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Gunner87 · Jan 1, 2014, 04:27 AM

So I spent New Year at a female friends house and we ended up sleeping together. I have loved her for a while and she says she feels the same, but she has a boyfriend. I know that he doesn't deserve her as he abuses her. She keeps trying to end it with him and he keeps somehow dragging her back in. She has said that she wants this as more than just a one off, but I now really don't know what to do. Please help.

joypulv · Jan 1, 2014, 05:41 AM

DO NOT get involved in a triangle. She has to decide between you before this goes any further, and she is being unfair to you (and possibly the boyfriend, who may be abusive or not). Tell her so! Some women are indeed locked into abusive relationships out of fear, but she's not, if she can sleep with you. Somehow drags her back in? Please. She doesn't deserve YOU if she's able to use that as an excuse.

Cat1864 · Jan 1, 2014, 07:39 AM

So she has an abusive boyfriend but manages to have another male stay at her house and to have sex with him. That sounds more like she is playing games and trying to set you up as her 'rescuer' or her emotional punching bag while she stays with the male she probably claims she loves. She needs to understand that it is her life an relationship. She has to deal with it and fix the issues. She cannot use another person to get her out of it or to make it more tolerable.

If she manages to walk away from him, it should be for herself because it is best for her. It should not be to jump into another relationship. She needs to take time to heal and unpack her emotional baggage. Not taking time to let the past go and rebuild her support for herself can result in piling her baggage on her next boyfriend and making him responsible for all of the wrongs of her ex. She needs to be able to walk away and stay away from the ex on her own otherwise she will vulnerable to giving in to the 'pull' for going back to him.

She has crossed the line and cheated on him. That is highly unacceptable. It is making her situation worse and pulling you into her drama. Step back and do not allow your own emotions to cloud your thinking. If you can remain her friend and nothing else then give her support while she deals with her life. If you can't be her friend without expectations of getting anything out of it, now or in the future, then walk away until you can handle your own emotions.

talaniman · Jan 1, 2014, 09:34 AM

Her boyfriend may not deserve this girl, but you will get what you deserve from messing with a lying cheater, and won't like it. Stop listening to the small head, and run the other way. That's what you should have done in the first place, love or NOT, and that's what you should do now.

Gunner87 · Jan 1, 2014, 05:53 PM

I can see your points but I can't help how I feel for her. I know I shouldn't have done what I did. I just don't know how to make her see what is really going on here

talaniman · Jan 1, 2014, 06:05 PM

What does helping her cheat have to do with your feelings? Maybe you can't help the feelings you have but you can sure help what you do about them. You believe anything a liar and cheater says? If she will cheat with you, then she will cheat on you while you foolishly think you can show her the truth.

She knows the truth already. You know only what she told you. Don't get played and leave girls alone who have boyfriends. At least stay out of their beds. How is that helping?

Gunner87 · Jan 1, 2014, 06:12 PM

I didn't ask for any of this to happen and have been feeling rubbish all day because of it. But I can't just walk away as if nothing has happened

talaniman · Jan 1, 2014, 07:00 PM

Why not?

Gunner87 · Jan 1, 2014, 07:03 PM

Because I know that we would make each other happy. And that is what she deserves

talaniman · Jan 1, 2014, 07:18 PM

Good Luck with that.

Gunner87 · Jan 2, 2014, 04:42 AM

Joypuly - what do you mean 'she doesn't deserve YOU if she can use that as an excuse '?

Cat1864 · Jan 2, 2014, 07:20 AM

Originally Posted by Gunner87

Because I know that we would make each other happy. And that is what she deserves

You can't know that you would 'make' each other happy because your current relationship is based on lies and the adrenaline rush of doing something you should and she does know is wrong. Talking to you about her relationship, getting you on her side, pouring out her emotions with the intent of making you more than a friend are all part of emotionally cheating on the person she is in a 'committed' relationship with. Then the two of you decide to ignore the boundaries of good behavior and give in to this grand passion that you know is wrong. Now you have some regrets but they probably won't stop you from attempting to get her in bed again because your hormones and emotions are clouding your thinking.

You cannot 'know' that you would be happy together until you have tried to make a relationship work. A relationship that isn't built around one person already being in a relationship with someone else. A relationship takes a lot of energy and work to keep it viable. It isn't all about making each other happy. It is about surviving the bad times. It is about supporting each other through life altering changes, accepting each other as individuals, communicating and compromising, etc. It is how you can work through the negative times and still find happiness together. But she needs to let her boyfriend go and build a healthy relationship with herself before attempting to build one with anyone else.

You should back up and say 'no more'. Tell her to get her life in order and someday down the road give you a call after she has dealt with all of her drama.

What she deserves is to stop making excuses or rationalizations for staying with someone she claims is abusive. What she deserves is walking away from him to build a new life on her own learning how to give herself the support she needs. What she deserves is taking time to heal and deal with her emotional baggage. What she deserves is learning how to make herself happy so that she isn't relying on someone else to take care of her emotional needs.

What she doesn't deserve is someone allowing her to use them as a crutch because she hasn't figured out how to stand on her own two feet.

How long have you known this female? What do you know about her relationship? How do you know he is 'abusive'?

Gunner87 · Jan 2, 2014, 07:33 AM

I've known her for almost two years now. I know that he has threatened her and physically attacked her.

talaniman · Jan 2, 2014, 08:32 AM

Yet she stays, and you are going to rescue her? You need more than luck, lust, and good intentions. Just can't see this is totally an unhealthy situation, and you are no doctor, just a pawn in somebody else's game, can you can you?

Cat1864 · Jan 2, 2014, 08:33 AM

Originally Posted by Gunner87

I know that he has threatened her and physically attacked her.

Then she needs to look into support groups for abused women as part of walking away from that relationship. She may even need to involve the police and court system. But that is still something she needs to do for herself.

I know it isn't easy to stand back and try to fix everything for someone you care about. However, she will stay caught up in this pattern if she doesn't learn how to break it. She has to say "enough" and do what is needed to make herself strong enough to let him and their relationship go.

Honestly, I don't see how you can be her friend without your own feelings and expectations adding confusion and more drama.

Can you give her friendly support without expecting more? Could you give her space and time to go through the healing process and let her go if she decided her feelings for you aren't the same as yours for her? These are thoughts you need to think about along with the fantasies of how you could be a great couple if only her boyfriend weren't in the picture.

Go out. Have fun. Maybe meet someone better suited for you than you think this female is. But don't wait on her to get her life figured out. You have your own to live.

joypulv · Jan 2, 2014, 02:06 PM

What you write here doesn't gibe. A woman who is afraid of a man doesn't dare sleep with another man in her own house. 'Threatened her' can run the gamut from something very ordinary to something dangerous. Even physically attacking her can run from a shove or a grab of an arm to being beaten to a pulp or locked in a closet. I don't think you witnessed any of it either, because you are vague about it.
In other words, there is a wide spectrum of truth that we don't know and I don't think you do either. That means that she can very probably be using him as an excuse. She just doesn't act like a woman too scared to leave. AGAIN - she wouldn't have slept with you!
What I meant by she doesn't deserve you is that you sound forthright and honest, while she is full of excuses. You are her backup for loneliness, when he leaves her home alone. As soon as he walks in the door, she's all over him.

Gunner87 · Jan 2, 2014, 02:33 PM

I am a very forthright and honest person. I just can't stand by and see someone I care about being treated the way he treats her. I know you probably all think I'm stupid for still having feelings towards her and not walking away, but I don't often have a woman like me. This whole situation is totally new to me.

Alty · Jan 2, 2014, 02:41 PM

She chooses to stay, despite all the things she claims that her boyfriend does, she chooses to stay. You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved, and she's obviously made her choice. It's not you, it's the boyfriend.

I've been in abusive relationships, but I left right away. A man hits me, he'll only get one shot. She chooses to stay, and frankly, the fact that she cheated on this man she's so afraid of, leads me to believe she's not being completely honest about how he treats her. Sounds more like an excuse to cheat on him, a way to get sympathy.

So, because women don't normally like you you'll latch on to the first one that gives you a bit of slap and tickle, because you feel you won't get another chance?

Are you really trying to save her, or are you trying to get her for yourself? It doesn't really sound like your reason for this is anything but selfish on your part.

Bottom line, she has a boyfriend. She's staying with him. It's not hard to break up with someone that you don't want to be with, so you can be with the man you adore. If she's not breaking up with him, she's not that into you. Time to accept that.

Gunner87 · Jan 2, 2014, 03:42 PM

It's not that I don't think I'll get another chance because I know I will, that doesn't mean I can just turn my back on her.

joypulv · Jan 2, 2014, 03:47 PM

You don't have to literally turn your back.
You have to make it clear that SHE isn't being fair to YOU. You really have to stop seeing her as the abused and helpless waif. You have to tell her that she cannot play on your heart while she keeps up her relationship with him. And you have to stay out of ANY thing that involves him,