the only way to get him to come to you cause as you keep putting yourself on him he feels he can just do as he pleases... good luck

[teachermama3]

When you say older, how old is this man? The reason I am asking is because something sort of similar happened to my aunt and her husband. He is in his forties, and so is she. She was offering him sex, but he would constantly turn her down. Turns out, he was having an affair, but it was not physical. He was having an "emotional affair." He had found a woman that he really connected to, but he would not sleep with her because he was married. My aunt stuck with him through the affair, and after much research, she found that as men get older, their sex drives diminish so that, while still physically attracted to women, their need for sex is not as strong. Older men are not the horndogs that we are used to, in other words. Sexual attraction and foreplay is based more on emotional connection as opposed to , say, getting it on on the first date. I would say this makes for a better relationship-perhaps you can wait it out and see what happens. I do not think he is gay.

[talaniman]

If he was gay why is he with you? And yes, mature men don't fall for the sex games like younger guys do, especially if he has some one he gets it from, which in today's world is very smart. Because of disease and pregnancy a man has to be careful.

[louie1]

He is not gay but I would say has serious issues with wondering whether he can fulfill you himself. If his relationship with his partner was exclusive he would not see you at all. I think he has issues in that area and is scared that once he " goes there" you will rejct him.

[walg9e]

Yeah you would think so. But he justifies it by saying we're friends. And it's hard to find good people who are genuine, and that he felt a closeness to me before he even met me like he knew me already. Like we were already friends. BUT ANYWAY, Yesterday he came by for a quick minute, and I mean a quick minute, to give me some money for my daughter's 5th birthday. He gave me a hundred dollar bill! He volunteered to help me out. I didn't ask him for anything. So he stopped by and gave me a kiss on the corner of my mouth and cheek. He made sure he wouldn't stay long because he kept his car running.

So he called me around 2:30am and I told him that was the fastest he ever left me. He said he was tired and ready to get home and take off his boots. He had just got off work. I told him I would've rubbed his feet for him and he said it wouldn't be hard to get comfortable at my house, so he had to leave. I asked why he didn't kiss me on the lips? He said he kissed me on the corner, and I told him I get it. You are trying to be strong and I have to respect that. But then I went off in a good way and told him he can't be going backwards. He has spoiled me and he had to keep it up.

He told me it wouldn't be hard to kiss you all the time. He told me it wouldn't be hard to give me his all but he can't. He gives me what he can and he feels like I am getting the short end of the stick because he wants to give me his all. I told him that I agreed. We play argued about the peck on the corner of my lips and later he told me he loved me. He really never told me that before. He told me once before, and I then asked him if he meant he loved me as a friend? And he said yes. So last night I didn't ask if he romantically loved me, but I think he does, but doesn't want to admit it or tell me. I'm not waiting on him to leave his woman per say, because I am open to meet other men, but in the meantime, I am hoping that his relationship fails so I can be his woman. You know what I mean? Am I wrong for wishing that? I mean I didn't purposely go after him and try to take him away, it just developed over time and now I want all of him. Is that wrong?

[louie1]

Do you know I think this is how he justifys his relationship with you.

I cannot tell you what is right or wrong but I will tell you I am in a similar relationship further down the line and I have been waiting a year!

I have found that whilst I cannot find the strength to walk away as I feel all I want is him our relationship is now starting to change as I feel I am worth much more than a strands of time that he can fit in.

If you decide you are in for the long haul be prepared for a roller coaster ride as never runs smooth.

Good luck & best wishes Louise

[talaniman]

There is something not right when a guy has a friend who obviuosly wants more than he can provide, and knows it, but continues to see you and talk to you. Its almost like he is grooming you for some future agenda. I think you need to know more about him, and what motivations he may have. Have you actually been to his house, or are you taking his word for everything he has told you about himself. Honestly this doesn't look like its going anywhere fast.

[Tuscany]

Ok I am not really sure because your post is way too long (no one will read it) but he is probably gay.

This is not true. Many people read the longer posts. If you can't take the time to read it then it is hard to say if he is gay or not.

[walg9e]

I know his mom lives with him and he has a two family house and his sister lives on the other side. I know where his house is even though he's never invited me there. I know he doesn't live with his woman because his mom often comes in the room and I tell him to tell her I said hello. He has never lied to me, and I feel I can trust his word until he does lie about something. I just don't know when he sees his woman. It would seem as if he would spend the night with her when he's off. For example, he was off for 5 days starting on Saturday. He told me she has a morning job. I am going to assume that she's off on the weekend, but even if she wasn't, he was. I know he never spent the night with her any of those five days because we talked on the phone until 4 and 5 in the morning every night. So if he has a woman, why wouldn't he spend the night with her? That's a bit strange to me. I'll have to find out a way to ask him that.

Basically the Talilman is right about him grooming me for something. He's taking it very slow and making sure not to rush into anything. It's like he sees potential in me, but wants to make sure its not something that will fade fast. He told me sex confuses things and that by excluding it, he is able to see things more clearly. He is able to see the truth so to speak. He slowly has opened up some doors and looking back, I know this. He just moves cautiously like a game of chess. He wants to make sure it's right. He told me that because we have this automatic closeness, he is moving faster than usual. I told him I hate to see how long he usually takes.

At first we only talked at work, then about 6 months later, he began calling me from work to my house maybe once or twice a month. Then I got fired and he began calling me at home about 4 times a month and then more. This past New Years Eve, he gave me his cell number and we began talking more and more. We began talking maybe 3 times a week and then gradually it became everyday. During spring break, we began talking all night. Then he started to come around me and now he is doing things for me like giving me things like money or advil because my back was hurting and calling two or three times a day. He is opening up and giving me more of him. So what do you think now?

[talaniman]

I am disturbed by the other woman bit, but maybe you should go even slower than he is. I don't want to give you false hope though, not with the little facts at hand.
Actually you should be telling him to stop leading you on, and go back to his woman. But forcing some ones hand would be me, and not you so take that with a grain of salt.

Work on yourself and make sure you are independent, and need nothing from no one, as too many gifts and a lot of gratitude is a control thing and may endear you to some one, but not obligate you. Look out for you and your interests.

[walg9e]

I found out that my TM is a polyamorist. He feels he should be able to love more than one person as long as all parties are aware of the other. He and his woman have agreed to allow themselves to have other intimate relationships as long as they don't become sexual. She has other men who are important and close to her and he has other women. The whole thing is about being open and communicating. I understand everything now and I don't know if I can be down with it, but I do want to further understand it.

Talaniman,
I think he was or still is grooming me to be open to polyamory. He asks questions like do I think a person can love two people, and if I feel that the love I give him is reciprocated, and that there are many facets to loving people. It's like he is trying to teach me to think like a polyamorist. And quite frankly it's working a bit. If he would give all of himself to me, I would be cool with the situation as long as I was able to be open to allow another man into my life if I were to meet someone. I know it sounds crazy and a bit unrealistic, but when you look at things in a different way, what's the harm. It is society that grooms us to believe we can only be able to love one person at a time. That is a cultural thing. But it is possible to love more than one person. That's how people have affairs. But with this way of life, there is no deceit, lies, or expectations. Everyone knows and accepts willingly and generally want everyone involved to be happy and live a life of love.

[Maricruz]

Gay? Don't think so...
Married... hmmm... I once dated a guy who never told me he was married until one day I called him at home and his three year old answered the phone. You talk about a shocker... and then, later on, I found out I wasn't the only one he was "dating"... and this guy treated me very nicely... go figure...
Oh... and that phone call was my last...

[ordinaryguy]

IIt's like he is trying to teach me to think like a polyamorist. And quite frankly it's working a bit. If he would give all of himself to me, I would be cool with the situation as long as I was able to be open to allow another man into my life if I were to meet someone.

So do you think you really would be able to be open to allowing another man in your life? If you really were getting "all of himself", would either of you have the necessary time and attention left for other relationships of a similar depth? It sounds like this one is already taking up most of what you have to give. Real, deep love relationships take a lot of time and attention, and we only have 24 hours a day to divvy up between all the things we want to do in life. Even if everybody involved can manage to slay the green-eyed monster of jealousy (a very big if) there's still the practical difficulties of fitting it all in with all of life's other obligations.

I know it sounds crazy and a bit unrealistic, but when you look at things in a different way, what's the harm. It is society that grooms us to believe we can only be able to love one person at a time. That is a cultural thing. But it is possible to love more than one person. That's how people have affairs. But with this way of life, there is no deceit, lies, or expectations. Everyone knows and accepts willingly and generally want everyone involved to be happy and live a life of love.

Crazy, no. Unrealistic, yes. Deceit, no. Expectations, yes. It's proper and unavoidable. We EXPECT those we love to honor their commitments to us, and we should. We EXPECT to receive love in the same measure that we give it, and we should. We EXPECT the relationship to grow and develop, and we should. A relationship that truly has no expectations associated with it is not really a genuine love relationship, it is a transient fling.

[RubyPitbull]

I found out that my TM is a polyamorist. He feels he should be able to love more than one person as long as all parties are aware of the other. He and his woman have agreed to allow themselves to have other intimate relationships as long as they don't become sexual. She has other men who are important and close to her and he has other women. The whole thing is about being open and communicating. I understand everything now and I don't know if I can be down with it, but I do want to further understand it.

Talaniman,
I think he was or still is grooming me to be open to polyamory. He asks questions like do I think a person can love two people, and if I feel that the love I give him is reciprocated, and that there are many facets to loving people. It's like he is trying to teach me to think like a polyamorist. And quite frankly it's working a bit. If he would give all of himself to me, I would be cool with the situation as long as I was able to be open to allow another man into my life if I were to meet someone. I know it sounds crazy and a bit unrealistic, but when you look at things in a different way, what's the harm. It is society that grooms us to believe we can only be able to love one person at a time. That is a cultural thing. But it is possible to love more than one person. That's how people have affairs. But with this way of life, there is no deceit, lies, or expectations. Everyone knows and accepts willingly and generally want everyone involved to be happy and live a life of love.

You need to start doing some research on your own about polyamory. The emotional turmoil that can develop can be crippling. You need to be aware of the fact that polyamorists do have sexual and emotional relationships with more than one partner. Eventually, you and he will have sex. If he is not married, maybe he will marry you, maybe not. But, can you accept the fact that at some point, he will be just as emotionally and sexually committed to at least one other woman, if not more than one? He has this GF. He doesn't talk about her with you because for now, that is the agreement they have. It also would put a damper on his "grooming you" as Talaniman puts it. Your BF is not going to get rid of her for you. He will just be sexually active and emotionally committed to both of you. He also should be agreeing to introduce you to his GF if he is seriously a polyamorist. That is what they do. They are completely honest with their partners and hide nothing. If he is as committed to his GF as he says he is, you need to be able to meet her to let the reality of the situation sink in. Do you believe that you can handle all this? Look at how much turmoil you are in now, and you haven't even started a sexual relationship with him!

You really need to give this a lot more thought and do a lot more research on this. See if you can talk with other polyamorists to get a true picture of the situation and before you get yourself in any deeper, you need to ask him to introduce you to the GF to make sure that she doesn't have a problem with it. Unfortunately, when you become physically involved with someone, it is very hard to control the emotional reaction that occurs when you know your partner is going to spend the night in his other lover's bed.

[padjasdika]

Perhaps his "woman" is an std. that would make sense. Right now he is doing everything with you but getting sexual.