[WillowEmber]

I am 45 years old. My boyfriend of over two years is 50. I fell in love with him quickly. He is very intelligent and a fabulous speaker.

A year ago I found out by accident he was seeing a younger woman who worked for the same company, secretly. He said she was just someone he could talk to on an intellectual level and had experiences he wanted to know more about (she was in the war) and it was purly platonic. Little by little he told me things, the worst being 'I never come up in conversation'. How is that possible when we do so much together? He was sending her pictures that I took, yet never mentioned he had a girlfriend. For the first time only 4 months ago he told me he loved me after we were on the verge of not going on a vacation because I was not accepting of his relationship with this other woman.

This year he said he has not spoken to this other woman. Hard to believe as he continuously lied to me before saying he wasn't speaking to her or seeing her, yet he still was. I was buying it, but then I found out he has connected with an old girlfriend whom he has told me earlier in our relationship he loved when he was younger. Already in two days they have emailed, spoke on the phone and sent pictures. Oh, and yes I'm sure of all of this... spy programs are wonderful!

I give him all I have. I love him to death. We are such a great match, but I just cannot be accepting of the secrets he keeps about women he has contact with. If there is nothing going on and nothing to hide, why are they a secret, can he not introduce me to them? Sure I may be overpossessive or insecure but don't I have reason to be? Maybe I am just naïve in thinking one woman is enough for him.

[talaniman]

While we all can have friends and communicate with them, it's a couples duty to define the dating relationship between the two of you and set boundaries and rules for acceptable good behavior. On one hand you give your all and on the other you spy, and know he lies.

I fail to see the sense in giving your heart and time to a fellow you spy on and lies to you. The naïve part comes in thinking you have an exclusive hold on such a fellow, and expect him to obey or abide by rules and boundaries that are not clear. Then if lines are crossed you can decide what to do about it.

So what's the agreement you have between you? What are your mutual expectations?

[Homegirl 50]

Are you two mutually exclusive? Are you just dating or is there a possibility of a future? If you have to spy on him and he lies to you yet you stay with him, what is the point? He does what you seem to accept.