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ra2791 · Jan 3, 2014, 11:06 AM

Our stepmother has started making comments similar to the ones she stated before our biological grandmother was put into an assisted living center, about our father. I asked her if our dad knows she planning on putting him in there and she then changed her answer and said oh no... I've changed my mind. We think she wants to get rid of him and then do whatever she wants with her life and not have to care for him. They have raised 3 generations of her kids in their home and they ALL still live there. Now no one wants to take care of him they just want the benefits of all he worked for and then dump him in an old folks home. Can she do this? We would rather take him into our homes to care for him. Do we not have any say about how our dad is treated in his later years? Something seems suspicious here. They live in California in Kern county. What kind of attorney would be able to assist us? Her oldest son called us to warn us about this issue so we are pretty sure she doesn't have our dad's best interest at heart. Can we sign a waiver to any future claims to his estate if she will just let us take care of our dad ourselves? They've been married 35 years. We can't talk to dad by phone she won't turn up the sound on the telephone so he can hear and his hearing aides never have working batteries. We call him on holidays & birthdays and he cannot converse because of this. It's maddening! A few years ago my sister got him to put things in a trust and she and my stepsister are co-trustees. What rights do we have? This was ours dads 4th marriage.

stinawords · Jan 3, 2014, 01:12 PM

Are you and/or your siblings also in California? You don't have to be but it could make things easier so there isn't as much traveling. Is your father ill or have a reason that he needs someone else to care for him? If so he is and you think he is not getting the care he needs, you first call adult protection to check on him. However, if the only thing he isn't able to do is hear the TV there is little if anything they can do. You would need to contact a family law attorney in his county. Have you asked your father if he wants to live with you or one of his other children? Has he given power or attorney to anyone? I wish I could say this was easy and straight forward but things like this can become quite complicated.

ScottGem · Jan 3, 2014, 02:28 PM

There are attorneys who specialize in elder law. I would contact one of them. If you can document that she is keeping you from communicating with your father and not keeping batteries in his hearing aid, that may qualify as elder abuse.

What I think you need to do is get dad to give power of attorney to one of you and your siblings. You might also need a health care directive to specify who can make decisions about his care. A competent elder care attorney can advise.

joypulv · Jan 3, 2014, 03:31 PM

I wouldn't use lack of usable hearing aids as proof of anything... my parents both spent thousands on the best ones and couldn't use them with a phone because of feedback screeching.
I agree that a lawyer is needed, and perhaps the help of the one son who warned you.
If he is aware and alert, there is NO REASON why he can't make his own preparations and decisions, and I personally would hop on a plane and GO to him. Now his wife could bar the door even though he might want to see you (this does happen) so I would get that one son to arrange to be there too. Try non-confrontational contact before you go the legal route.

ScottGem · Jan 3, 2014, 04:28 PM

I'm going to disagree somewhat with joy. While its possible that the problem is the phones, that they never seem to have usable batteries might be considered abuse. It is, at least, enough for investigating.

But, I want to make clear, you would be hiring an attorney who represents your father, not you. The attorney would look after your father's interests, not yours. If they coincide fine.

cdad · Jan 3, 2014, 04:42 PM

First off you are going to need to know his true medical condition. Calling his doctor wont cut it as there are laws in place and they can't discuss his case with you without his permission. Being removed from the situation you may not be seeing the complete story.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 3, 2014, 09:44 PM

There may or may not be things you can do, at this point, you can, and all of you should, go and see him on a regular basis, to there in person.
When was last time that happened.

Next let step mother know that he can come live with you, and see about taking him home.

Also, while I hate it,sometimes a nursing home is the only place or best place, my father got to a point, where he could not walk, could not control bathroom functions and more. He needed full time round the clock care.

ra2791 · Jan 4, 2014, 10:04 PM

I appreciate ALL the responses because we are very unsure of how to proceed with this problem. Two of us live in California and one in Oregon. We saw our Dad about two months ago and he does have trouble walking but we felt his mind was good. He just can't hear no matter how loudly we speak. Now that I asked her if Dad knows what she is planning she doesn't want to talk to us and won't help us by turning up the phone volume. It just feels wrong to us that there are grown adults living there, (have been for 30 years plus), and no one wants to help him with a bath. I will agree he can get irritated with her and doesn't always want to do as she asks. We liked the idea of our Dad having his own attorney. We have not asked if he would want to live with any of us. We've been keeping the peace all these years and have said nothing to upset that household. It's an emotionally charged issue no matter how we approach it.