[sr1997]

My 17 yrs old daughter was in contact with a guy on instagram,social network. The guy is in USA and works in US Army, she was in Ontario, Canada. When we found out this OL relationship and on top of it, the guy was 27 yrs old. We freaked out and tried every single thing possible to make her understand, how dangerous it could be. After passing high school with good grades, she enrolled herself in her chosen subject and got admission in the best university. For which she had to reside in a residence. We were paying all her expenses including tuition, residence fee etc. She never worked. She was still in contact with him even though her dad strongly disapprove this OL relationship and big age gap. First I tried to explain then I thought, this is her first boy friend and this distant relationship will be over soon hopefully. But things turned out very ugly after her 18th birthday. She was using the language and attitude which was quite strange and rude. Once she said, I am 18 now, your job to tell me what to do or not, is over.

To cut the story short, one morning she asked her dad to give her legal documents including passport and said she is leaving because she doesn't want to follow our rules. She moved out to USA, living with that guy who she found out not even 27, he was 31 and she was not even 19. She is been there for 7 months, over staying in USA as she is allowed to stay for 6 months on Canadian passport, abandoned her education, family, status, career everything. She hasn't contacted us since then, whoever tried to contact her from our side, she doesn't respond. I am so devastated after having this incident, I cry all the time, can't understand why she did that when she was taking all her life decision like selecting her school, subject. What did we do wrong that she is not contacting us and have so much hatred against us. Even we have said, if she is adamant to have relationship with that guy, we are fine with it. She should focus on studies first and when the right time comes, she can choose that path.

I don't know what is going to happen to her life. She is illegal there, not going to school, can't work and can't drive. I am in intense depression, seeing psychiatrist, taking anti depressant pills. Her younger sister, who is only 15 affecting badly due to my unstable condition. I don't know how to cope up with this situation. She was my older daughter who I was very close with before that guy came in her life. Now all day, they both posting hatred about religion on twitter. They both claimed themselves atheist however their behavior is not even close to atheism, it is just negativity and hatred. They both insult, condemn, ridicule other people's belief. I worry so much about my daughter's future as we all know, things stay on internet forever.

I don't know how to cope up and what will happen to her in future.

[odinn7]

She's an adult.

Unfortunately, she is treating you this way and has cut contact...at this point, there isn't much you can do for her or about her as she is a legal adult. Although, I have to say, I'm not completely clear on if you or your husband are still supporting her with money...if you are, it's time to stop. Let her make her mistakes and learn from them.

The BIGGER PROBLEM is that you are allowing this to make you come apart. You have another daughter that still lives with you and needs you to be there for her, yet you are so wrapped up in this mess that you no longer have control of that you are letting this affect the poor 15 year old that has no part in this. She is looking to you but you are "unstable" because of a situation that is out of your hands. You have to pull yourself together for the 15 year old because SHE NEEDS YOU. At this point, at the risk of sounding mean, I am going to say you are selfish. I say that because you are allowing this to affect you so much that you don't care about others around you who rely on you.

[sr1997]

Thank you so much for the quick reply. I completely agree with you that I have other one to support and be there for her. I am trying my best but sometimes things are not in control. We are not supporting the older one in any way.

[odinn7]

Then be there for the one that needs you, focus on her rather than focusing on what is going on with the other one. Don't let this other one consume you. As I said, she's a legal adult now and will make mistakes...it's part of growing up. It's not right, but that's how it goes.

[Jake2008]

I think it would be very difficult for you to just shut out your daughter who has left the country, and is living with her boyfriend in the States.

It's really good you are seeking help in coping with this situation, and I sincerely hope it helps you put things in a better frame of mind.

The loss you feel, is real. For her to have been on such a good path in life, then to suddenly let go of everything familiar- school, friends, home, family- is a huge blow. The past several months must have had you worried half to death.

Because this is her first boyfriend, and he lied about his age, I agree that a 10 year age gap between a 17 year old and a 27 year old (who was really 31, so a 14 year gap) is inappropriate under these circumstances.

She is a teenager, with little experience in life or romance, and hardly worldly enough to know what the hell a 31 year old is doing online chatting up a teenager in the first place. She was flattered, and groomed to think she was a woman, capable of being on her own, making her own decisions. It happens all the time, to people of all ages, who get tied up in online relationships, only to learn the hard way that these contacts are not who they seem to be online- both men, and women.

I think you've implied that you know where she is, and family members have been able to get in touch with her. It is unlikely she is going to seek your opinion on her situation, after the fact. See if you can't find a way to send an email, once a week. No pleading, or complaining, or questions about her decision, just light and easy. How her sister is doing, what you've been up to, and her dad. No expectations, and nothing that would suggest you are confrontational or angry.

Hang onto that thread, for now.

And in the meanwhile, keep up visiting with your Psychiatrist, and learn that you need to help yourself, and gain your life back. It may be a few months, or a year, or five years, before your daughter comes home. She may reach out to you at some point, and you need to be ready when that happens.

The road that she is on, may just lead her back home.

[Fr_Chuck]

They may get married, and live a happy life, have children and be so happy together.

There are 10's of thousands of illegals in the U.S. and getting citizenship or legal residence for illegals is getting easier all the time.
It is her life, and just because she is young and he is 31, means it is going to end up badly.

If you stop trying to tell her it is wrong, accept man as a person your daughter loves, loves so much, she picked him over you.

Accept her as she is, never try to preach at her for this being wrong.

Accept this as her choice and just hope it works good.

Remember about 50 to 60 percent of all relationships, those of same age, those in love, and more all end in divorce. Some times it is these odd relationships that will last a life time.

How about being happy for her, that she is happy with him.