[Wobble123]

I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years now, and everything is/was great, we love each other very much and have been living together happily for a year now. But a few month ago (start of September) she just stopped wanting sex. Now I've tried everything, I have tried asking for it, I've tried not asking for it, I've tried being romantic but not pushy by giving her frequent massages and cuddles etc. nothing is working.

We have talked about it on multiple occasions and what happens is that she gets upset and says she's a let down, then that night we coincidentally have sex. The thing is I don't want to upset her by bringing it up just so I can get sex. I brought it up today, the fact that it has been just under 2 weeks since we've done anything, and she hadn't even realised, then she got upset and started crying about being a let down and it left me feeling guilty yet again.

I hate having to be the one initiating any intimacy every time, unless I've brought the topic up with her in which case she feels obliged to start it up that night. I think he last time I felt like she actually wanted sex was back at the end of August. She just doesn't seem to get that it's not all about the fact that it feels good, I feel rejected and like she doesn't find me attractive anymore even though she tells me differently.

Just a few night ago we made plans to put the spark back in our relationship, I'd have thought having sex more often than once every 2 weeks would help with that personally.

I treat her like a princess because I like to make her happy, I by her flowers, cook her dinner every night, do most of the household tasks, tell her I love her and do pretty much all I can to make her happy because she deserves it. However I'm starting to think maybe I should think about myself for once and try to play a little hard to get and stop,doing all these things for her.

[Cat1864]

This isn't meant to place blame or anything like that, but we need to back-up and get more information about her.

1. How old is she?

2. How is her health? Does she have any medical issues? Is she on any medications? Has she changed birth control/contraceptives?

3. How is her stress level? Is she working, going to school, both, looking for work? Are there issues with family or friends?

4. Did anything happen around the time you noticed that she didn't seem to want sex? Major issue in another area of her life, health problems, pregnancy scare, someone she knows getting pregnant and causing her to worry about it, etc.?

5. How and when have you tried to talk to her? Are you asking her if anything is wrong or telling her that you aren't getting 'enough'?

6. Were you doing all that before September?

7. Can she show you affection and intimacy without you trying for sex?

September to beginning of November really isn't a long time, two months. If you just started doing everything you listed, you may be putting pressure on her without realizing it. She may also be getting the feeling that you are doing all of that to get sex and not because you care or they need to be done.

It isn't uncommon for people to go through periods of low to no libido for no reason other than hormone fluctuations or stress. The stress may be a build up of small things and hard to pin down to a specific issue.

Because there could be a medical issue as part of the problem, she may need to see her doctor and have her hormones checked. If she has a clean bill of health, then you can sit down together and calmly discuss what might be other issues.

You may need to be patient and understand this isn't about you or how attractive she finds you. She may want you as much as you want her but is afraid to show it because she doesn't feel able to perform.

[talaniman]

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cat1864 again

I often say when you make it about YOU, then you get distracted by your own feelings and not paying attention to your partner. Having been together a year she may well have her own cycles of high and low libido, or is distracted by other things going on in her life, that are higher priorities.

I think a good partner can step back and be objective and not so selective about what's really going on, and find ways to deal with these droughts of sex positively. I have always seen a lack of sex as a symptom of a larger issue in other areas of the relationship that needs addressing. It's a challenge in new relationships, and to survive and thrive in the relationship, you have to take a different view than just yours, or your feelings.

Lust fades, but love grows, and when the physical wans the spiritual and emotional is the bond that you build on. I think it's a big red flag when lulls in the action and you get selfish because of the lack of attention, and have not even considered a better coping strategy than feeling sorry for yourself, or neglected.

Sometimes partners require more than just the things we like to do for them, or give them. Sometimes they have needs we don't know about and need to find out about. That's your challenge, not more sex, and if you want to reignite a spark, start with the mind, NOT the body. Foot rubs/flowers are great, but maybe the aren't the only answer. Find what is.

[Wobble123]

Thanks for the replies.

1) She's 20, nearly 21
2) No medical issues at all, and the same contraceptives are being used.
3)She is working, and does have fluctuations in stress levels due to a colleague and her family (Long story, she ran away from home just before I got together with her because her parents were controlling and abusive, and since then they have done various things such as spread rumours, tried to attack me because I didn't believe their ludicrous lies etc)
4) This is an interesting one, at the end of August we went on holiday and during that time she was on her period, and when she took one of her "feminine hygeine products" out there are a blob on there, of which the only explanation seems to be she had a spontaneous miscarriage, so we sort of did have a pregnancy scare. We talked it all through and we both seemed to be a cross between confused, relieves and upset. However for the remainder of the holiday she was fine and actually wanted sex more than ever. So I thought that wasn't the reason.

4) We've talked a few times about it, and I don't tell her "I want more sex" or anything like that, I ask if it's something I've done wrong, if there's anything she knows that's causing her to lose interest, if there's anything I can do to help etc and she assures me it's not to do with me. She tells me that I'm gorgeous and she lvoes my body etc quite a lot, but her actions don't seem to back that up (Maybe it's because I'm a man that I don't get it). When we talk about it she doesn't get angry or upset at me, but at herself more than anything.

6) Nothing has changed in our relationship to cause this as far as I know.

7) Yes definitely, we cuddle and kiss and just hug a lot without me trying for sex. In fact, after about a month had passed and we'd only had sex once I started trying more for it and she told me it felt like I was pressuring her into it, so I stopped trying or asking for sex at all, but we carried cuddling etc, and that didn't help.

Yeah I know it isn't a long time, but I plan to be with this girl for the rest of my life and love her pretty much unconditionally, but I would like to fix this problem in it's early stages. To be honest, the idea of being in a loving, monogamous relationship for the rest of my life but never having her want to have sex with me isn't healthy. I didn't start doing all these things when she stopped wanting sex, I have always done all the cooking and a lot of the chores and bought her occasional flower or treats.

[talaniman]

Maybe it's because I'm a man that I don't get it).

You will if you pay close attention and learn MORE about your partner, how she thinks, and what she thinks of. This isn't the time to fix, it's the time to observe so you know what and how to resolve issues together, through honest communications and after a year together the honeymoon is over and you MUST learn to talk and listen CLOSELY to each other.

More than likely she has a fear of her future that goes deeper than just being with you. A pregnancy scare will/should do that, just because it's a life changing event. I doubt she had a miscarriage, but maybe you both should be better educated and informed on the true facts of life and birth control is not 100% never has been so don't assume she can't get pregnant.

For you it's fun, and feels good but few women see it that way especially after a "scare" as the worry is a libido killer if she is not ready to be a parent just yet. Her upbringing definitely cannot be passed off as for sure she may not even know what a healthy adult relationship looks like, and it may be years before she does know, and longer to enjoy it.

If I were you, I would stop trying to fix your sex life, and focus on the mind of your partner at this time. You will have plenty of time to enjoy each others bodies after you have bonded mentally. As a guy its more important that you learn to get it, and what to GET, than just getting more of the body.

Hope that makes sense.

[Wobble123]

Thanks for your reply, I'm definitely aware that her upbringing still has effects on her and I try to help her with that as much as possible, I like to think I do a good job (Or at least she tells me that I help :D )

Thanks for everything, I will take all your advice :)