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Cece1982 · Jul 25, 2014, 02:10 PM

Hey guys
So I started dating this guy back in October after 3 months calling and texting every day. We dated for two months everything was perfect and amazing, not a day passed that we didn't talk. Then the unthinkable happened. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship and that he was bottling it! He said it was nothing I'd done, I was lovely etc and with everything he had going on it wasn't possible. This all happened at a time he was working away and having problems with his sons mother. We ended up staying in contact and dating casually, dinners and drinks hell I even went to visit him while he was working abroad. The trouble is when we date I spend the night with him and it always is lovely, we laugh the whole time he holds and kisses me all night in our sleep and you know when you feel that closeness and connection? Well it's like that, trouble is he starts pulling back a few days after, then somehow we end up dating again and the same thing happens. So I've gone no contact for 10 days I didn't respond to his last message. My question is what do you think is going on with him and do you think no contact will bring him closer again? I should add that he is classic commitment phobe material, bad break up and no father son relationship.
Hope someone has some kind of answer as I really don't.

Alty · Jul 25, 2014, 02:16 PM

No, no contact will not bring him closer. You're thinking that no contact is a way to get the person you desire, to desire you as well. That's not what no contact is used for.

No contact is used to get you away from this person, get them out of your life, and move on to greener pastures.

He doesn't want to have a relationship with you. He's been honest from the start. If you continue to go out with him every time he wants some booty, a bit of slap and tickle, and then you're shocked when he distances himself again, that's something you need to work on.

He doesn't want to date you, he just wants to have a friend with benefits. If you can live with that, then go for it, but don't expect more. It isn't going to happen.

Cece1982 · Jul 25, 2014, 02:37 PM

Thanks for that, kind of knew it anyway but sometimes it helps for someone to just say it fraught to you. I wasn't ready to be dating when I met him after a seven year relationship. I'm sticking with no contact being brave and walking away.

Alty · Jul 25, 2014, 02:49 PM

Originally Posted by Cece1982

Thanks for that, kind of knew it anyway but sometimes it helps for someone to just say it fraught to you. I wasn't ready to be dating when I met him after a seven year relationship. I'm sticking with no contact being brave and walking away.

That's a good idea. Why waste time on someone that doesn't want you in his life long term, just for a bit of fun?

It's better to move on and find someone that wants to be in a relationship with you.

Good luck. :)

talaniman · Jul 25, 2014, 04:03 PM

You obviously wanted different things at this time in both your lives, him more casual, you more committed, and growing. No problem, as you are more into him than he is you, and he has many different priorities, and distractions in his life. That's what's up with him. He has baggage from the past to deal with.

He was honest about where he is at so act accordingly. No contact should never be a game to draw someone closer, and no substitute for honesty. If you cannot handle casual, you should have said so. It was fun for 9 months, and maybe too soon for anything but casual to be frank, or even an exclusive commitment.

I don't think NC is a proper tool to change someone's mind though. Just as sleepovers and intimacy isn't a sign of commitment, or a future.