[xmchemicalrx]

I met her in high school. She was my first love, my first girlfriend, my first of many, as I was to her. We were both madly in love, despite the problems in our relationship.

My parents didn't accept her because she wasn't Muslim. As a result, she feared being in a family that might not love her. She always dreamed of having a second family that is loving and warm. Another problem we faced, was her lack of trust in me while I perpetuated some of it (i.e. viewing porn, omissions, lies, hiding things from her etc.. ) she is the type of person that doesn't trust easily nor does she find it easy to let people in.

She would cry and I became so numb that I couldn't feel very much empathy towards her. I loved almost everything about her, but I conditioned myself to selfishly protect myself at her expense. My fear of commitment made me fear that I was headed for a mid-life crisis. I wanted to slain my demons before marrying her. I take my vows incredibly seriously so I wanted an absolutely clean heart before proposing to her.

Finally, we were both young. We didn't know ourselves. We were in a bubble, with no friends but ourselves. I loved spending time with her and she was always enough, but I didn't know then the adverse impact it had on us (it didn't allow us to grow independently).

I couldn't let her exit my life though. When she tried to leave, I couldn't let her go. She tried to go, but I wouldn't allow her. She bravely allowed me to be her friend. She was my best friend. I never wanted that to come to an end.

She stayed in. She wallowed in despair. I don't blame her, of course. I hardly ever do for that matter... She spent a year and a half before finally deciding that she had enough. She started moving on...

I couldn't immediately tell that she was moving on. A new guy appeared in her life. The sex become less passionate, the light in her eyes were slowly dimming away.

I took her for granted after the break-up. I believed she was still in love with me, but the new signs scared me to death. It forced me to evaluate how I really felt about her. Every song, I thought of her. I lived in a fantasy world, while she was allowing someone else in.

I let go of my fears, and took the leap of faith. I cried like a new born baby when I realized I had taken her for granted and that I loved her the whole time... so I proposed. Her tears falling freely as she read my proposal letter, she said no.

I lost it. I completely lost it. I did EVERYTHING I wasn't supposed to do.

We talk everyday now. She is still talking to him. They are aren't bf/gf or were they ever. They are friends that sleep together and are attempting to figure out what they are. She stopped having sex with him and we stopped as well.

I don't know what to do anymore. I want to stay and be her best friend, show her who I really am but more importantly selflessly love her and be there for her but it is incredibly hard to do so. It's been 4 months since the proposal and I'm still having difficulty breathing, sleeping, and eating. I try and put on a brave face but it's easy to see through it. I have only gone out a couple of times. I've lost interest in women and in socializing. I've turned down dates and don't smile back at women. I keep my head down, I don't listen to any music unless its Christian music. It takes all my energy to fake my happiness. I know I have to be happy, but the sadness of the situation bears down heavily on me. I was so emotionally strong, but I've cried almost everyday since the proposal.

Talking to her brings peace but that peace doesn't last when reality hits. I have been able to push it to the far corner of my mind, but it inevitably comes back and fear takes over.

She doesn't know if she loves me. She says she is in love with me a little and that she could love me again, but she still hasn't forgiven me for the past and she is not ready to be in a relationship right now. I hurt her too much for her to forgive me right now.

She tells me that she wants me to date, but that she would be sad if I did. When she came over recently, she checked my computer. She gives me mixed messages like you wouldn't believe. It's utterly confusing. I know she cares deeply about me and I hoped she would fall in love again, but now I don't hope anymore because I don't want to be disappointed again, but then again I'll never stop hoping when I see and talk to her almost everyday.

I'm afraid of opening up again. To anyone for that matter. I haven't fully healed yet... not even close.

So what should I do? Should I go "no-contact" (we have never gone no contact in the 8 years we've known each other) or should I continue being there on the sidelines, loving her as her best friend? What is the best for us?

Update: She is "done" with the guy apparently...She realizes he isn't the right guy for her anymore.

[talaniman]

You need to leave her alone and get your head and life straight. You are a mess.

[smoothy]

I agree with talaniman... until you manage to get your own life in order... you aren't in any position to be having a relationship with anyone...