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priyanka205 · Jan 22, 2014, 03:05 AM

I have been in a long distance for three years and my boyfriend has been abusive dominating but he wasn't like this before if I joke ask him anything he gets offended. He feels I am suspicious because he tells me you want to go off I don't care and I will never marry you... but then in the end if I leave he accuses me of ending it and it happened before vice versa he won't take the blams he feels it is all my fault... today he is telling me I can find many more girls you are nothing , but I have loved this guy immensely for three years.. I have actually begged him to stay... and he is saying he wants me to change... he says no one in his family likes me but we are engaged.. I am not emotionally strong... because he has made all the love promises guys please suggest and help..

joypulv · Jan 22, 2014, 03:59 AM

You sound like you don't even like yourself, and perhaps that means you are needy too, always looking for reassurance? He picks up on that and says demeaning things to you, and that just makes you crave his caring even more, and the cycle gets worse and worse. This is not love on his part or yours. No, you do not love him immensely. You are in love with a fantasy of what you thought he was. That man doesn't exist. Give up now before this drags out any longer. When you break it off, MEAN IT. Do not respond by phone, email, Facebook, or letter. Plan a whole new life with friends and family who really do love you, and eventually you will find someone loving. (Also - LDRs rarely work out anyway.)

Just keep telling yourself that no person can dominate another unless that person allows it. He doesn't have a gun to your head. It will be easier to break away when you understand that you have been equal partners in how bad this relationship is.

priyanka205 · Jan 22, 2014, 07:49 AM

No I honestly do love him but he does not care about me as he did before and he keps making promises to marry but its been 3 years and he tells me if you don't want me no more then f off... and he starts to block me avoid me and does not talk to me the entire day... it kind of hurts and he said he has got a tape of me and id I mess up or do anything to harm him he will publish it and all that sort... he said I will marry whoever I want who the f are you to tel me but he said that he loves me..
.

smoothy · Jan 22, 2014, 07:52 AM

So.. you like being abused then? YOu have two choices... stick around because you like being abused... or give him the heave ho and find one of the huge number of other men out there that aren't abusive. Its clear he's a jerk. He'll always be a jerk.... do you want to marry a jerk?

Fr_Chuck · Jan 22, 2014, 08:06 AM

Why do you love him, you like being abused, treated badly. It will only get worst and worst.

It is time to have self respect and leave him.

If you just have to talk to him, Plus it is long distance, the minute he says something wrong, hang up, disconnect or stop talking for a few days.

Explain that you will no longer listen to any abuse.

As a police officer, I would see abused women, week after week, go back to the man, till they ended up in the hopsital.

joypulv · Jan 22, 2014, 06:10 PM

Do you realize what you just did? You told us MORE awful stuff about him, in the same breath as 'no I do love him.'
I'm done here. You clearly don't want to hear what any of us has to say. The things he says to you are so bad that no woman I know would stand for it a minute, but you seem to crave it. If you didn't, you'd be long gone.

J_9 · Jan 22, 2014, 06:26 PM

Your boyfriend isn't dominating. He's abusive. If you do end up marrying him, this treatment will only get worse.

He doesn't love you or respect you. You deserve someone who will make you feel good, not bad.

talaniman · Jan 22, 2014, 07:06 PM

You need help. Big Time. Leave and go get it, or keep drowning in your own crap. It's that simple.

odinn7 · Jan 22, 2014, 07:32 PM

Maybe I missed it....you say it's a LDR but have you actually ever met him or is this just an online and phone thing?

Seriously though...it's LDR so why even bother? he sounds like a complete jerk and I wonder why you would put up with being abused like this when you don't even actually see him? tell him it's over and he can think what he wants...he's a tool and he's nasty and IF you ever do marry him, it will get much worse....he may even start hitting you. Is this what you want?

Cat1864 · Jan 22, 2014, 07:50 PM

priyanka, can you help me understand why you are holding on to him as tightly as you are? You say that he wasn't this way 'before'. 'Before' when or what?

Did your relationship start off with you both living in the same place? Did you get to know him before one of moved to a different place?

If not, how well do you know him? Have you ever met him in person?

I don't mean to offend, but is this a love match or was the relationship arranged? May I ask how old you are?

This will be a very difficult question to answer because you are going to have to think about it: Do you love him for who he is at this moment in time or for the person he was and/or you want him to be?

The person you marry should enhance the positive feelings you already have inside yourself. They should not, by their words or actions, encourage the negative ones to grow. If you are questioning his fidelity and loyalty to you then part of you is accepting that love isn't enough. Respect and trust are needed. Do you feel respect for him? Do you trust him? Why? Why not?

Very bluntly, I agree with the others who have posted including yourself. He is emotionally and mentally abusive and controlling.

I would bet that he would be physically abusive and controlling if you were with him. From your writing style, I am guessing that you from a culture where females are supposed to be somewhat submissive. There is a very big difference between giving some control of your life to the person you trust and love, the person who returns that trust and love and willing gives you some control over his life, and allowing someone to use your emotions as a punching bag. Partnerships have a balance between equals. I do not see a partnership or equals in what you have described, do you?

priyanka205 · Jan 22, 2014, 08:57 PM

Hi I have been in ldr for three years he fought with his parents to be with me and now he keeps threatening to leave me and I told his mother about it and she says then why do you have to bear him?
Then we got engaged a while later... however after that he distant himself and then when I ask him he threats to leave and says if you want to leave off... when I left after a month he came back asking for forgiveness I ddid it and told back home..
After that he kept threatening again.. I told his parents then... we broke up ! After three months he comes back saying that give me 6 months let me convince my parents and if I cannot I won't marry you.. at this stage today he is threatening to leave again and saying that if you cannot change off and I willl never come back. I do feel he is just cheating on me.. he has not added me on fb whatsapp we talk once a day and he said he won't marrry unless I change.

the thing is he did fight his parents to marry me and I am from a very good family.. I have been divorced before and so has he... I do not have any self respect in my relationship and if I leave the relationship he comes back accusing me I broke his heart and I betrayed him.. I am 28 yrs old. And he is 34 yrs old... OK we both are very good looking and know the fact that he really doesn't care about having me I spoke to him last night and he said if you cannot change I willl leave you.. so I will do it instead.

Cat1864 · Jan 22, 2014, 09:22 PM

Please do not start new threads about this relationship. We try to keep all information and advice on an issue in one thread. It keeps you from having to type the same thing multiple times and us from repeating already tried suggestions.

Thank you.

odinn7 · Jan 22, 2014, 09:39 PM

We've told you pretty much how it is...asking again isn't going to change that. He is no good.

So I can assume from the fact that you have asked this again and that you really aren't answering anything that anyone has asked....I guess you want us to give you some magical answer to this and won't listen to anything we say unless we have that magical answer. There is none. Put up with it and see how eventually it gets worse or dump him and move on with your life. That's it. Cut and dry, very simple.

You really are not listening to what we're saying so I am done now as I've said all I can.

smoothy · Jan 23, 2014, 06:29 AM

First you said boyfriend... now you say husband... it can't be both. But the advice we gave over and over remains the same... even if you don't want to follow any of it.

talaniman · Jan 23, 2014, 07:10 AM

If neither of you wants to change then you have no future, and after 3 years of trying, things still don't work. You both may look good, but as a couple you are lousy. You have said nothing good about him, so I fail to see all this love you claim to have.

Instead everything you wrote sounds like you are a junkie, and he is your dope. That's not love, its addiction. You sound desperate for a fix.

Alty · Jan 23, 2014, 04:37 PM

You can't change to make someone else happy. He's abusive, he's a jerk, and you should be grateful that you're not yet married, because you can still easily leave him and get on with your life.

It doesn't sound like you're ready to do the only smart thing, which is to leave him. Since you're not willing to do that, I don't see how we can help. We can't give you advice that will change him from an abusive jerk into a prince. So you either leave, or you live with the way he is. Those are your options.