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confusedannie · Jan 21, 2014, 06:39 PM

I have a really close male friend who happens to be gay. We love hanging out together and get along quite well. We are very close and tell each other secrets that only we know about each other. We go on out of town trips together. We text every day. We love to eat out. When we are together people assume that we are dating because he is what he likes to call a manly gay.

I do have a boyfriend, who can get quite jealous of our friendship. I always have to assure him that my friend and I are just friends. That my friend is definitely gay. I went to gay bars with him. He ditched me at times on our trips to hook up with another guy. He always talks about the men he meets. I console him every time a guy breaks his heart.

However, last night, while we were sitting outside and drinking wine he said he wants to confess something. He said that there are women he met in his life that he would go straight for. Unfortunately, these women are no longer single. It threw me off because I don't know what that means? Is my friend trying to confess he's bi? He never made any advances towards me so I don't know if he's telling me this because he wanted to date a girl or to see how I would react?

We haven't talked since then. I'm just totally confused. Please help me in figuring this out because I don't want to ruin our friendship.

joypulv · Jan 21, 2014, 06:52 PM

My suggestion is to let it drop. He drank some wine! I worked with a gay guy years ago who said he would go straight if he could live with me. He didn't mean it - he was in the middle of some anxiety over some guy. He just thought I was that comfortable nest, that motherly refuge. Or he was really totally kidding. Gay men can be just as wishful about something nostalgic as straight women with humdrum lives can be about something like adventure. We ALL have that 'alternate existence.' Maybe more than one.
Of course I can't speak for your friend. I may be way off. Ideally you will talk to him again, and if it's still bothering you, ask him what he meant.

He's not really your big concern - it's your boyfriend. Which one do you care about losing? If you can't convince your bf that your gay friend is really just a friend, then you need to make a choice. My suggestion would be to promise your bf that you will spend more time with him. I wouldn't tell him about this 'going straight' bit - I really don't think it's meaningful.

talaniman · Jan 21, 2014, 08:01 PM

Talk to him when he isn't drinking wine and don't overthink this. Were you both drinking wine? Friends will have times of confusion, but they straighten it out. No worry.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 21, 2014, 09:25 PM

He did not say you, if he wanted you, by now, he would have said something.

I would wonder why "YOU" and not you and your boyfriend are going out with him all the time. Where is your boyfriend when you are hanging out, going to dinner and more ? You already said boyfriend is jealous, how are you dealing with that issue ?

confusedannie · Jan 21, 2014, 11:44 PM

joypulv, I am concerned about my boyfriend finding out about that information. He is convinced that my friend is bi instead of gay. To him that matters. I don't want to lose either of them so I am hoping that this little information slip was just due to wine and his anxiety about his life. You're right, I don't think it's a good idea to mention this to my boyfriend. Not right now. I do intend to spend more time with my boyfriend. It might relieve his anxiety over my friend. Thank you for your advice.

talaniman, We were both drinking wine. I will try not to worry about it and let it go unless it comes up again when we are both sober. Then when that happens I will need to clarify things with him. Thank you for your advice.

Fr_Chuck, I was not concerned that he wanted to be with me. I am more concerned of the fact that my boyfriend will not allow us to hang out as much if he thinks that my friend is bisexual (and could get interested in me). He's only allowing me to hang out with my friend because he's relying on the fact that my friend is into men. My boyfriend is not hanging out with me and my friend because they are not really friends. I have been friends with my gay friend for years before I started dating my boyfriend. They talk but they don't willingly spend time with each other unless they have to (like my birthday or Christmas gatherings). He is jealous of how close my friend and I are but I just reassure him that my friend is gay and so not interested in me. Thank you for your advice.

Oliver2011 · Jan 22, 2014, 06:27 AM

How would your boyfriend find out unless you told him? And if your boyfriend controls who you spend time with then maybe you need to rethink that relationship. How old is everyone in this situation?

Trust me as a gay man myself, we don't now nor will we ever have a burning desire for women. Just like straight guys won't go gay for the perfect man.

Originally Posted by confusedannie

joypulv, I am concerned about my boyfriend finding out about that information. He is convinced that my friend is bi instead of gay. To him that matters. I don't want to lose either of them so I am hoping that this little information slip was just due to wine and his anxiety about his life. You're right, I don't think it's a good idea to mention this to my boyfriend. Not right now. I do intend to spend more time with my boyfriend. It might relieve his anxiety over my friend. Thank you for your advice.

talaniman · Jan 22, 2014, 07:52 AM

So the real conflict is with you and your jealous boyfriend. Not your gay guy friend. I can imagine you see hell to pay if he finds out he was right about the gay guy being bi. Shouldn't make any difference whatsoever. Keeping secrets will no doubt add to his jealousy, mistrust and suspicions. Once you get some facts and clarity, open and honest is the path to go with them both.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

girl79 · Jan 22, 2014, 11:17 AM

I would just leave him be. I've got gay male friends who often say yeah they'd go straight for certain women but then I ask if they'd know what to do and the average response is "urggh" "eww" or whatever.

Break up after break up and wine. If I had a load of wine in me now I'd probably be saying yeah I'd probably turn straight... But then I think back and I would say "ewww "

He could be just bi though and is into you. I still wouldn't say anything though. See if he brings it up again

confusedannie · Jan 22, 2014, 06:19 PM

Oliver2011, Right now I am blaming the wine for his confession and will not pursue the issue unless it comes up again (especially when wine is not involved). When that happens I will need him to clarify. I have not told my boyfriend yet. Don't want him to get all worked up over something that may be nothing. My boyfriend doesn't control who I hang out with but for some reason gets jealous of my gay friend. We're all 29 years old.

talaniman, yes my problem is my boyfriend already suspects he's bi (I don't know why or how) and so if his suspicions are correct I have a feeling that he will ask me not to spend time with my friend anymore. If the issue comes up again I will definitely ask for clarification. If he turns out to be bi I will be honest and let my boyfriend know and hope that he'll trust me enough to allow me to still be friends with my friend regardless of his orientation.

girl79, yes I am leaving it for now. If he brings it up again, I'll have to get clarification from him. I think the wine was too strong that night and he was lonely and says things that he's not really thinking through :)

Thank you all for your advice! It makes easier to sort through things when I get different perspectives :)

girl79 · Jan 23, 2014, 06:24 PM

Alcohol + loneliness = deadly combination :-D

Oliver2011 · Jan 24, 2014, 06:59 AM

Don't you think your boyfriend would have the same reaction if you were spending all that time with a girlfriend? Maybe his jealousy is not to the person but to the amount of time you spend with that person. He might feel like he is in second place in your life. I know if my partner was putting me second I wouldn't appreciate it one bit.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 24, 2014, 07:06 AM

I will go back to the outings with the gay friend. How often are you meeting, is it a couple times a week or a couple times a month. Is hubby invited ? And allow him to say no ?

I go with my wife and her friends at times, because that is what couples do.

I am not saying you can not have your own life, but at some point, where the limit is, depends on a couple

confusedannie · Jan 24, 2014, 11:35 AM

girl79, yes I agree :)

Oliver2011, I am not sure where his jealousy is coming from. My friend and I text everyday but we don't actually go out everyday. We usually go out on Fridays for our sushi nights but that's not an every Friday thing. So I would say we go out probably once or twice a week at most. We go on out of town trips (week long) probably every 6 months or so. Majority of my time is spent with my boyfriend but I don't text my boyfriend everyday because I see him everyday. I think it's the constant communication and closeness that was bothering him because he doesn't think my friend and I should be that close that we text everyday.

Fr_Chuck, he's not my hubby yet only a boyfriend. We meet probably once or twice a week. I used to invite my boyfriend but he always declines because he doesn't like the place we go to. He doesn't eat sushi and my friend and I are big sushi fans. So after constantly inviting him to go and him refusing, I just gave up asking. However, if we are going somewhere else I always ask my boyfriend to come but he always declines because he does not like my friend. The only time he would go is if he knows that it's really, really important for me to have both of them present... like my graduation.