[questionsinfl]

I have been married for 7 months but have been with my husband for 7 years. We are both in our mid 20's and haven't been connecting much lately . I recently was working an event and connected with someone I was working with. We flirted, he showed me the attention that I had not had in months maybe even years and ended up kissing twice (no tongue).

Trying to keep it on a friendlier level, I texted this guy for the next few days back and forth trying my best not to lead him on because I want my marriage to work, even told him that. He was very vulgar in his text messages so I deleted them. Which I know was stupid because that makes me looks even worse, like I was hiding something, but I am not.

The guilt was eating me alive and my husband knows me very well and I could not keep it from him anymore. When I told him at first he wasn't angry or sad, but this morning he was very hurt and confused. I did my best to explain to him why the event happened and answer any question he may have about it. Basically it all came down to attention and loneliness. We have dealt with his kissing someone else years ago, so I know exactly what he is feeling and I feel so guilty and miserable about it because I was so hard on him when he kissed someone else.

He does not show or talk about what he is feeling so I am in this hell trying to figure out where our relationship and marriage is headed.

Can we get through this? This momentary lapse in judgement on my part, his hurt and confusion.

He has always refused to go to counseling with me, even before we got married and I want to go on my own but don't have health insurance.

[Jake2008]

What you are learning, is that there are no excuses good enough, to cover bad behavior. No matter how you've tried to justify the kissing, flirting, and texting, it's pretty clear that you were looking for more. Had the old fling carried on, you would have, more likely than not, ended up having an affair.

So, if you want help, start with the truth, and leave your husband out of the 'blame' game.

Be honest, and don't turn this around on him, and suggest that the two of you need counseling, because you strayed, and risked your marriage- on your own.

If the problems were seriously affecting your marriage before you mixed it up with the other man, that would have been the time to insist on counseling. Or at least a commitment for each of you to try harder, or talk more, or spend more time together, anything. Even emailing your concerns and thoughts to your husband would have been better than wanting the 'attention', as you said, of another man.

You just can't ignore what you have done. And you can't put the blame on anybody else, but squarely on your own shoulders..

If anything is going to save your behind, it will be honesty.

[joypulv]

He may fear that counseling is a blame game. It isn't. It teaches you to communicate with each other, and you may even be given exercises in communication, silly and stilted though they may sound.
When romance, attention, and compliments fade, some of all that needs to stay alive and some of it needs to evolve into a comfortable admiration for each other, sharing of stories and responsibilities, and respect.
You can do it yourselves if you want. Sit down and each make a list of needs and wants. Recriminations not allowed.

[questionsinfl]

I don't blame him at all for my mistake. It was my screw up and I have to live with it. I just wanted to know is there a positive light at the end of the dark tunnel. I want my marriage to work. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't. I came clean with him and he knows everything that went on. I am going to get the help that I need so that I can be a better wife. Hopefully he will see the positive effects that getting outside help can have and come with me for some sessions and maybe go on his own.

[joypulv]

Therapy and couples counseling are two very different techniques.
I wouldn't recommend that he go with you at some time to see your therapist. That automatically sets a tone of being a outsider, a newcomer. If he goes on his own, he should see someone else.
You just don't sound neurotic at all. Being a 'good wife' doesn't require therapy. If you can afford it, fine.
Couples counseling is also usually pretty short term. It's what I'd suggest if you can get him to go, and many counselors will give a free meeting to introduce themselves and their approach.

[FierceGirl24]

I think you both can absolutely get through this. And you should give yourself credit for having the courage of telling him promptly and being forward with it all. I tend to look at infidelity a little differently than most people, that being that if you're in a marriage and the obvious last resort is getting divorced (or that's not even an option), there's always a way to make things work. You need to communicate to your husband that your feelings lie with him, and not with this other man that you kissed. Ultimately, the cheating that I see as unforgivable is when someone establishes an emotional connection. Physical is just physical. It hurts but I would rather hear someone say that they slept with someone than that they didn't love me anymore. And that's an extreme. You don't have that issue. Considering he's done the same in the past, you have that experience to compare to. If you both are not able to talk it out amongst yourself, I highly encourage seeking couples' counseling to get your marriage back on track. You don't want this to turn into a bigger problem that it is. I wish you the best of luck.