[classyT]

What does it mean to forgive someone? I thought I knew but I am really confused about it. There is a person in my life that I don't care for. I feel she is manipulative, unkind, emotionally a child and just in general someone I want to avoid at all costs. ( see? I don't sound so forgiving just describing her) She has insulted me and my children. She has caused so much drama and issues when there should be none. I say I forgive her. Have I? How can I know? I try not to dwell on past behavior, I purposely don't focus on it. When she comes to my home, I am pleasant and kind. I make small talk. I will not hug her and according to my boys my body language screams don't come to close. But it is because I don't want to have to deal with her and I don't trust her in any way shape or form. I want to be true to myself. How can I forgive her and still be true to myself? This woman will find any reason to put me down in front of my children when I am not there and then talk to me as if it never happened. I don't want to dislike her but I do! I want nothing to do with her. All I want is to forgive her and be done with it and I think I could except she is in my life and she continues to behave badly every time I am around her. So my question is do you think I have forgiven her and if I haven't how do I? I will be around her this weekend it is unavoidable because she is an in-law and there has been a death in the family. How can I be a Christian woman and just forgive her when she continues her awful behavior? I don't know how to balance this. What am I doing wrong? It isn't wrong not to like someone! I don't like her but I do want to be forgiving. I need help. Advice??

[Wondergirl]

I'm not so sure forgiving her is what you need to do. (If anything, you need to forgive yourself for resenting her.) It sounds like you also need to be able to deal with comments and insults and other barbs in a way that shows her you are not a doormat -- but be able to do this in a Christian way. You need to take back your power. You must start setting boundaries. Here are several ideas on how to do that (from Begin to Set Personal Boundaries) --

Life coach Cheryl Richardson says that creating stronger boundaries is the number one way for most women to improve their lives. Here she shows you how to stand up for yourself! Set personal boundaries and free yourself from the "disease to please" with these three steps!

Step 1: Self-Awareness
The first step in learning to set boundaries is self-awareness. Complete the following sentences.

Step 2: Setting Your Boundaries
Learn to set boundaries with others. Find support and using specific language.

Step 3: Strengthen Your Internal Boundaries
Too often, women neglect to stand up for themselves by avoiding confrontation. When someone offends you, stop and ask these three questions.

Guilt in Setting Boundaries
Learn how to overcome guilt. Get rid of the obstacles that could be blocking your way to setting boundaries in your life.

This is WG again. (Those links do not seem to work for me.) Do you want some responses handy to carry around in your back pocket or the back of your brain? Here's a site with some more ideas -- http://www.psychologytoday.com/artic...e-your-doormat

[classyT]

WG,

Interesting. I am glad I asked and you are right, I do need to know how to deal with her insults. I usually ignore them and say nothing. One of the reasons I do this is for my husband. I don't want him to feel like he is in the middle. Another reason I do it is because I am so full of resentment after putting up with her for 23 years and I am afraid I will lose it. I have a lot of crap built up in me and I really don't like her. She pulls her passive aggressive moves out on me and usually leaves me in shock ( although I can't for the life of me figure out why I am shocked at her nerve). I am usually in a rage, I actually shake and I walk away not wanting to make a scene. She pulls her garbage at the most inappropriate times. Which is why I am expecting her to pull something this weekend. It is the perfect time to do it. A funeral for heaven sakes. She knows I will walk away at a funeral. Anyway, once I had the pleasure of asking her to leave my home. I sometimes replay that in my mind. Lol I want to be a forgiving person and I could be if I never had to see her again, as it is, she is here until one of us crocks. Guess which one I am rootin for? See? That was wrong. Anyway, WG thanks for your advice I will check out the links. I could use all the help I can get.

[Wondergirl]

Is she your MIL? Or a SIL? It took me 25+ years and a grad degree in psych to learn how to deal with my MIL who was very much like that.

[classyT]

MIL!! No kidding, you had one too? Terrible. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

[Wondergirl]

They must have been clones--or gone to the same dysfunctional MIL school. I got my power back, and you can too--without putting your husband in the middle. And actually it isn't all that hard.

[dwashbur]

MIL!! No kidding, you had one too? Terrible. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Some people tell MIL jokes; I had one. The last thing she ever said to me on her deathbed was a parting shot about how bad I am at making money.

You have my sincerest empathy on this one, sis. I know exactly what you're going through and I know how much it hurts and how much turmoil it causes your family. And I really don't have any answers. Jesus makes it sound so easy when he says "seventy times seven" but, yeah, sure. It's as easy as picking your teeth with a monkey wrench.

Have you been able to talk with your husband about this?

[jakester]

Hey Tess - I haven't been on AMHD for awhile so I thought I'd pop in. I read your comments and thought I'd respond.

First, let me provide a good working definition of what forgiveness truly is: Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as revenge, with an increased ability to wish the offender well. Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), pardoning (granted by a representative of society, such as a judge), forgetting (removing awareness of the offence from consciousness), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship).

I want to focus on 3 parts that I find compelling as it relates to the definition above:

1. Letting go of revenge
2. Not excusing an offense (refusing to hold the offender as responsible for the action)
3. Reconciliation

Letting go of revenge is hard to do when the offender is still in the process of offending you. It's only natural that you would viscerally respond to her when she is in your presence because she isn't kind to you and she stirs up strife in your family. I wouldn't want to be around such a person and there isn't anything wrong with feeling that way…that's perfectly natural and appropriate.

Secondly, as a Christian, we are called to be salt and light in the world. I don't claim to fully understand what all that entails but at least it must entail speaking the truth to others out of love. When your MIL says something unkind, you are not obliged to stand there and take it. Sometimes people like this are put in our lives (I believe) to embolden us as people. We need to learn to stand up for ourselves and be truthful with people. The bible says that the righteous are bold as lions. I don't think that just because we are believers that we are as bold as lions but I think the idea is that a righteous person has derived confidence in God that can make us bold. We can be bold because we believe that God is for us and that his steadfast love for us brings all things to bear in life. What I mean is that I need not fear others when they are unkind. I need not fear others judgment of me if their judgment of me is not coming from a place of goodness. If I am living out my life before God in an honest manner and striving to do my best to live before him, I can have the confidence to stand up to evil and deal with it confidently because God has forgiven me.

Thirdly, when it comes down to it, forgiveness doesn't have to mean reconciliation. When you deal with your MIL, remember that she too is a sinner in need of forgiveness. I mean, her actions suggest that she may not know Christ. I don't know that, obviously, but Proverbs says this:

There are six things that the LORD hates, seven that are an abomination to him:
A false witness who breathes out lies, AND ONE WHO SOWS DISCORD AMONG BROTHERS.

I have come across people before in life that stir up strife in friendships and family and I have to believe that someone who can do this as a sport is not led by the Spirit of God. One of the fruits of the Spirit is peace and I believe it is necessary that to be a child of God, one should be about being peaceable with others.

So in summary, this is what I would do if I were you. The next time your MIL says something nasty to you or about your children (in your presence), stand your ground and tell her that she's out of line. You have to let her know that you are not somebody she can mess with. She may respect you for it in the end…or maybe not. But at least she'll know that she can't get away with it. There probably aren't too many people who do that to her so she's accustomed to saying whatever she wants because nobody calls her out. I think your husband will also have to have your back and not let her get away with it either. If he's a wishy-washy son, you'll be fighting an uphill battle all alone. But he shouldn't tolerate her bad behavior either. If you are both united, she won't gain any foothold in undermining your family with her words. After you have stood your ground, you'll feel better about the situation and then forgiveness can come because you've said your peace and then the issue clearly is with her. I suppose then you can pray for her and that might make you feel better towards her as well…not that you will enjoy her company but that you will just know that you are dealing with a sinner who needs mercy.

[classyT]

Jake,

Your post was awesome. I appreciated your answer and you backed up many things you said with the bible, I needed that. It is good to know that I am not deliberately refusing to forgive and move on. It is a continued problem and the truth is none of her children will be upfront with her concerning her behavior. In fact I asked my husband just this weekend to talk to his mother in love, only to be told to back off. As mad as she makes me, I do feel hurt because my husband does not have my back. I feel so much resentment for her and anger with him that sometimes I just want to scream. I'm becoming bitter. Usually I pour it all out to the Lord who totally understands my feelings. There isn't much worse than feeling betrayed by someone who has promised to love me. I know this is a difficult situation, but bad behavior is wrong even if it is your own mother. But that is another post, I suppose. Lol Anyway, she didn't act up for me this weekend but she did act bad for my niece and my sister-in-law who also married into this family. I also found out that I am not the only one in the family that has issues with her. Many people do, enough so that one of the women said she has asked her not to talk to her and to stay away from her. Somehow that validated my feelings and it sometimes just feels great to be validated.