[turtledove1085]

I need some advice on this. I was in a relationship with a man l loved dearly, but after much consideration and circumstances, l decided to end it and move home. We kept in touch for a while, as we were great friends but stopped talking once he got married. He started dating this woman right after me and she got pregnant before they married. I was crushed because l really did care for him, and hoped deep down he only married her for the baby and would one day realize it and come back to me.

Well, its been a few years and we are back in contact now. His wife had an affair and he said he could trust me. We have been talking for the past few months and he tells me there is no working things out with her. That they separated and he filed for divorce. Here is what l am worrying over. She has called and texted me numerous times over the past few months telling me to leave her family alone and that she and their 3 year old son need him more than l ever will. And that he doesn't love me, he's still with her, they aren't divorced, etc. I have told her l wouldn't contact him but he continues to tell me its over and he doesn't love her and that he misses me and loves me, etc.

What advice does anyone have here? Has my soul mate come back to me? Should l leave him alone before his wife continues to harass me? Should l just trust him and go for it? Am l being a homewrecker for carrying on with a married man? Or separated or whatever the situation is? Also, we live in different states now but l am planning on moving back to his. Any good advice??

[Wondergirl]

He could be lying to you. Are you moving back to his state to be near him?

[J_9]

Harshness Warning!!!

He told you one thing, his wife told you another. Who do you think you should really believe? His wife of course. Did she have an affair? That's none of your business. The fact is that he is married with a child. He is off limits to you.

By keeping in touch with him not only are you ruining the marriage that his wife has with him (I bet he's lying to you) and you will eventually ruin the life of his child. That child will grow up to feel abandoned and unloved.

Yes, you are a home wrecker if you continue to keep in contact with him and, in the end, his marriage dissolves because of you. If he will cheat on his wife, don't believe for a second that he won't cheat on you.

[Fr_Chuck]

You break off all contact with him, only once he is completely divorced, and living on his own.

The most common lie is "I am divorcing" and it takes 20 years

[Sinquisitive]

Well, it's really difficult for you to know what is really going on in this situation, and you could be stepping in between a man and his wife, so what I would suggest is telling him that you're sorry he's having problems, but you're uncomfortable talking to him while he's still married, and to contact you when the divorce is finalized.

Honestly, in most of these situations, the "divorce" never happens, and you DON'T want to be that girl that gets stuck in between promises and lies, and someone's family.

However, if he DOES get a divorce, then he can contact you and you won't have to worry about getting in anyone's way or about who's telling the truth. In between then and now, though? Let him deal with his own situation. He's a big boy and got himself into this mess, and it's his job to get himself out without throwing his dirty laundry in your face.

[turtledove1085]

I doubt he is lying to me. His wife has tried to contact me numerous times telling me to stay out of it so they can work through everything, because when he talks to me he doesn't focus on their family. He has told me he never stopped loving me. I feel like this is our "Notebook" love story. We separated but never fell out of love and now God has brought us back together. His wife had an affair so it is her fault things are the way they are now. He is coming to see me in a month and yes lm considering moving back so we can finally be together. We are 10 hrs apart right now but talk, text, everyday. He tells me how much he loves me and he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with me. If he was not getting divorced why is his wife trying so hard to keep me away? Also, how would he be able to text me all the time and plan a trip to come see me? I believe he wants me and his wife is just trying to hold on because she knows she is losing a good thing. I lost him once before, l won't do it again.

[Jake2008]

This guy is no prize.

He does a good job of telling you that his marriage isn't working out. He paints a picture of himself being a victim, and likely doesn't seem too interested in how this will harm his child in the long run, as J-9 has said. In other words, his wife isn't his priority, nor is his child, or his marriage.

That his wife contacted you, shouldn't have happened in the first place. She must have found some evidence of simmering feelings between you and her husband, that never should have happened.

Think of the character of a man who would step outside his marriage in such a selfish way, and start down a road of what will surely be destruction. Destruction of his marriage, and his family.

And yes, because you are giving him an 'out', he is going to give you all the misinformation and one sided opinions of the status of his life, with him being the victim or course.

He is married, and off limits. Don't let this go any further than it already has, and find a man who isn't married. Don't allow yourself to be drawn into being the woman who bought a bunch of bull**** from a married man, thinking he is somehow available because he paints such a miserable picture of his marriage.

You may wonder if your soul mate has come back to you, and it could be a very powerful force causing you to think that he is 'the one', but he is only a man who is willing to cheat, and tell you anything you want to hear, in order to make that happen.

[turtledove1085]

She cheated on him first! Now he wants out. He realized he never loved her and has always wanted me, and that l feel the same way. And yes he has a child but the child will only suffer if they stay together and he becomes more miserable. He will be happy with me and will be better at parenting when he isn't angry all the time. He seems so down and angry when he doesn't get to talk to me for a while but l can't just leave it alone. He is my soul mate. We never should have broken up and he never should have married her. He doesn't consider himself married anymore so he is not cheating. Also, his love for me is still strong after years apart and l know he would never cheat on or lie to me. I believe in fate and he is mine. His wife is just jealous and angry because she cheated on a wonderful man, and now realizes it, and is trying everything to trap him. She is crazy. Has even talked about suicide if he leaves her and their son. And obviously she is crazy to contact me- who does that? He loves me and wants me. Why can't she just accept its over and move on?

[Wondergirl]

Has she mentioned to you that she cheated on him? Or is that his claim?

[talaniman]

You dumped him before now 10 years later he wants back. Why did you leave your soul mate 10 years ago?

Why can't you wait until he handles his business properly if he is so serious about you, and not just lying through his teeth for your sympathy. His words, and actions don't match and stepping in the middle of his mess is foolish.

And do you really believe his wife/baby mama will just let you waltz in and take over? That's very foolish of you. This whole thing is foolish to me. Sweet words you want to hear don't replace common sense, and you are begging for trouble.

[turtledove1085]

Both have told me cheated. She is more O well we've moved on and are trying to work on the future whereas he is more l don't care and doesn't even want to be in the same room with her. He needs me now. I left 5 years ago because l was trying to let him see life without me if he didn't change, kind of tough love. But it was a mistake l handled all wrong and now l have the chance to make it right

[talaniman]

Look, if you think this is your big chance to have what you want, what do you want from strangers? Your mind is made up, and NO one thinks it's a good idea. Now what?

[smearcase]

" We separated but never fell out of love and now God has brought us back together. "

Really? God endorsing adultery? You are grasping at straws to justify the situation you hope comes about. Wait until the divorce is finalized.

[talaniman]

What of his child? The house, custody, child support, and the rest? Until all that's settled, he maybe pissed, hurt, and separated, but still married. Bet there is no legal separation either.

And his family her included will be in YOUR life until the child grows up, and that means all the baby mama drama that comes with it.

[Wondergirl]

I left 5 years ago bc l was trying to let him see life without me if he didnt change, kind of tough love.

Change from behaving how?

[Cat1864]

She cheated on him first! Now he wants out. He realized he never loved her and has always wanted me, and that l feel the same way. And yes he has a child but the child will only suffer if they stay together and he becomes more miserable. He will be happy with me and will be better at parenting when he isnt angry all the time. He seems so down and angry when he doesnt get to talk to me for a while but l can't just leave it alone. He is my soul mate. We never should have broken up and he never should have married her. He doesnt consider himself married anymore so he is not cheating. Also, his love for me is stil strong after years apart and l know he would never cheat on or lie to me. I believe in fate and he is mine. His wife is just jealous and angry bc she cheated on a wonderful man, and now realizes it, and is trying everything to trap him. She is crazy. Has even talked about suicide if he leaves her and their son. And obviously she is crazy to contact me- who does that? He loves me and wants me. Why can't she just accept its over and move on?

I am sorry but you wouldn't be here asking for opinions if you weren't concerned about what he has said. You would be welcoming him with open arms and handing out all the tea and sympathy you can give if you really trusted him.

You are now getting defensive because people are telling you what your own morals are shouting out loud in your brain. It is easier to scream at us that he is a good and mistreated man than it is to tell yourself something that feels like a lie.

He is still married until the divorce is finalized. (Many cheaters consider themselves 'unmarried' while they are still having sex and living with their spouses.) Even after the divorce he will still have to work with her to raise their child. Or is he planning on dumping his child too? Or better yet, is he now telling you the child isn't his?

How long have they been legally separated? How long has he been in contact with you? I wouldn't believe either of them. Each of them have reasons to stretch the truth. She may be trying to keep her family together. He is trying to jump from one relationship from the past who will take him back and he won't have to be alone and work through the emotional mess caused by his marriage.

He may trust you now, but wait a month or a year. Start talking about a male friend or colleague and see how much trust is there. Go out with your friends for some 'me' time and get ready to answer the same questions a thousand times. He is using you as a crutch so he doesn't have to deal with himself. If he isn't using you, then who else is he seeing/having sex with?

If you really want to try again with him, break off contact until he is divorced and his custody agreement is worked out. Give him time to let go of the hurt and anger. Start over from the beginning. Do not make plans for the future based on the past feelings and relationship. You are different people than you were back then. Get to know the people you are today. You do not want 'soul mate' to turn out to be 'rebound'.

Stop living in a fantasy world. Pay attention to reality. Do not allow yourself to become part of a cycle of cheating. It doesn't matter if she did it first. It is still wrong if he steps over the boundary line.

[Jake2008]

Your original question here was, "Why is loving a married man so hard"...

Well, I think you have your answers, you choose not to agree, but justify staying in his life.

I don't know why you came here for advice. You know it's wrong to have anything to do with a married man. If YOU were the wife, you would agree if he were chatting up his ex girlfriend...

I know I wouldn't want you around my husband either, or anybody else I know who's married.

"He doesnt consider himself married anymore so he is not cheating"

Wow! Really? No comment from me except to say you either just don't get it, or you don't want to get it, and I'm leaning toward the latter.

Good luck to you, but I wish his wife more luck in divorce/alimony/support court.