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april782013 · Nov 20, 2013, 12:16 PM

Hello,
I recently met a guy who asked me out on a date. We went for coffee, walked around the city and had great conversations. During our conversation, I asked him if he was married and he made a soft no rely... so I assumed he was single. I also stated to him that I do not date married men because its wrong. He was perfect: kind, caring, considerate and smart, not to mention attractive. He started holding my hand and being affectionate, he even tried to kiss me in which I refused because I do not kiss on the first date. The following days after that, he called me everyday, sent me text messages, we spoke hours on Skype, and we we even pulled a few all nighters (on the phone). Then I agreed to meet up with him for drinks. We then did a little more than hold hands, we became more intimate and closer. By then we were crazy about each other.

A couple of days after that he told me about a "situation" a "friend" had. He said that his friend was in a marriage that didn't really count as a marriage. Basically, it was arranged by his relatives. He claimed he was pressured to marry her because of tradition and was never in love with her. He knew his wife for two weeks then got married. They never consummated the marriage, even on their honeymoon, and fought most of the time. They kissed like once and I don't even know if it was a romantic one. He said she revealed two days after marrying she was in love with a man for 8-10 years but couldn't marry him because her parents were against it. They lived together for three months then he moved to another country. They haven't seen each other for 1.5 years. Clearly, he was talking about himself.

I was so angry that he didn't tell me he was married I was literally shouting with him on the phone till 4 am in the morning. He said that it will eventually lead to a divorce but he has to go back to his country in six months to do it. I then removed him from Skype and Facebook and vowed never to call again. Then I got weak and called him because I missed him so much. He picked up and we started talking again like we were dating. I haven't met him in person yet for another date because I don't know what to do.

This leads to my question... what do I do about this situation? Should I believe him? Is he in a real marriage and should I respect that? Should I met up with him? I so confused.

Homegirl 50 · Nov 20, 2013, 12:21 PM

Leave him alone.
He's married and he's a liar. When he "eventually" divorces and can show you his papers then you might consider meeting him.

joypulv · Nov 20, 2013, 12:24 PM

I think what troubles me most is that you think that we know what he is thinking just from your description of him. No one but he knows.
Given that, my advice is to tell him that you won't take a chance on the future of his marriage, that it breaks your heart, that you care about him very much, but goodbye.
There is just no way to know the truth, and even if you did have some solid evidence of the present, you can't know whether he will divorce her or not. There could be children. There could be money yanked away from him. There could be total rejection by his own family... and it could all be a total lie.

Oliver2011 · Nov 20, 2013, 01:34 PM

I was going to add but the ladies summed it up nicely.

Perfect? Pfffffftttttt.

Okay I did add.

talaniman · Nov 20, 2013, 02:29 PM

He has already lied to wooed you, that's as far as you need to go. You don't do the date married guys thing, remember? Now that you know the truth, deal with the disappointment, and anger, so you are no longer confused about what your standards are.

april782013 · Nov 21, 2013, 11:31 AM

Thank-you everyone for your responses. I feel so violated. I would never ever have done those things with him (be intimate) if I knew he was married. I feel I was lied to in the worst way possible. When I told him that I don't date married men he purposely circumvented the question, or made it look like he wasn't married. He initiated everything. I'm just so lonely and depressed and was wanting a good friend. I'm at a bad place right now and have so many problems. I slipped and called him and spoke to him on the phone as if nothing happened. I'm starting to feel angry again though. I feel I was taken advantage of in the worst way possible.

april782013 · Nov 21, 2013, 11:34 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

He has already lied to wooed you, that's as far as you need to go. You don't do the date married guys thing, remember? Now that you know the truth, deal with the disappointment, and anger, so you are no longer confused about what your standards are.

Thank-you everyone for your responses. I feel so violated. I would never ever have done those things with him (be intimate) if I knew he was married. I feel I was lied to in the worst way possible. When I told him that I don't date married men he purposely circumvented the question, or made it look like he wasn't married. He initiated everything. I'm just so lonely and depressed and was wanting a good friend. I'm at a bad place right now and have so many problems. I slipped and called him and spoke to him on the phone as if nothing happened. I'm starting to feel angry again though. I feel I was taken advantage of in the worst way possible.

Oliver2011 · Nov 21, 2013, 11:36 AM

Originally Posted by april782013

Thank-you everyone for your responses. I feel so violated. I would never ever have done those things with him (be intimate) if I knew he was married. I feel I was lied to in the worst way possible. When I told him that I don't date married men he purposely circumvented the question, or made it look like he wasn't married. He initiated everything. I'm just so lonely and depressed and was wanting a good friend. I'm at a bad place right now and have so many problems. I slipped and called him and spoke to him on the phone as if nothing happened. I'm starting to feel angry again though. I feel I was taken advantage of in the worst way possible.

Eh you live and you learn. Just move on from it. People show you patterns of behavior and he has definitely shown his. But life is all about lessons, some harder than others. But I wouldn't allow yourself to feel bad since he was the one lying.

joypulv · Nov 21, 2013, 12:53 PM

'I feel I was taken advantage of in the worst way possible.'
Far from the worst way possible - that's the man who gets you pregnant, gets you to move far from your home, takes all your money, and so on.
Your anger is only hurting you. If you can see that it was actually a bit your own fault by not finding out more about him (work, family, childhood, and where he lives) over a longer period, then you can accept a little blame (takes two to tango) and THEN be able to let go of it faster and more completely. Basically you have to shrug and say 'Oh well' to all relationships that go wrong. He's not a serial killer, not out to molest little girls or boys, not breaking into your bank account, not enticing you to put him on the deed to your house. He hasn't given you herpes or even a curable STD, or left your cat strangled on your doorstep. He might even be a sweet, hapless guy who really will get divorced, who met you and fell for you, and knew he shouldn't have jumped in but did anyway.
Not excusing him! But don't let your loneliness and problems define how much he has 'ruined' your life. He hasn't. Just let him go and tell him to contact you in a year if he has divorced, and if he wants, to see if you are available.

If you want, tell us your other problems, and it might help you forget him, especially if we can help you solve them.