[jademamba]

My wife and I are both in our 30's with two kids in a strained marriage. As a straight man growing up, I always envisioned marriage with my soul mate like this... wife by my side, going on romantic getaways, strolling on the beach hand in hand, sipping wine in front of a fire. I am the romantic, touchy feely one. My wife is the opposite... it seems she could care less about romance. Over the years it seems she likes the idea of being married, having kids, and having a domestic life... she just doesn't care too much about having the actual husband part (my take only). I do not think she respects me as a person... she often completely ignores my texts and emails, hardly ever confides in me, spends lots of time on Facebook and talking to her friends, and whenever I suggest we go out to lunch or dinner on a husband-wife date, she declines, yet she often goes out of her way to find activities for herself that leave me out of the picture (book club, volunteering, women's gym).

We have talked many times about our lack of "togetherness". She tells me she is just naturally independent and when we go out, I stress her out. I have given her freedom over the years (as I think a husband should... I am not smothering whatsoever)... that has included letting her go many times Seattle to see her gay guy friend for days at a time. They became friends during high school and they are still very close, so I determined it was important they still hang out, especially since it is important to my wife. I met the guy several times and do believe he is gay, but the fact she stays at his place is still unnerving (p.s. We live in Arizona). It turns out just the other day I discovered they were both planning a trip together to the Caribbean. My wife said she wanted to visit with him again but I had no idea they were planning a "romantic" type vacation together.

I am typically not a jealous guy, and I do believe the guy is gay, but I am feeling supremely cheated since I can't get a simple lunch date, yet she is openly planning to go with him to the Caribbean. I told her I was upset but she pulled the "I'm keeping her from her best friend card." My mind also started racing... what am I going to tell my kids and parents? That mom/my wife is spending a week in the Caribbean with another man? The question is... do I have a right to be upset?

PS.. Another kick to the gut is the gay guy doesn't have much money, so my wife will probably be picking up most of the tab. I don't want to be a door mat, but I also want her to be with me because she wants to, not because I'm making her feel guilty about seeing her friend.

[Jake2008]

Your needs are not being met. Does it really matter whether she's planning a nice vacation with a straight or gay person? It's still a vacation that should be taken with you.

It sounds like she takes what she likes, and puts her needs and wants first, and I don't see where you are involved at all. She has her home, kids, husband, activities, etc. kind of like she's ticking off a 'to do' list.

If it were me, I would be very hurt by this latest twist- the vacation. You'll be stuck behind running the house on top of everything else, and taking care of kids, and no doubt your family will comment. I know I'd have something to say.

She should have been going with you AND the kids... just another thought.

Maybe time to step up and make some changes. I would begin by arranging a 'venue' where you will be heard, and listened to. That might be counseling, which could be very helpful. She should be able to skip a few outside activities and attend at least six sessions.

I don't know what else to say except what you say describes a marriage that is totally off balance, and has put you in a really difficult spot. But by not pushing the envelope a bit here, things will remain as they are.

[dontknownuthin]

I agree with the above post. She seems disinterested in your needs, which aren't being met. Independence is one thing, callous neglect of the marriage something else entirely. And financially... she's dissipating family resources for a pretty selfish adventure.

Are you confident she is going with the gay friend, or could he be a cover story? Any chance she is gay herself? Could they be going to a gay resort, etc. as each other's "wing men"?

I would investigate this situation a bit if I were you. I'm a little jaded... work for a divorce law firm... but I'd consider hiring a PI to see what's going on.

[odinn7]

I agree with both of the above....she is not into this marriage as much as you are or as much as she should be. I would also be doubting her at this point.

Now...as a side...if this was me, I'd plan a trip of my own without including her. Sounds like you could use a break anyway. See how she enjoys being left behind.

[Fr_Chuck]

To me it is simple, if she goes, I would not be there when she came back, you and kids would be gone. She should know it.

Next serious counseling, since couples do some things together. Even independent ones

[Cat1864]

How long have you been married and how old are the children? How is she as a mother? Does she spend time with the children or are they and the activities related to them a status symbol for her like marriage appears to be?

How was the relationship while you were dating? Was she like this before you married and in the early days of the marriage? Did something change or did you think marriage would change her into your ideal partner?

Counseling would probably be a good step. Consulting a lawyer may be an option to pursue. You need to know you rights and responsibilities if you do decide you have had enough.

If she is in charge of any bill paying, I would be checking to make certain they have been paid and the status of any jointly held accounts and any accounts in your name that she has access to. She may not have had thoughts of leaving before now, but if you stand up for yourself she may be developing an exit plan.

Do not make any threats or ultimatums you aren't ready to carry out.

Before you discovered where 'they' were going, did you think she was going to his home city again? That doesn't sound like she was being very open.

While he may be gay and interested in only being her friend, I am wondering if he is the only reason for her trips. Is she using him as a cover for other activities?

[joypulv]

It's one thing to keep seeing an old friend; it's another to do this, AND to keep the plans hidden.
You start out saying your marriage is strained. It isn't clear to me if the strain is just from this or from all of it, or if you two fight about anything.
I'd be gearing up for an ultimatum - not go, and get counseling, or divorce. And the counseling needs to include parameters for her relationship with the gay friend. The counseling also might include you realizing that the romantic times with your wife just aren't going to happen, and you need to expand your circle of friends too. Time for you to go on a vacation with the guys.

[dontknownuthin]

The only reason I could see that your wife might have this callous attitude about you being part of this friendship would be if you are generally unaccepting of her retaining a gay friend. If you are accepting of the guy and of her being friends with him though, she (and he) should be including you in the friendship. It would be one thing if you said, "I really don't want to go but you should go...you deserve a break", but this sounds like you're ok with her having the friend but are shut out from the friendship and weren't even invited on the trip. Is that a correct impression?

[talaniman]

I have gone on many hunting a fishing trips with friends who were not always family friends, but the wife ALWAYS knows about these trips far in advance. Full timely disclosure is an agreed upon rule in my marriage. You don't seem to have agreed upon rules, or listened to when you want at least equal treatment. You should be treated better than any friend she has or find herself alone.

When you allow bad disrespectful behavior, you are sure to get it, and I think you have allowed her to treat you just any way she feels like it for a long time. Disrespectful, and independent are two different things, but maybe at the heart of the issue here is she SAYS you stress her out when on your "dates".

What's that about? I don't know but could you be a lousy listener as well?