[Daisygirlss]

Myself and this man were friends for 3 years. He then confessed his feelings for me a year ago and actively pursued me (I was afraid to spoil the friendship first). We dated over the last 6 months. I am 25, he is 28. During this time his father passed away suddenly. My mother passed away last year so our relationship, although short, became quite emotionally intense because we talked a lot about our grieving experiences.

When his father died (3 months ago), he moved back to his hometown to help his mother because he can work from home. This meant that our dating became long distance - he needs to prioritize his family at the moment, which I completely understand. I of course wanted to see him but I didn't want to be needy in this difficult time for him so we kept talking everyday but I didn't push him to make plans to visit me and didn't want to put pressure on him to let me visit. He was acting a little distant during this time but I assumed it was because he was grieving the loss of his father.

Then 2 weeks ago he called and broke up with me out of the blue. Said he can't handle long distance without an end goal which we don't have because he needs to look after his mum and may not be able to move back to our city any time soon. I said that I'd prefer to keep trying the long distance and that I would consider moving to him in the short term if it became too hard in a few months. But he said that he can only date someone that he can see everyday. He also said that I should demand more from a partner (see me more, pay me more attention) and he thought I was losing interest because I was not asking for more attention from him. He was very cold and detached during this conversation and made out like he didn't care about me at all.

I have been incredibly upset that he ended it and feel like it's due to miscommunication, not incompatibility. He has since contacted me to apologise and says he has a lot to say to me but doesn't want to speak yet. Says he wants to talk about it more openly in a few weeks when he has processed it. I'm not sure if he needs this time because he doesn't know how he feels about us or because he is still very down about his father.

I still really care about him, miss him and feel incredibly emotionally close to him but I am also very hurt that he didn't consider my feelings or appreciate how much I cared about him. He acted on the phone as if he had no feelings or warmth towards me. On the other hand, I know that grief is very unsettling and he is going through a stressful time at the moment.

So my question is - I assume that I should leave him be and not hope for us to get back together right? Particularly because on the call he made it clear that he does not want to date me. However, could his grief explain his sudden change of heart?

Thanks so much for your help!

[Homegirl 50]

The death of a parent is very stressful. He has also moved back home to help his mom. These things can be a factor. What it could also be is that time away has shown him he was not as attached as he thought he was. He knows he is going to be there indefinitely and he wants the option to date if the situation presents itself.
I'd leave him be. The next move if there will be one is his.

[joypulv]

You should demand more? How unfair. You must be a mixture of grief over losing him and being angry and hurt that he didn't understand why you acted the way you did. I hope you managed to tell him why. If not, I would write him a letter, and spend days working on it. You obviously express yourself well, so there might be some hope. But I would also not tiptoe around the fact that HE didn't exactly 'demand more' from you either! Unfair.

[Cat1864]

I would leave him alone. It may be grief. It may be being back in his home town with all the memories. It may be he doesn't know how to handle long distance relationships. But right now he has made his needs fairly clear.

I will say that his putting all of the responsibility for asking for more on you to be a red flag and perhaps guilty conscience. It wouldn't be the first time that someone in a vulnerable state of emotional upheaval went back to their hometown and became involved with someone from their past or someone who is 'there' for them. Perhaps not to the point of physically cheating on their current partner but becoming emotionally entangled and confused.

Let him go and move forward with your own life. If he contacts you in the future you can make decisions then based on where you are with your life.