[sidocpht]

I will try to give short version. My husband who I loved dearly got hooked on drugs 8 yrs ago. He treated me like crap but never cheated other than with drugs and porn. I finally after 8 yrs of begging for his love gave up and took our 3 kids and found my own house. I love my new place but my heart always missed my husband even when I got a new boyfriend. I've been with him for 11 months now and even though I love him in the back of my mind I always felt like something was missing.

Well now my husband has come back asking me to go with him to rehab classes weekly and that he wants to win me back, that he screwed up and misses me and our family. I have been going to classes with him and I broke up with my boyfriend. Not because of my husband but because he lied to me about hiding vodka. Wouldn't you know it. I seem to attract men with addictions. I've been seeing my husband again but now I miss my boyfriend and I feel like I'm torn.

My boyfriend is calling me saying he realizes he has a problem starting and he shouldn't have done this to me when my husband did me the way he did. Now I have both of them wanting me and I don't know what to do. I love both. I laugh more with my boyfriend but I have kids and a history with my husband. Right now I have told them both I want space I have lots to think about.

So how do you know what's the best answer? I'm afraid my husband may turn back to drugs but he swears this time he hit rock bottom. This is the 1st time he has done rehab and I do see a different person.

Help

[joypulv]

You need to put your responsibility to your 3 children first. I think that means staying very cautious with any men while you sort out why you are attracted to men with addictions. And your husband needs to prove that he is capable of doing what he learns in rehab before he can move in with you. Usually rehab counselors have something to say about that - have you talked about it with them?
I would tell the boyfriend that you are trying to work things out with your husband for the sake of the children.
Even if it doesn't work out.

[Jake2008]

Your husband has only recently made a decision to change, as far as dealing with his addiction goes. Are you going to NA meetings with him? Why is he not seeing a counselor?

Your boyfriend, I presume, is an alcoholic? So there is a history with him as well.

From what you have read so far, neither one is in a position to be stable, and sober, let alone back in a serious relationship with anybody.

You have lived with two men with addictions, and so have your children. No doubt all of you have been through hell with the complicated relationships that go along with being involved with a person addicted to drugs and alcohol.

That you feel a strong attraction to both men, and don't know what to do, or who to pick to bring back into your home with your children, let me point out the obvious.

Leave them both alone.

If you were still with your husband, I would have encouraged you to seek family counseling, and to support your husband as much as you can while he learns how to live his life without any substances. And seek help in what to do, and how to find the help you need for yourself, and your children.

But you haven't been with your husband for almost a year, and now face a second huge problem with still wanting to be with your boyfriend, who is out of the family picture now as well.

It seems at some point in your confusing life, you were playing 'pick one' while having both men on the go at the same time, both with serious problems.

Making any relationship work, particularly where children are involved, means putting the children first. My advice to you is to leave both men, to deal with their own problems. They need to face their problems, and deal with them, on their own, without you. Spare your children the grief of having to once again get used to a 'daddy' in the picture, only to end up in the same place.

There are long-lasting, sometimes life long, effects on children growing up under the circumstances you have described.

My advice to you is to work hard to provide a stable, loving home with your children, until at least six months have passed, and have minimal contact with their father. As to the boyfriend, same thing. You assisting them in dealing with their addictions, won't allow them to take control over their own lives.

And until they are, and can prove, through actions, not words, that they are stable, then, and only then, should any consideration be given to attempting another relationship, with either of them.

[talaniman]

Leave them both alone and build your own life without men for a while. When you have sorted your own life out in a year, then you can better see the truth of your husband sorting out his life. You are still married, and that has to be dealt with first I think, so you have many decisions yourself regarding how you handle your own business.

If the door is open to your husband, what's the boyfriend for except a distraction from your misery? Maybe you need help as much as your husband or boyfriend. Maybe more.

A support group for people dealing with addicted/alcoholic partners is my suggestion Alanon may have a local chapter to help you through this confusion.

[J_9]

I'm going to go against the grain a little bit here. Bear with me.

Your main priority is your three children. Not your love life. For your children to grow up healthy and well adjusted, you need to be healthy and well adjusted. To do so means that you have to put these toxic relationships behind you and focus on your children.

It would be beneficial for you to get into some counseling to find out why it is you tend to attract addictive personalities and learn some skills as to how to avoid this kind of person.

Your husband has too much baggage right now to be re-introduced into your lives. He needs to get healthy himself, both mentally and physically, before you are again a couple. That can take upwards of a year or more.

As has been mentioned, NA is a good place for you to start.