[simpleman75]

So... what happens if you "find out" anything. What changes? What if you were snooping on someone who wasn't doing anything to begin with... they find out... get p*ssed of and walk out of your life because you violated their space, privacy and trust?

WHat happens is you find yourself alone... and you will continue to convince yourself it's the other person as you sabatoge future relationships.

Married people have no less right to personal space and privacy just as single people do. And its no less important to them.

If you can't trust your SO... then its time to call it quits... snooping will only destroy any trust they had in you, then its really beyond saving because you just threw gasolene on the fire.


Walking up to your SO saying " Honey....I've been snooping on you fpr months and I want to congratulate you for passing....you've finally earned my trust" isn't going to illicit a response you want or like. In fact, it a would be wise to dig out that old athletic cup and put it on before you do it. Maybe that old football helmet too.

You are correct. I think that if there is no communication between the two, and one feels the need to snoop then it may be too far gone, however it may be a wake up call to communicate. It is easy to get in a rut or feel comfortable with your SO and not realize your own faults. Having just gone through something similar my take may not be one of complete level headedness. All of your's are valid points, but when you are actually going through it, sometimes you react before thinking. It is hard to ignore warning signs and no act on your gut feelings... or call things off based on suspicions.

[smoothy]

That's where self restraint comes to play... You have to know what's right to do... and force yourself to do it despite gut reactions to do otherwise.

Its easy to say thing or do things in the heat of the moment that can't be taken back.. or undone. That's when you have to dig deep down inside and do what is right... not what you might want to do.

[talaniman]

Not her fault you reacted before thinking and became a snoop. Now all you are doing is justifying it and making her behavior suspicious. Its still wrong you didn't confront and deal with the suspicious behavior directly, instead of adding fuel to the fire by snooping. Snoopers will never be satisfied with the truth.

Bet your wife wanted a divorce when you confronted her with the results of your snooping.

[simpleman75]

Not her fault you reacted before thinking and became a snoop. Now all you are doing is justifying it and making her behavior suspicious. Its still wrong you didn't confront and deal with the suspicious behavior directly, instead of adding fuel to the fire by snooping. Snoopers will never be satisfied with the truth.

Bet your wife wanted a divorce when you confronted her with the results of your snooping.

No, actually I started snooping after she said she wanted a divorce. After 19 years of marriage and I was caught off guard, and was curious as to why because I did not want to flush 19 years down the drain. I have never been a jealous type or been prone to snoop.

But I think that my issues, which are posted on another thread are getting us off topic, for the OP of this thread.

[talaniman]

Why did she say she wanted a divorce? You weren't just curious when she said it, you were scared sh1tless. Please don't say this was unexpected and out of the blue either.

Got kids?

[simpleman75]

Why did she say she wanted a divorce? You weren't just curious when she said it, you were scared sh1tless. Please don't say this was unexpected and out of the blue either.

Got kids?

Yes, it was out of the blue, on my part. We have three kids. She traveled a lot for work and I was left to handle the kids, so felt like a single parent. When she came home I had gone into drone mode.

When she first told me, I was okay with it, because in my head I figured she just needed space.

[talaniman]

That's when she wanted a divorce, and then you started snooping?

[simpleman75]

That's when she wanted a divorce, and then you started snooping?

Yes. She said she felt like we had grown apart. She described other things that sounded like a mid-life crisis. Her being gone so much did not help either. I guess curiosity got the better of me. Since most times there are tell-tale signs if there is infidelity (being out late, late night phone calls, etc.) I did not get to witness those since she was out of town. We still talked on the phone and texted on a regular basis, but not as often as we should/could have.

[talaniman]

So instead of a hot bath with candles, a meal,and a foot rub you greeted your wife with a drone attack? Nothing says I miss you like attacking when she walks through the door. So she wanted a divorce and left for a few days.

Is this accurate?

[simpleman75]

So instead of a hot bath with candles, a meal,and a foot rub you greeted your wife with a drone attack? Nothing says I miss you like attacking when she walks through the door. So she wanted a divorce and left for a few days.

Is this accurate?

No, not drone (attack) mode... auto pilot, lights are on but no one's home... zombie mode. She was out having a good time after work because she had no responsibilities other than work, I was a single dad of three (I feel like I should be the one getting a foot massage). So when she came home I guess I was beat and non-attentive to her.

When she came back the last time, it was a week before our 19th anniversary and she told me she wanted a divorce. She moved out that next week. She had a job interview a few weeks later in another state. Then another week after that she moved back in. During that time she was over a good bit, helping with the kids and such. And would spend the night from time to time.

[talaniman]

Gotcha, but you have had your blow up over it, so start again, and leave the dumb stuff in the past. Do you work?

[DoulaLC]

Maybe she thought that she had a taste of the grass being greener but came to realize it wasn't the case. The grass may seem greener, until you realize that you still have to mow it.
I can understand the snooping when you feel that all of a sudden you get hit with a request for divorce when all seemed okay to you. You want to know what is going on. It may not have been bells and whistles, but all marriages go through that from time to time. It is easy to get into a stale routine, and that, along with having more opportunity for some excitement outside of home, may have led her to think things were at an end.

Could more have been going on?. sure, but that's where trust comes into play. It's been damaged, and she needs to understand that as well, so now the two of you work on rebuilding the relationship, including trust, honesty, and open communication. You have the opportunity to start anew... clean slate so to speak. Oh, you'll wonder from time to time for awhile still, but focus on the direction that you want to go. What may or may not have happened before now becomes a mute point. It serves no purpose other than to hopefully make you both realize the importance of honest communication... sharing what your concerns are... what your needs are from each other, and working towards a common goal... the salvation of your family.

I'd strongly encourage counseling again for you both, but I understand that often one partner or the other may not want to participate or feel that it is necessary... so, as was said, consider going on your own if need be.

[simpleman75]

Gotcha, but you have had your blow up over it, so start again, and leave the dumb stuff in the past. Do you work?

Yes, I work, full-time and have a self employed side job. I am working on it, one of the reasons I came here... some self therapy of sorts.

Maybe she thought that she had a taste of the grass being greener but came to realize it wasn't the case. The grass may seem greener, until you realize that you still have to mow it.
I can understand the snooping when you feel that all of a sudden you get hit with a request for divorce when all seemed okay to you. You want to know what is going on. It may not have been bells and whistles, but all marriages go through that from time to time. It is easy to get into a stale routine, and that, along with having more opportunity for some excitement outside of home, may have led her to think things were at an end.

Could more have been going on?. sure, but that's where trust comes into play. It's been damaged, and she needs to understand that as well, so now the two of you work on rebuilding the relationship, including trust, honesty, and open communication. You have the opportunity to start anew... clean slate so to speak. Oh, you'll wonder from time to time for awhile still, but focus on the direction that you want to go. What may or may not have happened before now becomes a mute point. It serves no purpose other than to hopefully make you both realize the importance of honest communication... sharing what your concerns are... what your needs are from each other, and working towards a common goal... the salvation of your family.

I'd strongly encourage counseling again for you both, but I understand that often one partner or the other may not want to participate or feel that it is necessary... so, as was said, consider going on your own if need be.

Thank you so much DoulaLC. Those are very encouraging words. Outside of our marriage there are so many issues of stress. We have an older son with social anxiety and depression issues. Another teen age son that is having issues with the law and almost got a girl pregnant, and financial issue as well. I think I/we can make it through this. Being on this forum is helping greatly.