[jesienna31]

Hi, really need so advise. I was dating a married men from work for over a year. It was with ups and downs but I finally decided to quit it. We knew it will never progress towards anything serious, we were more friends with benefits that anything else but I did develop feeling for him and it was much harder for me, especially that he had less and less time on his hands to see me. I tried to break it few times before but always were getting back together. I finally said enough when he really started to ignore me a lot and became quite emotionally manipulative ( I think he had some Narcissistic traits). I think maybe he was trying to break it but didn't want to hurt me so just played with me and waited for me to say stop. Anyway it is hard to let it go...

Going back to my question... he went for holidays with his wife now for more then a month to see his family. I did see him in the office shortly before he left to wish him a nice time. The fact that he went away gave me the space and time to breath and heal... I sent him only one email just trying to be friendly and said to take care and enjoy the holiday.

In the meantime one of his friend's wife got in touch with me, she didn't know we were seeing each other. She is also a very good friend of his wife... (they both were suspicious at some point about me and "mr X") I got to know her though him and I was invited once to her place since she had a baby. I felt quite uncomfortable doing that but somehow I did it. ANyway, I suggested a coffee together in town without thinking about it twice. We chatted for like 3 hours, nothing about my married ex... We were with our kids so she wanted to take some pictures. Then I saw she posted them on Facebook... A bit too much for me... I trully didn't expect that to happen. Now I am sure Mr X and his wife saw that I was hanging out with her.. well it was all a bit strange since I did not plan or expect things to go this way. I was trying to maintain NC and now worried I simply jeopardised my efforts... She suggested another get together, but I feel quite uncomfortable about it all.

I was part of the whole cheating scene with mr X... Also I can't stop obsessing now about what is he thinking about me... Is he thinking that I met her because I want to keep a foot in his life? I am worried he might think I am seeking his attention, which is not true. I just want us to be respectful towards each other and just carry on with out lifes... Did I cross any line here? Shall I explain myself to him? I really want to be sure that he knows that whatever happened between us will always stay between us only. I am worried if he is trusting me on that. I keep worrying that something will go wrong and I will lose the trust and respect in his eyes, which was always there.

Please help. How do I help this situation? Shall I send him an email and just tell him that I met her but it had nothing to do with him at all? Am I going to lose him because of that?
I am really confused and desperate to know what to do, please help... I want us to be on friendly terms...

[joypulv]

You 'finally decided to quit.' And you wanted 'time to heal.' Healing means it's over, and it SHOULD be over.
Then you worry about your relationship with him?
No, you don't need to remain 'on friendly terms.' You never should have been on intimate terms in the first place.
And if he's as narcissistic as you believe, he won't think twice about what you were doing with his wife's friend. If he does, so what? Stop wasting time speculating on what hasn't happened. No, don't email him.
This is why no one should ever get involved with someone from work. Your job is on the line if you don't keep a professional distance from now on.
But it's your CHILDREN who matter most. You don't mention a husband of your own, but it's your children who matter above all.

[jesienna31]

Thank you for your reply...
I know what you mean, I know it should not matter what he thinks but it does to me at the moment and it is difficult to let the feeling go. We were always open about things between us and would never do anything against each other when we were seeing each other. As I say it was mostly friends with benefit arrangements but as time passed I saw I was emotionally involved, this is why I quit and also that I could not carry on like that anymore.
I just want things to be Ok and natural between us, just like we are work colleagues... maybe there is time needed for things to come to be that way.
Do you think I did a mistake meeting up with this girl? I know it does not matter what he thinks but what could be his thoughts on that?
It will take me time to look at it all without any drama or emotions but at the moment I do and really need some advise... Thank you x

[joypulv]

Perhaps it was a 'mistake,' perhaps not.
She may have been asked to get to know you. That's the sort of things good friends do sometimes. Who knows, maybe she likes you. Maybe you need a good friend instead of a lover. Friends outlast failed loves. And he never really was a lover because he clearly puts family above you. You walked into that with eyes wide open.

You can't look back at what or wasn't a mistake. It's done, over, final. You are investing too much time thinking about this. Invest time in more enduring things in life.

[talaniman]

I don't care what the drama is you should leave him alone. That's as simple as it gets. As long as the drama lasts the more feelings get stirred up. Quit while you are ahead. I don't think you have healed as much as you think.

[odinn7]

Am I going to lose him because of that?

Really? I thought you ended it already. Move on.

[jesienna31]

Yes, I know I need to move on and I will... although it is hard. I thought I healed already a lot but I was wrong, this situation made me realise that I am still there with my feelings...
Did I cross the line meeting up with this girl? From the outsiders point of view? Not either his or mine..

[talaniman]

I would not be to keen on making friends with his circle of friends.

[smoothy]

Dating ANYONE from your place of employment... single or not is always a HUGE mistake. Things always find a way of going bad... and someone (one or both) usually end up getting fired or asked to leave voluntarily when it does. Saw it happen more times than I can count over the last 32 years. Never saw one that turned out well in the end.

[Homegirl 50]

Whether you should have met up with her is beside the point. You don't owe him any explanation. You don't need to contact him or have anything to say to him outside of work. Stay away from their circle of friends it's really your way of staying connected to him and it's tacky. Leave the man and his friends alone.

[joypulv]

You asked before if you crossed the line.
You asked if it was a mistake.
You asked again if you crossed the line.
The question is moot - you met with her. We can't possibly know if you crossed the line because it would take 40 hours just to get the whole story, and even then you would get different opinions.
Again - it happened. Take a deep breath and move on. IF it is ever mentioned by him, prepare a simple one line response about how she asked you out.
IF she asks you out again, be too busy with a child, a relative, more work, some little white lie that is vague.
And force yourself to do all the little things we have to do when something is OVER.

[Oliver2011]

I don't get why anyone would want to start a relationship moreover maintain a relationship with someone that cannot give 100% to the relationship. I will never understand that.

Additionally, once you are where you need to be, and that is FULLY out of the picture, he will find your replacement. Cheaters cheat, that's why they are called cheaters. He wants the excitement of cheating and unfortunately there are women out there that will fulfill that for him.

Find someone single who you don't have to introduce like "Hi this is my boyfriend the cheater" or "This is my boyfriend the married guy".

Yes, I know I need to move on and I will... although it is hard. I thought I healed already a lot but I was wrong, this situation made me realise that I am still there with my feelings...
Did I cross the line meeting up with this girl? From the outsiders point of view? Not either his or mine..

[jesienna31]

Thank you... I know that I need to let it go... and I will move away from this circle of his friends as well and from him to. I just need this closure about the situation that happened and messed everything again... I just hope no one ever finds out about the affair, that is all. I want to make sure he was OK about me seeing this girl because I don't want him to get worried that I might have spilled some words. Simply reason- I don't want him to talk bad about me too. I just want clean ending as much as it can be with mutual respect for other people in our lives. Yes, he did cheated on his wife but he was put in arranged marriage. Yes it is his decision to stay married to that women but the cultural pressure and family connections are simply much stronger then any feelings for them I guess.
We both knew what we were doing, I don't blame him I see my part in it all as well... We both went with the feeling of adventure rather then being rational and responsible. But I trully want us to walk away without drama and finger pointing for mistakes... With good memories and mutual respect. This was the reason I thought of sending him an email, making sure that he knows and trusts me that I am not doing anything behind his back... I am happy to admit to him that I shouldn't have met her that day. I won't send this email though if you guys think it is wrong. I am seeking this advise since I know I am not reasoning healthly now but I keep writing all those additional comments so you can see my point of view. If you still stick to NC- I will follow through...

[joypulv]

You listen to advice, then you do what you think is best.

If you can think of a one sentence way to say 'She asked to meet, it was just once, I said nothing, GOODBYE,' then do so. I wouldn't.

[Homegirl 50]

You don't need to explain anything to him. You don't need to be sending him any messages. Leave it alone.
This girl probably mentioned she asked you out and since you say she and his wife suspected you, I'm sure if there were beans spilled the wife would have confronted him.
Leave this alone. Don't worry about what he thinks, get yourself free and over him.

[smoothy]

Yep, move away from it... maintain your silence... and count your blessings if this fades into memory with nothing bad work related happening.

[jesienna31]

Thanks Guys! I know it became a long post but I AM GETTING IT NOW :) Will stick to full No Contact! Thank you for amazing support, without it I would be just lost...

[Homegirl 50]

I wish you well.

[Oliver2011]

"This was the reason I thought of sending him an email" - Bad move.

You can do what you want to obviously but any contact at this point is bad. You are hanging on to any little morsal of attention from him. And as long as you hang on you are not moving your life forward. And arranged marriage or not, cheating is cheating plain and simple. He doesn't need to hear from you so stick to the no contact.

Thank you... I know that I need to let it go... and I will move away from this circle of his friends as well and from him to. I just need this closure about the situation that happened and messed everything again... I just hope no one ever finds out about the affair, that is all. I want to make sure he was OK about me seeing this girl because I don't want him to get worried that I might have spilled some words. Simply reason- I don't want him to talk bad about me too. I just want clean ending as much as it can be with mutual respect for other people in our lives. Yes, he did cheated on his wife but he was put in arranged marriage. Yes it is his decision to stay married to that women but the cultural pressure and family connections are simply much stronger then any feelings for them I guess.
We both knew what we were doing, I don't blame him I see my part in it all as well... We both went with the feeling of adventure rather then being rational and responsible. But I trully want us to walk away without drama and finger pointing for mistakes... With good memories and mutual respect. This was the reason I thought of sending him an email, making sure that he knows and trusts me that I am not doing anything behind his back... I am happy to admit to him that I shouldn't have met her that day. I won't send this email though if you guys think it is wrong. I am seeking this advise since I know I am not reasoning healthly now but I keep writing all those additional comments so you can see my point of view. If you still stick to NC- I will follow through...

[jesienna31]

Thank you again, I guess I am starting to gain some perspective slowly here... Thank u! Xx