[girl79]

Hi everyone.

Here's the story. My girlfriend and I broke up 6 days ago. Her decision. She can't love me how I deserve to be loved and doesn't feel for me the way she feels love should be. We text each other on the day of the break up. About 5 texts. The next day a couple more with her telling me it wasn't anything I did. Then I asked the next day if there was someone else. She said no, she just wanted to be on her own to be"fix her". She text me asking if I am OK, she still cares for me, she isn't a heartless person and she hopes I am OK.

Against this point after reading a lot on no contact with ex etc I stopped replying. I didn't hear from her for two days. Then yesterday morning after she had been out for drinks with her friend for her birthday (we were both supposed to go) she text me saying hi I am sorry for texting you but I gave been thinking about you a lot and I hope just are OK.

I ignored it.

I was out last night with friends for dinner and drinks. My ex found out and texts me saying she's glad I am having fun and it's a shame we didn't get to do these things together (but we did lots together I always arranged days out trips away everything for her), and she said she would leave my stuff from her house at my front door at 5 am on her way to work including concert tickets to germ favourite artist that I got her. I text back listing all the different things we did together, told her that this was her decision not mine. And I thought she would have had more respect for my things than to leave them on my door step. She said I am sorry you're right. I am hurt too you know, I came home early on Friday alone, it doesn't mean I don't miss you u know. I will leave you alone now sorry.

So I just ignored this and now I get a text asking where she will drop my stuff from her house. She says it's just a few t shirts and the reason she said she would leave them at my door was she knows I don't want to see her.

Ok this is the thing. I love her and I want to be with her. I don't know what to do. I wish that she loved me as I love her but I can't make that happen. I don't know whether she does and is just having doubts so broke up with me and now regrets it. I just don't know and I am just clinging to any glimpse of hope. Any advice for me??

[Alty]

Women are hard to understand when it comes to things like this. I should know, I'm a woman.

She doesn't want to be with you, but typical female, she also doesn't want to hurt you. She doesn't want you to hate her. She probably also doesn't want you to stop loving her, even though she doesn't love you.

She's not contacting you because she's still in love with you. She's contacting you to make herself feel better for dumping you. You don't owe it to her to make her feel better about her decision.

Contact her to arrange to get your stuff. I'd suggest that she leave it with a mutual friend. After that, delete her from fb, your phone, everything, and go no contact. Don't even read texts that she sends you, just block them, and ignore.

[girl79]

I am a woman too.

She told me two weeks ago she's looking forward to our future together just the three of us- me, her and my daughter.

I really want her back. I am crazy about her.

I try to think of arguments or bad times but my mind just goes back to good things.

I am not going to be in touch with her though. I don't want to humiliate myself by pleading with her to get back together.

Ugh. Women!

[odinn7]

Ok, so I'm not a woman....lol....

I've been through this though.

As Alty said, she's trying to alleviate her guilt so she keeps contacting you to make herself feel better. Whenever I hear stuff like "I need time" or "I need space" or "I need to fix myself", it's an excuse for the most part. They want to break up because they found someone or whatever but the best they can do to keep from feeling guilty and to try to make things easier is to say things like that. Does it help you? Not really...I mean, what is that? I heard the "time and space" thing once and I knew it was crap. I knew why she broke up with me...but that time and space crap didn't make it easier, in fact it kind of pissed me off. I knew she was lying, and it aggravated me that she couldn't be straight about it...all in the name of "saving" me....while she was really just hurting me more.

Anyway....I feel for you. I know what it's like. You have the right idea though....don't plead...don't humiliate yourself. Realize that it is probably over and you just need to move on with your own life. Like you said, her decision....but now it's time for you to take control and not let her hurt you. Get your stuff, tell her you need to stop hearing from her and be done with it. It will hurt, but the sooner you break contact, the sooner you will heal.

Good luck.

[Alty]

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to odinn7 again.

I completely agree with Odinn.

Since you're female too, you probably understand her much better than a man ever would. We're nurturers, it's in our DNA. We can't stand to hurt people, especially people we care about. I'm sure she does care about you, but that's not enough to build a relationship on. Sadly, she's letting her need to feel like she's not a bad person, over rule your need to move on. She's hurting you because she wants to feel better about herself.

You don't owe her that. She ended it, so she needs to walk away and stop re-opening this wound and giving you hope. That's the worst part of us women. We don't get that by trying to nurture when we break up with someone, we're actually making it worse. It's far less painful for the person we left, to walk away and cut all contact, than it is to constantly contact, giving the person hope that there's a chance, just so we can alleviate our guilt.

[talaniman]

Tell her you don't need the stuff and leave you alone. She may have dumped you but doesn't get to torture you. Leave her alone.

Talaniman Rule - When you get dumped disappear.

Go shop till you drop and replace the stuff. Take your daughter with you. That's what you do to stop that texting crap. The cowards way to ease guilt and keep you from moving on. Ignore her some more. That's what you do. Heal and do better.

[girl79]

Do you think there is any hope of getting her back.

You know if I try no contact for a few weeks.

She's told me she misses me and is saying things like you don't want to see me do you...

I have been looking at things online you know like how to get your ex back after they have ended things etc. It says to try no contact for so long and improve yourself and then make contact again and try to get the relationship back again.

She hasn't cheated on me I know that. We'd have had each others passwords and phones lent to each other etc so nothing to hide. I really don't think she has been with someone else unless maybe she's been thinking of an ex or something but I know no contact has been made.

I desperatly want her back. I want a relationship with her. I made mistakes, let the spark go out between us and this is part of the reason she ended it. She said she felt like my friend and the lack of intimacy was a big problem .

I just wish I could have the opportunity to go back and get things right.

Is there any hope at all?

[talaniman]

Desperate is what is feeding you false hope. No Contact is for your own good to let your emotional dust settle and see things realistically, and rationally to eventually make better decisions for yourself based on facts, and not just feelings. Not to get an ex back.

No one can predict the future, but when you can see the good AND bad, not just the good, things may look vastly different. Right now you can't, or you would realize as desperate to get her back as you are, she hasn't changed her mind. My experience is that once people let go of the emotional baggage and old attachments, they seldom even want to go back to the way it was, and want to explore finding BETTER options and opportunities to be happy.

Read my signature, and get to that place that you can make better decisions for yourself, without her. No Contact leads you down that path of changing the priorities of your life, and eliminating your desperation. Getting her back is NOT the priority. Getting some good orderly direction is. Then you can deal with whatever life throws at you, and be better for it.

Time is your friend, being miserable should not be an option. Mourn your "loss" and rebuild a life that you enjoy with friends, family, and activities that make you happy. Not easy, nor instant. The very good news is you are not giving up your dignity or self respect to get her back, so deal with your own feelings of loss, and regret, and don't give in to desperation.

At this time the priority is to stop her from torturing YOU with her texts, and passive aggressive methods of contact. Such statements and references by her of how she is suffering and how you don't want to see her are but strategies to keep you in the friend zone and a part of her life as she needs to. Works for her, but makes you desperate for a deeper understanding and commitment. It totally stops YOU from healing.

Healing from this life changing event IS the goal, and should be the priority. Don't allow anyone, especially her, to stop your healing, as her priorities have changed and YOU are not her priority any longer. In time you will see that.

[odinn7]

I've known many people that have gotten back together after a break up...things are wonderful...amazing....for the first few weeks or months and then everything goes south again and you're left to start healing all over again.

As you've been told...no contact isn't to make them want you back...that is a twisted version of what no contact is for.

[girl79]

Ok. Thank you all for your advice.

[girl79]

Mail from her (I am not answering texts)

She says she deleted my number so she wouldn't keep texting and bothering me. She will leave my stuff at my front door tomorrow at 5am.

She is miserable and she knows it's her own fault and she deserves it..