[MJME]

Summary of our problem: Insecure Son marries a very domineering woman who has completely alienated us from the family and son goes along with how his wife thinks. Son has been married ten years. They have two children, a boy four years old and a girl eight years old. My husband and I have had a strained relationship with our DIL from the beginning of their marriage. My husband and I have always tried to be good people and showed our love and respect for our son and his family. I started posting questions in 2007 about this situation with our son and his family. After evaluating many post answers my husband and I decided to drop out of their lives four years ago. It is now 2014 and there is no communication with them and our hearts are hurting daily. There is not a moment that I don't think of our son and our grandchildren. We can't call because they have us blocked and at this point we don't want to call because they are the ones who started this parental alienation and they should be the ones to resolve this situation not us. We live in two different states, a three days drive so it is not easy to jump in the car and visit. I want this resolved but see no way to resolve this. Should I write to my son and pour my heart out? But then what? He is the one who does not want to have a relationship! So should we just let this thing ride and maybe someday it will resolve it self? My husband and I are in our late sixties and you never know how much time you have left on that runway of life. Please advice. Thank you again.

[Jake2008]

What a sad situation for all concerned.

Your 'insecure' son as you refer to him, marrying a dominating woman who runs his life. Was he an insecure person, when he was under your parental control as well? And, you say you are polite and respectful, but it was your animosity with his wife, that made him choose her and his children, over you, and that started before they got married if I read this right.

In the meanwhile, you and your husband, for some reason, decided to cut them out of your life, four years ago. You said, you 'dropped out' of their lives. You said you have always had a strained relationship with her; which probably has now, 10 years later, continued to backfire on you.

And now you sound as though you are still blaming his wife for this situation, with your son and her no longer wanting anything to do with you. So, I guess the shoe is on the other foot.

I think what you did, in the beginning, before they were even married, was to set the stage, for what was to come. You did not approve of his choice, and that was known, by at least him, and probably felt, by her.

And here you are, 10 years after he has been married, and four years completely out of their lives, by your choice. What did you expect would happen? That your son would 'put his wife in her place' or choose you and his father, over her? And now her and two children, who are all alienated from you?

I do not hear you saying that you caused any of the problems, and you still refer to her as a 'very dominating woman who has alienated' you from your son and his family. Really?

You cannot repair anything, until you accept responsibility for your own actions. You might start with changing your attitude toward her, which seems consistent right from the get-go.

And, until you do, what do you expect them to do. Forgive? I don't get that impression, because I don't read that you feel responsible for this major, four year rift.

Very, very sad. Particularly for your grandchildren, which I presume you shut out of your life as well. Do you at least send a birthday card or a little Christmas present? What have they done wrong to deserve being snubbed by their grandparents. Is that their mother's fault too? What a position you put your son and his wife in, explaining why their grandparents choose not to have contact with them.

I feel sorry for you, spinning your wheels every day, thinking about them. But you never seem to get out of that rut- at least for the past several years, and actually do something about it. The longer time goes by, the more you will regret not stepping up- with BOTH of them- and have a heart to heart talk. Again, you say you want to spill your heart out to your son- continuing this alienation in such an obvious way, toward his wife.

I think the responsibility is yours. You should definitely consider your daughter in law, equally, when trying to repair the rift in this family. Talking would be a good place to start- make the effort to drive there, after you have maybe sent them both a letter, telling them what you want to try to do. See your grandchildren, burry the hatchet, put a smile on your face, and accept that which you cannot change.

All of you will be so much better off without this monkey on everyone's back.

[joypulv]

The essence is right here, written by you on 11/27/08:
Our son has rebelled against basic conservative values. It is easier for him to stay separated from us rather than address our different perspectives. I just wish he could respect our values even though he does not believe in them. He's happiest when he's not challenged.

Rebelled? No, chosen his own path.
Address your different perspectives? No, there is no requirement that he do so, and I have a feeling they has been 'addressed' countless times.
Respect your values, yes! But when you follow that with 'happiest when not challenged,' I cringe. You are right back to addressing different perspectives, which sound like they are rearing their ugly heads every time you got together.

I wonder if your conservative values are strongly tied to religion. If so, that probably explains why they don't want you around the children.

What would I do if I were you? Drop every shred of 'values' and write a long, long letter, wishing you could start a new life. And mean it. If you ever do get to see them again, say not word except for pleasantries and asking to see pictures and to listen to them talk about their lives. Not ONE WORD.

[smearcase]

I think you will have to be more specific. You are generalizing now like you have all along. Is it different political philosophies, religious, opinions on child rearing, and /or did your son feel that he had to break off from his parents because of their opinions about his future wife?
You know exactly what caused the riff. So long as you don't give us the real reason, you will get best guesses here.
If it is politics, especially in today's climate, and you continually try to convince them how wrong they are--good luck. Pretty much the same if it involves religion. But just guesses until you supply the facts in some detail. You are describing the symptoms, and like many diseases (analogy here, not saying you are diseased) and as we all know, different diseases often have similar symptoms.

[Fr_Chuck]

The issue is, as I remember your posts from the past, is that you did not agree with the life your son chose and it appears he went from one set of controls YOURS, to another. He was never allowed to just live his own life, so he found another path.

Since you are still blaming his wife, not really accepting any blame yourself. Or really looking at your son, since he is free to contact you if HE WANTED.

I would say that you actually go to his home, beg for forgiveness, tell him and his wife you are sorry and just want to be friends and start over.