[Ajek]

Background:
I am a foolish guy at the age of 17 who is germaphobic, shy, and depressed. Thus, I have little to no self-esteem and feel like naught but a bother in most circumstances; therefore, I am having conflicting thoughts about a friendship that I developed with a classmate, a girl also at the age of 17.
This classmate of mine was dealing with severe depression during the school year. Since we were lab partners in a science class, I learned about and then aided her with this depression, resulting in a friendship. She has regained emotional stability and now wants to help me with my depression. However, I fear that my problems would be naught but a burden. Do I not have an obligation to lighten the load life throws upon my friends, not build upon it?
Furthermore, much to my shame, I am filled with doubt. There are far more entertaining people to be around; there are those who care much more; there are those who could inspire larger smiles and greater laughter. Why care about me? I fear that the answer is pity. I helped her, and I fear that now she feels obligated to help me. I seek not to be a bother, an obligation. I have no right to accept such a role.
Thus, I refuse her kindness in this regard. However, I fear that it seems like it is because of lack of trust, resulting in insult. Therefore, no matter which path I choose, to confide or to hide, I find naught but negativity. I ponder if it is time for me to depart. I can do nothing else to aid her. Have I not outlived my purpose?
But, should I leave, I seek to do it in such a way that all blame is placed upon me. I cannot have her worried she did something wrong.

Question:
I seek not absoluteness but, instead, perspective, for mine is flawed. Is it wrong to burden my friend with my troubles or should I politely dissolve the friendship in order to remove a potential bother from her life?

Sorry about irrationality, and thank you for your time.

[Oliver2011]

"There are far more entertaining people to be around" - the only thing you said in that sentence is people are different. And yes they are.

"there are those who care much more" - the only thing you said in that sentence is people are different. And yes they are.

So who cares? You are different than the people you know. So am I. Wouldn't it be a boring place if we are all the same.

You need a new perspective in live. You should do some reading up on living in the moment. When was the last time you walked outside and appreciated the beauty of a crystal blue sky? A bird singing? A dog's tail wagging?

If something isn't working in your life, choose a new path. Make changes so that you are creating something new for you. When was the last time you got some exercise? I am a firm believer that exercise is very good for the mind, soul, and body. It relieves stress.

And lastly, stop starting sentences with "I fear". If you want to make positive changes in your life, make them. You are in complete control of that.

[joypulv]

I skimmed all your posts of the last year. I have rarely encountered so much negativity in my life. (And after all our attempts to help you with the girl you loved, you dropped the subject. Is this the same girl?)

Self loathing is usually more of a moebius strip, especially when you call attention to it. You want people to protest, or you would be silent. A good friend (who happens to be a psychologist too) told me, when I was dumped by my husband, that I was so depressed that I wasn't even putting myself down. VERY thought provoking statement! And you mention how you treat people you hate (hate is a strong word that I reserve for despots and child molesters). True self loathers don't hate. They are too full of self loathing to think that anyone else deserves hate.
Ergo - I think you are full of it. You actually have some pretty good opinion of yourself but cloak it in self deprecation. Get some therapy. It's too deep for strangers online to unravel.

[Oliver2011]

Thank you Joy. I just reread as well. And I agree.

[joypulv]

There's also the matter of the writing style. You live in California and are 17, but write like a 70 year old Brit, or someone from a country that had a British influence, because of the stilted and antiquated style. American teenagers don't say 'naught,' just for starters.

[Precious7]

Sorry I don't have an answer to your question! But wanted to say that, You are really good in your writing, I like the way you present it, I like the ways you deliver your thoughts, I like that! and you are not Foolish by any chance! in fact, you have a great talents, OMG you can be a great writer someday if you want! Keep it up! You are sooo good! ;)

[catonsville]

Young fellow, you have the rest of your live ahead of you. You seem to be calling out for help but tend to put up road blocks to your future. Why do you think it is alright for you to fix a problem for a friend yet you want to throw away that friend who is willing to help you? Fixing a problem takes knowledge and understanding so why not let your friend help you? Smell the roses, if you were old like me maybe I could better understand your feelings. You are better than what you think of yourself, go forward.

[talaniman]

What steps have you taken to make yourself better. Positive actions are the best cure for negativity you seem to wallow in. At least talk to your family doctor and honestly tell him, as you have us here, about your phobias and fears. At least try something, since taking suggestions is not your strong suit. I mean if you are going to keep starting these well written threads and offer no feedback to the suggestions posted for you, you could reread what you have written and make a plan to not be so selfish and let your friend help you where you have helped them.

Sound reasonable?

Bet you don't even start your day saying hello and smiling at the face in the mirror do you? Its great practice for a more positive attitude that starts with you, or you could be honest and admit to yourself that you like wallowing in your own self pity. If that's the case enjoy yourself.

You want to change then change yourself.