[talaniman]

Must be a terrible burden to carry, knowing the real you is unacceptable to family, and the one you hoped would bear your children. I see a lot of emotion, pain, hurt, and shock, but you have no choice but to act. It's unavoidable.

[Confused2014]

Yeah it is going to be really hard. Both for him and myself, depending on what his answer is anyway. I think I'm secretly hoping he says he's bisexual. I've messaged him this morning when I got to work that I needed to speak to him when I get home later today and I gave him an idea of what it's regarding. Because I asked him a while back if he'd experimented with men before and he said he hadn't. Well the picture says differently. So I've asked him to think about the answer he previously gave me and whether he wanted to change that answer or not. I think that is a good start if he will actually tell the truth.


I could go home and he'll get all defensive, or I could go home and he'll say 'I've thought about things and now want to tell you the truth'


We shall see...

[Cat1864]

Unless I missed something, the picture was of a man posing alone. Your boyfriend wasn't a subject in it and it didn't have a caption that said anything about getting together?

One thing I want to add is that you need to define 'experimenting' and ask him what his definition is.

While you might consider sharing pictures or discussing sexuality (not hooking up or 'sexting') to be experimenting, he may not. To him it may mean actually being in physical contact with another person. Be careful that you do not accuse him of lying when it could be a simple miscommunication.

[Oliver2011]

She did ask me when we were still married and I told her the truth. We did end up getting divorced but remained friends for the sake of our boys. At Christmas she met my partner and likes him a ton.

I am not sure what being black or white has to do with this, but I do understand what he must feel coming from a family that won't accept it. He understands the way he feels but can't express himself because he doesn't want to get shunned or worse from family. That is a very difficult place to be and I feel for him.

You said in a later post that you hope he tells you he's bisexual. What is the point? Again if he says he is straight you are not going to accept that, and for good reasons too.

Ah thank you Oliver for that. I know you don't want to put your life out there but speaking from experience, if your wife had asked you when you were still in a relationship, would you have told her the truth?

He's from a family that would never accept such thing either. When we've spoke about being gay, he's mentioned his parents will never accept such a thing. I would rather him tell me now and I support him though than end up in the situation you have ended up. But again I'm thinking it'll be so difficult to admit it that lying would be an easier much better option in his eyes.

Your wife might be understanding but I don't think I will be since there's a huge difference in culture for us. I'm black and he's white. If this happened to me in the future, I'd love to be like your wife and be understanding but the amount of people that would make this their business and insult me based on the cultural views that I don't necessarily agree with, the humiliation will just be unbearable. This is why I'm trying to act now.

[talaniman]

Be honest with yourself, no matter his answer you are going to end it anyway. So be compassionate and skip the drama because you want the whole truth, and if you don't get what you think is the whole truth, you will be pissed and gone. Same ending right?

Ending it stops your snooping which I have no doubt will continue because you have always been suspicious, and always will be.

[Confused2014]

Unless I missed something, the picture was of a man posing alone. Your boyfriend wasn't a subject in it and it didn't have a caption that said anything about getting together?

One thing I want to add is that you need to define 'experimenting' and ask him what his definition is.

While you might consider sharing pictures or discussing sexuality (not hooking up or 'sexting') to be experimenting, he may not. To him it may mean actually being in physical contact with another person. Be careful that you do not accuse him of lying when it could be a simple miscommunication.

Yes Cat you're exactly right, there was a naked pic of a guy who by the way looks sooo much like one of his mates he's always going to play football with, whom I've never met. I just know they are Facebook friends, we all live in the same area and he's the guy he goes playing football with some nights after work.

Another picture was a pic of a guy with no face, just his lower part with an erect penis.

Now both pictures had been sent to his phone, and transferred to his laptop. Think he wanted to keep them safe somewhere as the photos are no longer on his phone.

I haven't nor am I accusing him of anything, I am simply 'asking'. I'll explain shortly what has gone on since last time I posted on here.

[Confused2014]

She did ask me when we were still married and I told her the truth. We did end up getting divorced but remained friends for the sake of our boys. At Christmas she met my partner and likes him a ton.

I am not sure what being black or white has to do with this, but I do understand what he must feel coming from a family that won't accept it. He understands the way he feels but can't express himself because he doesn't want to get shunned or worse from family. That is a very difficult place to be and I feel for him.

You said in a later post that you hope he tells you he's bisexual. What is the point? Again if he says he is straight you are not going to accept that, and for good reasons too.

Did she not notice while you were still dating that you might be gay though? I have a lot of respect for you for at least telling her the truth while you're still married. I think some men convince themselves that they can go the rest of their lives hiding their true feelings and getting married. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way.


Being black/ white has a huge thing to do with it. Not sure if you'd noticed but being gay is a lot more acceptable in the white society than it is in the black society, even though loads of black people are gay and struggling with actually admitting it. Most of us blacks can be so backwards, ignorant and not very accepting. Please note I'm not speaking for all black people here. So if I got married to him and he came out gay, I can imagine loads of my family going 'we knew it, you should have married a black man, only them white people can be gay'. Even though there are probably loads of black people out there that are gay. And basically it will be like bringing shame upon the family and yes they will all make it their business. I don't agree with the way they think, I have some gay friends, and I've always said I've never met more fun people in my life. But it is what it is with my family...

Him being bisexual is better than him being completely gay isn't it? Because then at least I know he fancies women as well as men. Being completely gay will mean I've been lied to for the last 4 years. Now IF he is bisexual, depending on the outcome of the picture thing, whether he's cheating or not will determine the fate of this relationship.

[Confused2014]

Now to update you all on what's going on. Like I said, on my way to work yesterday, I told him I didn't want to pick a fight, just wanted to talk to him about things and sit down like two adults and talk. I'd already asked him in the past if he'd had anything to do with men, he said he thought about it but never actually did anything. But I asked in my text yesterday whether he wants to consider answering the question again as my recent findings has suggest that he's had something to do with men in the past.

Anyway I got home last night expecting him to be angry and telling me off and asking me what the hell I meant by my text. Instead, soon as he saw me parking up, he went to the door and opened the door for me even though he knew I had my keys, never seen him to be more affectionate in my life, especially after the text I'd sent him. It was almost like he was apologetic! Came and cuddled up to me and told me I love YOU! Like he's saying its YOU I love despite everything. I ended up not having the conversation with him last night because I was so confused by his behaviour and he never brought it up either.

Now, we're both off work today so I'm hoping to get it all out there today and get it sorted (maybe). I'll see what happens.

[Oliver2011]

Wow. You said a lot below.

"Did she not notice while you were still dating that you might be gay though?" No. My gayness was repressed for many different reasons. I eventually put myself on a path of self discovery which led to me eventually telling her many years later.


"Came and cuddled up to me and told me I love YOU! Like he's saying its YOU I love despite everything."

You do realize I am sure that married gay people who don't want their secret out will do things to protect their secret. I say that because I did that. I don't see last night's episode as something that helps you. Your doubts are still there and until he is honest with it, your doubts will always be there. This is equivalent to him saying "No I am straight" to the question you were going to ask. Men are complicated beings. I know that because I am with one.

Did she not notice while you were still dating that you might be gay though? I have a lot of respect for you for at least telling her the truth while you're still married. I think some men convince themselves that they can go the rest of their lives hiding their true feelings and getting married. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way.


Being black/ white has a huge thing to do with it. Not sure if you'd noticed but being gay is a lot more acceptable in the white society than it is in the black society, even though loads of black people are gay and struggling with actually admitting it. Most of us blacks can be so backwards, ignorant and not very accepting. Please note I'm not speaking for all black people here. So if I got married to him and he came out gay, I can imagine loads of my family going 'we knew it, you should have married a black man, only them white people can be gay'. Even though there are probably loads of black people out there that are gay. And basically it will be like bringing shame upon the family and yes they will all make it their business. I don't agree with the way they think, I have some gay friends, and I've always said I've never met more fun people in my life. But it is what it is with my family...

Him being bisexual is better than him being completely gay isn't it? Because then at least I know he fancies women as well as men. Being completely gay will mean I've been lied to for the last 4 years. Now IF he is bisexual, depending on the outcome of the picture thing, whether he's cheating or not will determine the fate of this relationship.

[Confused2014]

Oh believe me, I'm not buying anything that he did last night. If anything, it's only confirmed my suspicions even more. He knows damn well I'm not buying it too, because we've not really said much to each other today. And he's now trying to avoid me around the house. Slow and steady wins the race. I will find out the truth.

And you've been a great help, thank you very much :)))

Wow. You said a lot below.

"Did she not notice while you were still dating that you might be gay though?" No. My gayness was repressed for many different reasons. I eventually put myself on a path of self discovery which led to me eventually telling her many years later.


"Came and cuddled up to me and told me I love YOU! Like he's saying its YOU I love despite everything."

You do realize I am sure that married gay people who don't want their secret out will do things to protect their secret. I say that because I did that. I don't see last night's episode as something that helps you. Your doubts are still there and until he is honest with it, your doubts will always be there. This is equivalent to him saying "No I am straight" to the question you were going to ask. Men are complicated beings. I know that because I am with one.

[Oliver2011]

Anytime. I feel for you and your man because I know what you both are going through and how this ends. I've seen this movie before.

"Oh believe me, I'm not buying anything that he did last night." I figured as much. He's at the end of his rope.

You know I will say that there is such a sense of relief when the words finally come out of your mouth and you allow people to know the real you. It is life changing, which would be good for him.

Oh believe me, I'm not buying anything that he did last night. If anything, it's only confirmed my suspicions even more. He knows damn well I'm not buying it too, because we've not really said much to each other today. And he's now trying to avoid me around the house. Slow and steady wins the race. I will find out the truth.

And you've been a great help, thank you very much :)))

[talaniman]

You made a big deal of this talk, and didn't have it. You whiffed. Slow and steady delays the inevitable and your confirmed suspicions are still just suspicions. Not to be harsh, but how long will you drag these suspicions out before you get the FACTS?