[dman1998]

Hi,
I am just wondering if anyone can help me. I have been wanting to tell my dad that I don't want to come over to his house because I always feel very uncomfortable. So basically I just need help on how to tell him this. Because I know it will hurt his feelings.

[talaniman]

Does this have to do with your other post? (Step sister).

[dman1998]

[MENTION=23847]talaniman[/MENTION]
Kind of... But not really...

[talaniman]

He will ask why. What will you tell him?

[dman1998]

[MENTION=23847]talaniman[/MENTION]
Clearly I am asking what I should tell him when he asks why!!

[Wondergirl]

Why are you uncomfortable?

[Fr_Chuck]

First have your discussed with him, why you are having a problem, and given him a chance to correct some of it.

You will have to tell him what you think... We can not tell you some lies to tell him.

Make a list..
1. what you do not like
2. what you feel should change
And so on. Ask him to do other things with you, during this time.

Also, there may be some questions as to if your mother is having a role in this, trying to cause issues. (from a legal point of view)

[dman1998]

@Fr_Chuck
OK!! Well obviously I'm not asking you to lie you don't need to be a complete jerk! I am not asking you to tell me what to say I am asking how to say it with out hurting his feelings! @Fr_Chuck I am asking you not to respond no more because you were very mean! I will not be listening to any advice you give so not worth your time! THANK YOU!

[Wondergirl]

If you tell us what makes you uncomfortable, we will give you ideas on what to say and how to express yourself so it makes a difference and gets through to him.

[dman1998]

[MENTION=159192]Wondergirl[/MENTION]
There are numerous reasons... What I am not asking for what to say! I am asking HOW to tell him without being mean! So how should I say it. Or how should I react about it, MEAN, NICE, CALM, SERIOUS, ETC

So basically I just need help on how to tell him this. Because I know it will hurt his feelings.

[Wondergirl]

You know your dad and how he will react to your reasons. If it were MY dad, I'd sit him down at a time when we're alone and both of us are calm. I would use "I" statements to tell him how I feel. Of course, I would have darn good reasons to back me up. I would listen calmly when he talked or explained. We would both act like adults.

[DoulaLC]

@Wondergirl
There are numerous reasons... What I am not asking for what to say! I am asking HOW to tell him without being mean! So how should I say it. Or how should I react about it, MEAN, NICE, CALM, SERIOUS, ETC

Serious and calm. Not sure why you would throw mean in there if you are not wanting to hurt his feelings, but maybe you just meant that as an example.

If you feel that you have good reasons, then say so. Be prepared for the possibility that your dad will also share his reasons he feels otherwise. Then you can discuss it.

Fr_Chuck gave you a very good point to consider, and he did answer what you had asked...the post Fr_Chuck responded to did ask for WHAT you should tell him when he asks, not HOW should you say it. If your reasons are things that your father could make some changes on, then give him that chance.

Otherwise, just say it straight, "Dad, I love you, but I feel that now would be a good time for me to move to, or live at ????? and here's why......."

[odinn7]

Wow, you're an angry little guy, aren't you? The way you treated the members here who were trying to help you is completely uncalled for. Everyone in this thread was trying to help you and all you did was lash out. This is not the way to get help from people.

So let me see if I can answer this for you....You're worried about hurting his feelings...it was easy to hurt feelings of those who tried to help you here so perhaps you should pretend your dad is one of them and treat him the same way.

Or...let's see...you could simply say, "Dad, I don't want to come over to your house anymore because I am uncomfortable but I won't tell you why I'm uncomfortable and if you ask me, I'll yell at you and treat you like garbage."

Yes, I think that should work.

I see you did a similar thing to people trying to help you in another thread too. I'm surprised anyone is even bothering to answer you.

I seriously think you owe an apology to everyone here that tried to help you...

Ungrateful...

[Fr_Chuck]

There is no way to tell him that you do not care for him, or love him enough to put up with some issues to see your father.

You seem to have an attitude, could that be part of the issue at your fathers, you are not getting things, the way you want?

[dman1998]

[MENTION=159192]Wondergirl[/MENTION]
I think your right I just need to stay calm.. But also should I be kind of serious about it?

DoulaLC
Thank you for your response. However I am not here to argue with you about what Fr_Chuck said... I obviously disagree with him and that is my choice.. But thanks anyway :) :)

odinn7
I am not here to argue with you! Also I felt like some people that have been answering on here are being mean to me! Your post was uncalled for as well, and I think you owe and apology as well! I AM NOT HERE TO ARGUE WITH YOU!

Thanks
Enjoy the rest of your day/night :) :)

Fr_Chuck
I am sorry for lashing out on you I just felt like you were being kind of harsh to me... I do not think attitude is an issue... I am asking how should I act when I tell him... NOT WHAT SHOULD I TELL HIM.. Again I am sorry but I also felt you were being mean to me as well..


Thanks!
Enjoy the rest of your night/day :) :)

[dman1998]

Hi,
I know I have posted something similar to this but its kind of a different situation.
Let me kind of go into detail kind of what has happened through out my life...

When I was barely 2 years old my grandma was watching me while my mom was at work. May I point out my mom had a lot of financial issues because she was trying to take care of 2 other kids. One day she was crying to my grandma that she was not providing me with the care that I truly needed. My grandma decided that it was best that I lived with her and my grandpa. I have lived with them since I was 2 years of age, I am now 15.

Here are some of the reasons I do not want to live with my dad...

1.) I have lived with my grandma and grandpa since I was 2 years of age.

2.) My dad is not married yet to my step mom or my future step mom

3.) My dad and step mom fight quit often

4.) I feel like I would miss my grandma and grandpa too much cause I do everything with them.

PLEASE NOTE: IF YOU PREVIOUSLY READ MY OTHER THREAD I JUST DONT WANT TO GO OVER THERE UNTIL THINGS CHANGE THIS IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TOPIC!!

Also I have some reasons that I don't want to live with my grandparents...

1.) I feel like I am treated different then everyone else

2.) They are not my BIO parents therefore I feel like they should not have to raise me

3.) I feel like I am always left out, and that I always have to stay home...

There are also many things that I like about both places I just don't know where to go... What do you guys think?

[Wondergirl]

Tell him you want to talk about some serious stuff that is really bothering you. Ask him if he is willing to listen and then calmly discuss things with you. Even decide on special words for each of you to say that will let the other person know a short break is needed -- like his word could be "parachute" and your word could be "avalanche." Or whatever.

[dman1998]

[MENTION=159192]Wondergirl[/MENTION]
Yeah thank you! You always provide me with great tips!

Thank you so much!

[talaniman]

First off, don't be so sensitive to others here that want to help, as you should realize none of us know what you are feeling or experiencing in your situation and maybe a misunderstanding can be corrected with filling in the blanks with more facts, which is often the case with the written word.

Having said that I think we all can see why you would not want to be caught in the middle of the middle of your dads adult situation. I go back to what I told you before, when you are not comfortable, you should say so, and say why to your dad. At least that gives him a chance to make some changes and you really should be in a listening mode to hear what he has to say about it.

I think you have lumped many of the things that bother you into one big ball of confusion, and think you benefit greatly from breaking them down into smaller pieces, because I admit it may be a bit much for a young fellow (I don't know your age) to deal with. In this case with visiting your dad, which is important to you both, I don't think it should be cut completely out, but worked on and changed, so I think you start simply by telling him you are uncomfortable, and why, and then step back and let him digest and process what you have said. You don't have to be mean, or angry at all, no matter his reaction (which may hurt, no doubt, you both). No doubt he may be as UNcomfortable as you are.

If you haven't been talking as father/son before, you have to take small steps and express yourself gently, but honestly (remember that suggestion from the other question?). I think that's the way to start this off with your dad, and see it as a first step, and don't be discouraged if things don't change instantly, or you don't get what you want, because it takes time to sink in, and he may not be comfortable yet either.

So just be honest, gentle, and PATIENT, because time is the most important thing. It takes time for us humans to get over discomfort, and LEARN to be comfortable. I am betting you and your dad haven't established a very comfortable relationship yet, and that's okay. You both have many things distracting you at this time. Understand that. Go slow, and just be honest and patient with your dad. After all, he cannot know how you feel until you tell him.

Fair enough? And while your at it, give us adults here a fair chance also because we just want to help.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, I was harsh, and it is OK, I did not respond meanly, sometimes it takes getting angry, to get to the point, of accepting help.

I call it tough love.

The issue, is, that there is not going to be a way, to do it, where he will not be hurt, unless there are really good reasons , that you are willing to talk to him about.

** I am assuming he cares and wants you over.

It is hard, and we do understand. I just had to work out custody arrangements with my ex wife, over our son ( who is 13) While we live in the same city, now, soon we will be living on opposite sides of the country, and in about a year, most likely on different hemispheres.

What we also did not discuss, was partly the legal issues also. If he has court ordered visitation, where your mother is obligated to make you available.
Courts have varioius opinions on if , when and how, a child can refuse to go.