[bad.luck]

Previosly I had one boyfriend when I was in college, our relation continues 4 yrs. I asked him several time weather he wanted to settle down with me or not, always he replied no, reason also he dn't wanted to tell. During our relation I asked several time about him from his different different friends, I got many negative comments about him... but still I continue my relationship with him. After completion of my college, I decided not to continue my relation, becoz I wanted to get settled in my life, with him it was difficult as I felt that time he was not so serious. But after I left college he tried to contact me severl time in several way. Delibarately I avoid him. That time it was a very bad phase for me.
After that I met my husband, we got married within 2 yrs of our relation. He is a very nice and caring person, he believe me a lot, love me a lot.
By this time we completed 5.5 yrs of our marriage.
But I never forget my previous boyfriend. Why I dn't know. I also love my husband, but somehow I never felt bonding like my previous boy friend. I used to take his news from my secrete email id, I used to see his updated from Facebook. But 2 yrs we were nt in touch. Then I heard some flood news, was litel worried about him. As since 2 yrs I didn't see any update in his FB also.
So before some day I mailed him to know how he is? he replied. From the first when I left him from that time I was feeling very guilt that I didn't explain him any thing and I left him... so this time I decided to clear everything to him. Otherwise I was feeling very suffocated.
So I mailed him from my secrete email id in different name. And ask him about his relation, then he started telling about me, date wise very small small thing, he spent with me, what I used to do, how I used to care for him without knowing who m I... I felt very bad that I misunderstood him and without knowing him properly I left him alone. Even I never expect that he will remember all my activities that to date wise. I became very emotional, I cried a lot.. but this moment nothing in my hand even if I wanted to go back to him I can't as I am married and my family is very supportive to me and my husband is a very good person.
So I decided to tell him the truth who am I... so told him everything that why I left him, what I heard, what I have seen, I was confused. What he showd me that time, I bound to believe that he was not serious about our relation.
But what I have seen now that for me till now he didn't get married. He is single till now. He is having all my memories, and he told he want to spend his life with those memories only.. and he want to see me once.
Now m feeling very very bad... n m crying if I could turn back my life again there where I left him alone.
M suffering a lot. As I cn't tell my husband all these.
Please advice at this moment, what I suppose to do... please..
Waiting for your response eargntly.m feeling helpless.one hand I dn't want to betray my husband and other hand my heart want to go to my previous boyfriend.

[joypulv]

You made some mistakes, and so did he.
You pressured him about the future while in college, much too early to be pressuring someone.
He was too vague about how he felt about you, and about waiting to see what his career would bring.
Now you really must force yourself to leave him alone! You wanted marriage and security and you got it, from a nice man, and are being foolish and selfish to think it's OK to look back on college memories as something 'better' than what you have. No one forgets a first love, and many of us have a special someone we loved a lot but lost. Let it go. Force yourself to stay busy, and get rid of secret email accounts.

If you don't, you could end up with nothing and no one.

[bad.luck]

Thank you very very much for your response.. you are right.. I should stick to my present...

[bad.luck]

I never pressurize him about the future... he was 3 yrs senior than me. When I was in 2nd yr he already passed and started working. Still he never told me anything abot the settlement of our future once... that hurts me too much that time...
But yes.. you are right if I dn't force myself, I could end up with nothing... thans thank you very much for your response...

[joypulv]

'I asked him several time weather he wanted to settle down with me or not, always he replied no, reason also he dn't wanted to tell.'

Just asking was pressure.

Most of us have regrets about people we let go. Don't look back.

I'm pretty sure he's not pining away as much as he is making you think (or you are thinking on your own). If he had wanted to settle down with you, he would have made it more clear. If he wanted to settle down in general, he would have found someone by now. I suspect this is all just part of an inability on his part to know what he wants. Many people want only what they can't have. That way the perfection they want can never be a disappointment.