[Confused2014]

Ok this is going to seem like a bit of a weird thread but I am in need of some serious advice. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and been living together about 2 months. I've always suspected something not quite right about his sexuality but I am growing even more suspicious now that we live together.

Go back 2 and half years into the relationship I found a text on his phone from a guy asking if he wanted sucking. I rang the guy up and both him and my boyfriend denied knowing each other. We split up at the time because of this but got back together later.

Other signs I've seen is I think he's a bit girly in the things he does. But most of the things he does I've put down to growing up with 3 sisters and being the only boy.

Now fast forward to now that we live together, I've seen a couple of things. For example, he watches gay and she male porn on his phone. I'm not really bothered that he watches porn but it bothers me that he watches that kind, he enjoys it if we both use my dildo in the bedroom, I have also recently found a naked picture of a guy on his laptop. One of the upper part and one of the lower part with an erect penis. Sorry if too much info. Now this all is REALLY bugging me.

I have no problems with gay people or if he's gay but I have a huge problem with him trying to use me as his cover up girlfriend if this is the case. He has a password protected phone (but he doesn't know I know his password). How do I ask him? Especially the pictures of the naked guy on his laptop. I don't want him to see me as a snoop (to be fair that's what I am) but at the same time I don't want to be used any longer if that's the case. How do I go about this? Thank you.

[smoothy]

Keep in mind if he's not gay or even bisexual... this might backfire on you. And even if he is its probibly going to as well.

Not just calling him out... but the fact you are snooping both.

People are entitled to their privacy....PARTICULARLY when you are still single.....and getting married doesn't mean one gives up their right to personal space either. Just that a wife actually has a lot more of a right to stick her nose into things than a girlfriend does.

Why don't you just break up with him... its clear your really don't have a healthy relationship now if you have all this negativity.

He could be Uber Straightman... but you've dug a pretty deep hole to get out of here. Much less fill in before ethe relationship could even move forward.

Incidentally... what two concenting adults do together is their own business... and really not indications of someone's tendencies either way.

Personally... if I was him and found this out... the relationship would be considered over at that moment. In fact I have booted girfrinds out the door for snooping around , My wife doesn't even do it. And yes I'd know if she did. I have more respect for her because she doesn't, and doesn't feel the need to. Not that I've done anything to hide. Its the principle of it.

Its the are you with me or against me thing......anyone snooping around isn't "with" the person they are snooping on. They are stabbing them in the back each and every time. Doesn't matter if its the man or the woman..it applies equally. If you don't trust the person you are with...do them a favor and break it off from them rather than stringing them along.

[Confused2014]

Yes I understand your point about snooping but I don't understand your other points. If you're a bloke, are you trying to tell me you watch gay porn and have stark naked pictures of men on your phone? Because that's in no way 'uber straight' to me! And I have asked him in the past and he said he's thought about being with men in the past so yeah you can see why I'm suspicious having found those pictures. I'm not too bothered he's going to think I'm snooping because essentially that's what I've done. I'm bothered about being lied to.

[smoothy]

You are missing the other points I was making. I'm a bloke... I've never had a gay tendency... but I've watched gay or bi-porn with girlfriends and my wife... Some women like that sort of thing. I'm secure enough in my manhood I'm not offended by any of it is the point I'm getting at.

Besides THINKING about it is not the same as actually doing it... or even if one did make that leap... that they would even like it. I'd guess there were some that thought about it... tried it and probibly had nightmares about it afterwards for a long while. Others probibly probibly thought , well this isn't for me... and some might have found they enjoyed it.


You can't make the assumption that just because he thought about it before... means he's gay or even bi. There are a lot of women who have thought about being with another woman... some of them even acted on it in high school or college and decided that it wasn't for them and lived the rest of their lives without doing it ever again. If you see the point I was getting at.

And the pictures? Well, speaking as someone whoes been around since the early days of the internet porn thing.

Most pictures are downloaded as archives.. with groups of pictures from 2 to 2 million. Sometimes there will be guys alone in them, even with photoshoots of a guy with a girl.. or groups of people together... there will be single shots of the girl and single shots of the guy. Sometimes mixed in there are pictures you REALLY do not want on your computer.....and have to delete., and makes sure they really are gone once and for all.

THen you have things like internet cache your browswer does without interaction... storing copies of information from sites visited to speed reload times... some of that info are photos displayed on the site.

Also point I'm making... he doesn't even need to be aware it's there... browswers are configured to do that by default.

Lots of explanations... all legitimate... some have him knowing about them, others not knowing about them and they are all correct.

[joypulv]

Unless you plan to have children together or get married or both, this belongs mostly in the MYOB category. Additionally, many of us come in shades or gay or straight, and plenty of straight people are fascinated by the thought of either experimenting or wondering if they might have a bit of gay or bi in them. It's often on a spectrum, a range, not an 'either or' thing. He has been honest with you about thinking about it! Instead of such concrete thinking on your part ('if he's gay I'm being used') gradually talk with each other over a long time (at least several weeks if not months) about your deepest fantasies, not a demand to know them, but hopefully a sharing. I think it's also OK to say that after 4 years, you have a right to know what his inclination might be to have sex outside of your relationship, so that you don't have to insist on STD tests every so often. It's even OK to say that you worry about being used, because that's true - you do worry about it. After 4 years, a couple should be able to talk about anything. I just think you went about it all wrong when you confronted both him and the guy on the phone message. If you care about the relationship, be understanding and patient. If you end up breaking up, so be it, but there's no reason to bring on a break up with demands for concrete and simple answers.

As for the snooping? It NEVER is worth the consequences. If you can't force yourself to stop, tell him you know his password and to change it, and apologize for what you did.

[Cat1864]

First things first, stop snooping. You are only upsetting yourself and jumping to conclusions.

Is he loving and affectionate? Does he seem to enjoy being with you? Is your sex life satisfying with leeway for the normal ups and downs that can happen in the best of relationships?

Not all men fit the overly manly macho image some women have of males. Some men have effeminate actions and behaviors. Some men show their emotions more than others. Some men like small dogs and pink shirts. It doesn't mean they are homosexual.

Basically you are looking for clues and putting your own meaning to them. Wrong numbers happen. People often look at porn that isn't what they actually want in real life. Sometimes it is curiosity. Sometimes it is a rush from viewing a 'taboo' subject. Sometimes they are drawn to it, but it is a fantasy because they are happy and content with what they have.

If you have had a good relationship for most of the past four years, then he probably isn't homosexual. He could be bi-sexual, but that doesn't change anything. He is with you.

It doesn't sound like you found anything saying he was trying to hook up with other people (male or female or in between) which would be cheating and wouldn't matter what his sexuality is. Someone attempting to cheat is someone to walk away from.

Frankly, labels do not work well for human beings. Each person is an individual with their own quirks. If you love him and he hasn't given you any reason to think he is attempting to stray, why not enjoy him for who he is, not who you think he should be?

[dontknownuthin]

I disagree with the other posters. I think if you have been dating someone for four years and your gut tells you he is gay, plus gay porn, he's probably gay or at least bisexual. I hear a lot of people talk about this continuum of sexuality and shades of gray in sexuality but talking to my gay friends, they felt the "shades if gray
" are really "stages of denial and coming out". My straight friends, male and female alike, have discussed this concept at length. We are all in agreement that while we don't find other people's gay relationships bother us at all, the idea of being in a same sex sexual situation ourselves is really repugnant. My gay friends are really turned off by the idea of heterosexual sex. So I'm not sure how common this gray area is as a life-long orientation.

After four years, I would be looking for marriage or moving on. If I saw my partner on this continuum, I'd not take the chance and would move on as I would not gamble a lifetime that he is not going to act on these gay fantasies. Personally, I am not sexually attracted to feminine men, either.

[Confused2014]

Unless you plan to have children together or get married or both, this belongs mostly in the MYOB category. Additionally, many of us come in shades or gay or straight, and plenty of straight people are fascinated by the thought of either experimenting or wondering if they might have a bit of gay or bi in them. It's often on a spectrum, a range, not an 'either or' thing. He has been honest with you about thinking about it! Instead of such concrete thinking on your part ('if he's gay I'm being used') gradually talk with each other over a long time (at least several weeks if not months) about your deepest fantasies, not a demand to know them, but hopefully a sharing. I think it's also OK to say that after 4 years, you have a right to know what his inclination might be to have sex outside of your relationship, so that you don't have to insist on STD tests every so often. It's even OK to say that you worry about being used, because that's true - you do worry about it. After 4 years, a couple should be able to talk about anything. I just think you went about it all wrong when you confronted both him and the guy on the phone message. If you care about the relationship, be understanding and patient. If you end up breaking up, so be it, but there's no reason to bring on a break up with demands for concrete and simple answers.

As for the snooping? It NEVER is worth the consequences. If you can't force yourself to stop, tell him you know his password and to change it, and apologize for what you did.

I get what you mean and he has told me stuff that I completely agree with and have said there is no problem especially when he told me about wanting to be with men before.

Now I don't care if he watches porn and yes I do find it a bit odd he watches that kind of porn but I can imagine no one is 100% straight, there will be some curiosity maybe experiment there BUT they'll pictures I found weren't downloaded ones AT ALL. There were images sent to him by a guy that he's transferred from his phone unto his laptop. He's very secretive with his phone and wants to know everything about mine.

My question is who is the guy in the picture and how come he sent him a naked picture of himself at 1am in the morning. THAT is what is bugging me! Is he finally acting on what he's always wanted to do? Like the person above rightly said, 4 years is a long time and I'd rather not have kids with him then find out the truth. This is why I'm haute if to ask him or not. I am 100% certain it is not a downloaded picture. It's a picture amongst all his other pictures that he's been sent. Question is.. Who is it and what is going with them two.

[Oliver2011]

Your man is probably confused about his sexuality. Speaking from experience it isn't something boys deal with when they are young. It becomes more difficult to deal with as you become older and understand yourself better. He's doing a small amount of experimenting which isn't a bad thing for himself. May not be great for yall's relationship but understanding himself better is a good thing for him. He's not going to come out and tell you about it. These suspicions you have are not going away either. So I would guess the question would be what do you do now?

Remember when you ask someone a question you need to be prepared for any answer you may get.

[joypulv]

You still want concrete answers. So my idea of feeling out his deeper self gently over time doesn't work in your book. Now it boils down to losing him. Are you prepared for that (as Oliver just asked by saying 'you need to be prepared for any answer?')

You can lose him by demanding answers and he confesses and you leave. You can lose him by demanding answers and he balks and gets angry and he leaves. Just be ready with a place to go and the ability to cover expenses all by yourself, and the shock of being alone. Your choice.

[Cat1864]

Now I don't care if he watches porn and yes I do find it a bit odd he watches that kind of porn but I can imagine no one is 100% straight, there will be some curiosity maybe experiment there BUT they'll pictures I found weren't downloaded ones AT ALL. There were images sent to him by a guy that he's transferred from his phone unto his laptop. He's very secretive with his phone and wants to know everything about mine.

My question is who is the guy in the picture and how come he sent him a naked picture of himself at 1am in the morning. THAT is what is bugging me! Is he finally acting on what he's always wanted to do? Like the person above rightly said, 4 years is a long time and I'd rather not have kids with him then find out the truth. This is why I'm haute if to ask him or not. I am 100% certain it is not a downloaded picture. It's a picture amongst all his other pictures that he's been sent. Question is.. Who is it and what is going with them two.

This is a different matter. If he is contacting other people, then it crosses a line of good behavior. If it was a picture of a woman sent to him by a woman, what would you do?

[Confused2014]

Thank you all. Yes I definitely want answers, I just don't know how to approach things. I have no problem living or being on my own. I always lived alone the whole time we were together before moving in together 2 months ago, so financially I will be OK on my own. I will be emotionally hurt but I guess I'd rather know the truth now than wait, have kids then he decides to come out gay. I think that will be more humiliating than finding out now. I'm only 25 and he's 28 so there are still chances of me finding someone else, rather than being 30 with a baggage and finding out.

I know something dodgy is going on. I know a lot of men watch gay porn, even my male mates says they do and doesn't really mean much. I tried to ask him in a nice way about his past and what he's done, but he doesn't always give me the full story.

Now I know for a fact, he's either in the process of experimenting or have done.

And in terms of being affectionate, he was never really the one to show affection and he's not greatly romantic either. It was our anniversary last month and he didn't do anything nor plan anything for us. It's always been that way. I remember sitting home and eating Chinese on valentines day too.

Also another thing I forgot to mention was one of his mate (who is gay) messaging him asking him to come over and talking about how he kissed him on the night they went out and how he can make him so hard etc. I don't want to go into too much details. But I overlooked that too. What if all these are blatant signs that I should pick up NOW that I'm ignoring? I know I will massively regret it in the future if it turns out true if I don't act on it now.

I want to ask him, talk to him about things, especially the guys photo on his laptop. I just don't know where to begin. Because I feel if I ask now and we work things out, he's going to be even more secretive than he is now.

This is a different matter. If he is contacting other people, then it crosses a line of good behavior. If it was a picture of a woman sent to him by a woman, what would you do?

Lol cat I will probably kill him so I shouldn't really be treating this any differently... I just don't know how to go about it.

[Oliver2011]

Am I missing something here? You have enough signs that he is at the very least bisexual. You almost have this unhealthy need for him to admit it to you. If you asked him and he said no he was straight, would you believe him? No you wouldn't. You would continue to snoop.

Regardless, you deserve better. You are not his priority in the relationship. I agree with Cat - if he is cheating then it doesn't matter who he is cheating with. You should set him free and allow him to chase whatever he wants to chase. And you should find someone new who makes you a priority.

[talaniman]

Remove yourself from this situation if you cannot express your concerns and fears in an honest way. That in itself is unhealthy and when you add the fear of being lied to and the mental drama, its just not healthy for either of you. LOL, you are so scared you snoop, and he is suspiciously secretive.

You both have had 3 years to be honest and it hasn't happened. Will it start anytime soon? Not unless you have the courage to be honest. Do this for yourself, NOT for him. Then at least you can make a decision about YOUR future based on FACTS, and not just feelings and FEARS.

[smearcase]

As said- if you ask him and he says No- you aren't likely to ever believe it. Asking him is useless and will accomplish nothing.
Snooping may not be a sign of trust but doing it to help decide about your future is an intelligent thing to do in my opinion.
Governments do it extensively with no boundaries whatsoever, to discover threats to the future of the country. Why can't individuals?

Nobody is judging anybody. His habits simply don't fit your plans for the rest of your life. Instead of more investigation, use your time to make your plan for ending the relationship.
Just tell him that after x years, the relationship doesn't satisfy you and you are moving on. I know it is not going to be simple but important decisions rarely are.

[Jake2008]

I don't think that it is unhealthy or unwise to know the sexuality of your long time partner.

For something this serious, the information you have found, has been hidden. What he is into, he is not sharing with you, he is sharing with others. Does it really matter if it's male or female?

I would stop the guessing, and get answers. He may say he is bi, and you will at least have a choice to make whether you can accept that.

He may say he is gay, and you will have again, a choice to make.

He may say that what you saw on his phone, and his computer, were put there by people you don't know, in order to blackmail him into becoming a spy for Russia. Some might even buy that.

He may be into experimenting, again, you have a choice.

He may be into keeping both ends against the middle, the middle being you.

Whoever this man is, you do not know, and you deserve to know before you waste any more of your life guessing, and perhaps sticking with a man who has secrets- no matter what they are.

Give him time to warm up to the idea that you need to have a serious talk. Set a date and time, and make sure there are no interruptions. Tell him what your concerns are, and be forthcoming with the snooping that you did. Get all the cards out on the table- make a list if you have to make sure you get it all out, and get it heard. Simple terms to agree to, that both of you should agree on before the talk.

[Oliver2011]

"His habits simply don't fit your plans for the rest of your life."

Very nicely said.

[Confused2014]

Thanks everyone for your insight on this dreadful matter ha.

I have decided to have a chat with him. To be honest with you all, I might be a bit relieved if he at least said he was bisexual and as Jake rightly pointed out, it would then be my choice to stay or go although I would have preferred it if he'd told me he was bisexual from the beginning. Either way, I'd like to know but I don't want to ask in a way that would make him all defensive because that way, I would never get the truth out of him.


I want to ask in a way where I come across as 'understanding' and not accusing him, although what I am technically doing in accusing him, but I want to do it in a nice way if that makes sense. He's got two nieces so he's got to a point where he really wants a child. I'm more of a career person myself, but was contemplating kind of settling down. Now I don't want to make that decision of having a kid with him, then finding out he's gay.

I still genuinely don't know where I'll start or how I'm going to ask but one thing I know is, I WILL ask. I'll just tell him all the evidence and ask what he'd think if roles were reversed. Surely he'll be able to see why I'm concerned?

[Oliver2011]

Well I could tell you what my wife said to me... I lived this very situation. But I don't really want to put it all out there. She was very understanding and incredible. We are still very close friends today and have two grown incredible kids.

Be understanding, be accepting, don't be judgmental, and it should go well. Speaking as a gay person, this is probably something he has struggled with for years. It's not an easy thing for boys/men to accept, especially if he comes from a family where he won't be accepting. But I can honestly say we didn't decide to be gay, we were born this way.

I wish you luck - and it doesn't have to be a negative thing for you, for him, or for you both.

Thanks everyone for your insight on this dreadful matter ha.

I have decided to have a chat with him. To be honest with you all, I might be a bit relieved if he at least said he was bisexual and as Jake rightly pointed out, it would then be my choice to stay or go although I would have preferred it if he'd told me he was bisexual from the beginning. Either way, I'd like to know but I don't want to ask in a way that would make him all defensive because that way, I would never get the truth out of him.


I want to ask in a way where I come across as 'understanding' and not accusing him, although what I am technically doing in accusing him, but I want to do it in a nice way if that makes sense. He's got two nieces so he's got to a point where he really wants a child. I'm more of a career person myself, but was contemplating kind of settling down. Now I don't want to make that decision of having a kid with him, then finding out he's gay.

I still genuinely don't know where I'll start or how I'm going to ask but one thing I know is, I WILL ask. I'll just tell him all the evidence and ask what he'd think if roles were reversed. Surely he'll be able to see why I'm concerned?

[Confused2014]

Ah thank you Oliver for that. I know you don't want to put your life out there but speaking from experience, if your wife had asked you when you were still in a relationship, would you have told her the truth?

He's from a family that would never accept such thing either. When we've spoke about being gay, he's mentioned his parents will never accept such a thing. I would rather him tell me now and I support him though than end up in the situation you have ended up. But again I'm thinking it'll be so difficult to admit it that lying would be an easier much better option in his eyes.

Your wife might be understanding but I don't think I will be since there's a huge difference in culture for us. I'm black and he's white. If this happened to me in the future, I'd love to be like your wife and be understanding but the amount of people that would make this their business and insult me based on the cultural views that I don't necessarily agree with, the humiliation will just be unbearable. This is why I'm trying to act now.