[shri82]

I am a Hindu from India living in USA. I did arrange marriage when I was 28 year old and never dated or had sex before.We are married for 8 years and we have 3 year old daughter. My wife spent 2 years completing her post graduation and we had daughter after 5 years of marriage.

According to my wife sex life is there only for first 2 years of marriage. I don't agree with that. I think this her attitude is coming from Indian values which I never heard. She thinks we should have sex only once in month. I don't agree with this either but I don't have any options. She never talks about this nor does give any explanation. If I push more results in fight so I have stopped asking her. All the time she says she is tired. I do help her in most of work but she likes if I do all of it.
Yesterday we had decided to have sex and I got all food ordered from outside but she slept at 9PM saying she is tired. I was trying to get our daughter sleep before 9PM but she stays awake till 10PM. My wife is early morning person and like to go work early. She doesn't have to go work early and she could have gone little late today.

My problem is how to ask for sex ? when I am in mood she is not. I don't know when she is in mood since she never ask or talk about it.

When I get rejected I feel very bad and this is going on for long time. I read lot of forums and saw similar problems and thought this is problem with two persons mismatch. I wish I was in her place with no desire to have sex. I tried to work on that but I think God has made something wrong in me which I am not able to get out of.

I tried marriage consular and explained my problem. She did not say she has any problem nor she spoke anything with her.

Now I feel this is just my problem and I should give up sex somehow and not sure how. Sometimes I feel I should injure my personal organ but my other mind says this is all in my head and has to flush out from there.

May be I did not stated my problem correctly but this is what going on in my mind. I am trying to find what is my problem ?
1. Is it my sex drive ?
2. Does my wife don't want to have sex ?
3. What is expected from couples ? is there agreement and what happens if there is disagreement on something ? is other person has to suffer.

I want to see consular but we have got mixed Indian and American values in us and not sure how to get anything out from him.

[Wondergirl]

Go to another counselor. After talking with you for a few times, the counselor will probably invite your wife to come in for a session or two (or more, if she is willing).

No, this is not how a marriage is supposed to be. Your wife does not want any more children, so she avoids sex for that reason? How do the two of you get along otherwise? -- or it is mostly work for both of you and she goes to bed early? Do you go out for dinner or to a movie or visit friends?

[joypulv]

Sounds like you had a terrible marriage counselor. There are good ones. They don't take sides; they teach you how to communicate and compromise.
Marriage is negotiation and compromise.
Marriage is not about turning off sex after 2 years, not anywhere in the world I know of. Men joke all the time, of course, but most married sex polls seem to average around once a week after some years and children, especially with both working and having tons to do. Many men grumble that they would be thrilled with once a week. Obviously the range is quite wide, from zero to more than once a day.
You need to let her know that compromising on sex is an important part of any couple's relationship, not some sordid and unusual need. She needs to know that if she doesn't work on it with you, however you agree, then there will be some consequence. And you need to be prepared to say what that will be.

[shri82]

Yes, we enjoy lot of family time. We go out, watch movies, and talk lot of other things. Talking about sex to me is taboo for my wife and talking with someone else I can't think of. We want to have more children but from my understanding she thinks sex is only meant for making babies. Every time when I think about it, it feels as if I am the only one who needs it. She does enjoy during sex but don't know why she doesn't feel she should enjoy it again.

Since she doesn't take initiative, I take it but then when she rejects it most of time I feel very bad.

Now we have 3 year old and most of our times goes around her and I do understand that. But her excuse was there before she was born so now I think she uses daughter as excuse. She say's she is tired but if there is some social meeting or party to attend she is ready to go. I feel like somebody should tell her that sex is important part of marriage but have not found a way for it.

[joypulv]

It's hard for most of us on this site to understand the taboo. And we hear from plenty of men and women all over the world about problems with spouses in regard to sex, but it is extremely rare for them to be unwilling to talk to each other.
I tried to give you a way to tell her that she must work on this with you, or risk losing you.
If losing you is not going to happen, and you won't convince her that she is being uncompromising, then you have to accept your marriage as it is.
'I feel like somebody should tell her that sex is important part of marriage.. ' -- yes, that's what we have been telling you. But that person is you. Unless her mother or sisters will talk to her, but that means you have to bring it up. Or there is a Hindu counselor near you, a woman perhaps? Look into that.