[squwiffy]

My boyfriend went out for someone's stag night, and they went to a strip club. They got a group lesbian show in which they will all get a dance and see a lesbian show. I asked him not to go in, or at least don't pay to get a dance. I can't stand the though of my partner being aroused very intimately by another woman, and now I am very upset and disgusted with him.

There is another aspect to this. I used to be a stripper, I was in need of money and it was the easiest way to make it fast. I started doing it while me and my boyfriend were dating. We had not been together long and I stopped when it was putting too much of a strain on our relationship. I worked there for about three months. So now he is saying that after seeing what strippers do he is annoyed at me. I did try and explain that the club he went to is very cheap with little to no rules, the one I worked in was 'classier'. The owner was going for a burlesque strip tease thing, you weren't allowed to act like vultures around the men you actually spoke to them, and they had zero tolerance for the customers touching. And the lesbian shows were fake for health and safety reasons. I know for a fact that the club he went to the girls will let the customers touch and the lesbian shows are graphic and real. I personally feel he is turning it round on me so he doesn't look like he is in the wrong.

I also understand some of you may think I am a hypocrite for being a stripper and not wanting my bf to go in to a club. I actually completely disagree with strip clubs and the objectification of women in our society. I think its disgusting that so much money can be made in this industry. I am actually quite repulsed by the fact that my boyfriend doesn't see how ridiculous the whole thing is.

I just needed opinions-should I stand my ground? Because I did specifically ask he didn't do it or if he didn't want to let the groom down, then go in but don't pay another woman to take her clothes off and writhe about on you.

Or should I accept that because I done something stupid in the past, my boyfriend is entitled to disrespect and upset me?

[tickle]

I don't think he did it to disrespect you. It was a stag party was it not? Drop the subject now before it escalates into something worse.

[talaniman]

Can't you both just get over this one time event? He got over yours didn't he?

[squwiffy]

Thank you for replying.

I do wish I felt confident and secure enough to just 'let it go' but I don't, that's the reason I asked him not to, I knew I would find it almost impossible to get the thought of him being there out of my head. Also, he clearly hasn't let go of what I've done. Otherwise he wouldn't have brought it up and been angry at me. I would have been disappointed but would have gotten over it if he had just gone in but it's the fact he chose to get a dance has really upset me.

[talaniman]

Two people that cannot find the courage and strength to treat each other better may not survive long at all as a couple. Sound to me like you (both) are making excuses to cover your own flaws by making it the fault of the other.

Find the courage and strength to let it go and move to better things. Even if he cannot shake the images in his head of YOU shaking your butt in a classy men's club. What a snob, and he is a boob! You both can do better than wallow in immaturity.

[tickle]

It is a grudge fest which can doom any relationship; if you both can't get over what the other has done and you can't talk about it amicably with a mature mindset, it is time to both move on.

[smoothy]

You are a girlfriend... not his mom... you want a good way to turn a guy against you... start proclaiming he is forbidden to do something.

Sorry but even as the wife you aren't his superior... you are their partner... their equal... equals can't pull rank on the other. As a girlfriend you don't even get the right to do what a wife has the right to ask for.

Most women have a false idea of what happens in most strip clubs in the country... in the USA anyway... its not a meat market... its not a place one goes to pick up women... in fact in most of them... the quickest way to get thrown out the front door on your face by a big bouncer... is touch one of the strippers.

[Cat1864]

I am going to suggest that you stop and think for a minute about how you feel about your past employment and yourself. I get the impression that the issue is much deeper than 'he went to a strip club and got a dance'. I think part of it is how you view yourself and how you may be punishing yourself for a choice you made by allowing him to disrespect you.

Yes, it is disrespectful if he throws it in your face during a disagreement especially if it is to hurt you or to win the argument. I think part of this goes back to the strain on your relationship that you mentioned earlier. Was that because you were upset about the job and complaining to him or was he upset about your work? If he was upset about your stripping then he has no right to say anything about it after he goes to one. On the other hand, it is unfair to demand he be responsible for your self-confidence and respect. A bachelor party is very different than if he went on his own or spends a lot of time at one.

You need to sit down as partners and discuss boundaries including what should be off-limits during disagreements. You both need to let the past go. You need to accept the decision you made and let it go. Respect yourself and if he can't give you the respect you deserve, then think about letting him go and finding someone who will.

It is a bit hypocritical of you to put down the women who are doing nothing more than their jobs. As for how 'classy' an establishment is, that is in the eyes of the beholder. There will always be someone who rationalizes their place of employment as being better than the competition. It's the nature of humankind. Also, by putting them down you are in a way putting part of yourself down. As the phrase implies, self-respect begins inside you. Look at positive ways to build up your self-confidence and respect. It will help you learn how to be more confident in making compromises with your partner. You won't feel the need to 'be right' as much.

Good luck.