[Confushasay]

Hey you

Ok just the other day my parents and I had a massive argument about my partner, it turns out they really dislike him, but for petty reasons. He doesn't swear or yell at them (or me) he isn't rude to them he try's to talk to them but I can tell they don't want to try back or if they do it's short and simple which makes me uncomfortable let alone imagine what he is feeling.

So the point is my parents think that he uses me... and by uses me I mean he asks if I can help him look stuff up on the internet while he does the same or he'll ask if I can go pay the bills if I'm not working because he can't get out of work, or that he spends time working on his hobbies then being with me 24/7 I don't want to spend every minute with him nor does he with me we need our friendships and our hobbies too (parents don't understand that, they believe if he isn't by my side then that's not a man and he doesn't love me) and supposably the most annoying habit for them is he comes home dirty... well f.. k me but when you work hard up to 14-16 hour days in heat dust and dirt digging in mines I expect you to come home dirty not clean!

This had got me stumped I said to them I'd understand if you disliked him because he was rude to you or to me but these are petty issues that shouldn't even be brought up because there not serious... coming home dirty... COME ON!
Then the argument got worse... you can see my confusion here, how can somebody dislike someone so much because of reasons like that. To me they hated him from the start god knows for what reason still trying to work it out, but it's not just him my previous two partners also, no matter what guy it is they alwayssssss find things to pick on and I mean always fine example my ex partners pants they were a little to baggy for there liking and quote "made him look like a hoodlum".

I spoke to my sister about it and she was just as confused and doesn't understand what the issue is because she thinks my partner is fine and when I asked her if our parents said anything to her about my partner she said no, they never said a bad thing. Where in the past (previous partners) they've voiced there opinions to her, I think the most difficult part is my partner and I want to get engaged and married now but because he is a traditional guy he wants to ask my father for my hand in marriage..!
This will go down well...

So I guess what I'm trying to get at is... what to do? I can't stop coming to visit my parents and my family with my partner just because my parents dislike him, because that's just ridiculous and I don't want him feeling uncomfortable or blaming himself as it's not his fault. And it's not like I can't not invite my parents to our wedding. This has got to be the stupidest situation by far... parents behaving like children... so uh... help? Advice anything would be appreciative.

[smoothy]

People don't NEED a reason to dislike someone. Surely there have been people you just didn't like for whatever reason.

Sorry but they may be your parents... but they are entitled to dislike anyone for their own reasons... even your partner. That's just going to make it awkward... but you can't force them to like someone any more than you can be forced to like someone you don't.

Its not behaving like children... its acting like any other person. Nobody on the planet likes everyone.

If it means this much to you..go ahead and marry him....just don't have the unrealistic expectation they have to like him just because you do.

[Jake2008]

If what you say is true, your parents are the ones being rude and unreasonable toward your partner. If he were to make them feel uncomfortable simply by making it clear (even without saying it), that he disliked them, I think we'd be all over that saying how disrespectful he is.

I'm assuming that you are of legal age to make your own decisions in life, including the decision to have a serious commitment that holds marriage in its future. That alone may be what your parents are most concerned about- losing their daughter. They think they know best, and they probably think you can do better at finding a mate.

That being said, your partner should be prepared for a 'no' from your father, and I wonder if you really have any confidence it will be a 'yes'. It doesn't sound like it would be. He's damned if he does, your partner, and damned if he doesn't.

Because your parents have a track record of not liking any serious partners in your life, it may be simply time for you to live your own life, and accept that they are not the ones making the decision- only you are. I'm sure it hurts that they are so judgmental toward him, and it is probably worse that they have no reason that can be taken seriously. Even worse, is your feeling of wanting them to be accepting of your choice, and that may never happen.

Don't live your life for others, when the consequences could be you remaining unhappy for the next 10 years or more. It isn't likely they are going to accept any partner you have.

Go about your business of planning your wedding, and of course, invite your parents, and involve them if they show an interest. Maybe when it all begins to happen and a date is set, they will come around- grudgingly- but they may bend a little.

All the best of luck.

[Cat1864]

Is this the same partner you have asked other questions about including one in November about his sister? If not, how long have you been dating this gentleman?

[talaniman]

No one can control how parents feel about anything the children do, be it lifestyle, job or choice of partners. You can still give them respect while in their presence and even an invitation and role in your wedding, and do your own thing when you are not with them.

Arguing and making it a big a deal to YOU, as it is to them is futile. Maybe their decisions and action cause you concern, and hurt, but you still have your own decisions to make about YOUR happiness and future. As children we don't have to understand the feelings of our parents, but I think we do have to respect them as our parents.

So that's what you do, respectfully disagree, but live your life.