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cosmomama · Sep 13, 2013, 07:29 PM

My ex and I have 2 boys. We established a parenting plan. My ex then moved out of state and after 2 1/2 yrs. He now moved back and is expecting me to follow the parenting plan where he has them on weekends. How do I go about this? Isn't that considered abandonment? How does the fact that he moved back play a role in this?

talaniman · Sep 13, 2013, 09:05 PM

Like most verbal agreements its subject to change, and has. So you have as much right to change the agreement as he does/did. The only agreements that count for child support, custody, visitation are found in a court of law by order of the judge.

He may have been gone for whatever reason for more than 2 years, butt was he supporting them? Did he stay in touch regularly? Why did he leave? Why did he come back? Was there a divorce? If so what did it say? Got anything in writing?

Regardless time for a new agreement through the court, that's the only binding agreement. He can expect all he wants. He already broke the original one.

cosmomama · Sep 13, 2013, 11:11 PM

We have a court signed parenting plan and child support. My ex moved out of state with no notice to the courts. He did not pay child support for 3 yrs. He just started. He moved to go work in North Dakota. Got a job working under the table. He did make minimal attempts to contact the kids. He did not follow the parenting plan.

AK lawyer · Sep 14, 2013, 05:02 AM

If it's court-approved and the court has ordered that it be followed, yes, you have to abide by it until it is changed. He is entitled to the visitation set forth. Whether he has paid child support doesn't affect this. In what state are you?

ScottGem · Sep 14, 2013, 05:27 AM

Support and visitation are generally treated separately. But, as AK noted, as long as there is a court approved plan in place you have to abide by it, until the courts change it.

What you need to do is go back to court and ask that the agreement be modified and that he be required to pay the support arrears he owes.

But in the meantime, you have to abide by the court order.

talaniman · Sep 14, 2013, 06:30 AM

If he violated the order 3 years ago, why did you not report the violations then, even the lack of child support? However its not too late, but you are bound by a court ordered agreement at this time.

I don't know what minimal child support is, but he seems to be in arrears in his payments and that needs addressing as well.

cosmomama · Sep 14, 2013, 01:32 PM

I'm not too concerned about the child support. I have gone 3 yrs with out it and he is now making an effort to catch up. My concern and confusion is really in the parenting plan. Since he moved away with minimal notice and did not abide by the plan for the extended amount of time, do I really have to let him just decide he wants to abide by it now??

Another concern with this is that since he moved back he is living with his brothers family which already has 3 children in it. There is no extra beds for our boys to even sleep in. doesn't he have to have adequate sleep areas for them? The plan says he gets them every weekend, so that is 2 nights they will be sleeping on a floor...

cdad · Sep 14, 2013, 01:35 PM

Originally Posted by cosmomama

im not too conserned about the child support. i have gone 3 yrs with out it and he is now making an effort to catch up. my concern and confusion is really in the parenting plan. since he moved away with minimal notice and did not abide by the plan for the extended amount of time, do i really have to let him just decide he wants to abide by it now???

You can go back to court and let a judge decide. But for now so your not held in contempt your going to need to follow the current plan as it is written and approved by the courts.

ScottGem · Sep 14, 2013, 02:08 PM

Ok lets make this clear. A visitation plan is not totally binding on the non custodial parent. You can't force a parent to be a parent. The NCP has to abide by the plan in terms of when they can see the children, but not IF they see the children.

So his decision to move out of the area and not keep in contact does NOT negate the plan. If you refuse to hold up your end of the plan, you can be held in contempt of court. So your only option is to adhere to the plan until you can get it changed. You can file for an emergency hearing to suspend the plan until the court can review whether to modify it. But you can't just decide not to uphold your end because he didn't.

talaniman · Sep 14, 2013, 02:45 PM

How old are these boys that cannot sleep on the floor camp style for two nights a week with their cousins?

cosmomama · Sep 14, 2013, 03:09 PM

That seems really unfair and unhealthy for the kids. The fact that he can come and go into there lives as he wishes.. The boys are 6 and 8. So before everyone assumes I'm one of those controlling mothers that wants to take the kids away from their father let me give you more detail... the father had a long history of drug abuse and a jail record of it. He is currently still on weed. He has put the kids in unsafe situations with drugged out girlfriends of his.

He moved to North Dakota to try and get a job. He did get a job but he was paid under the table to avoid paying child support. He only came back when a big"party" was going on her such as hoopfest, and our towns foundersday. He has been back since June. He would ask to see the boys and I never denied him, however his idea of a visit was only 5 min then he would leave. Now he just paid his first child support payment because they found him and are garnishing him for payment. It has been 3 months of him being home and now he wants to follow the parenting plan.

He does not have a place of his own. He moved in with his brother up the street from us and still only visited them a hand full of times. Im just confused as to what my rights are as the sole provider. I am only trying to protect my boys from the emotional issues that he has already put them through. I do not want to take the boys away from their father but I want to be able to say yes or no in certain situations.

ScottGem · Sep 14, 2013, 04:13 PM

You misunderstand us. We do understand and sympathize with your position. We don't think you are being a controlling parent. But this is not about what is fair, but about what is legal. You missed the boat here. Once he had been gone for a few months, you should have filed for a change in the parenting plan so he would be forced to go to court to get back to the original plan. But you didn't do that so that plan remains in effect until a court changes it.

If you go to court to have it changed, you will probably be granted the change. But until you do that order remains in effect.

You can roll the dice and refuse to follow the order and take your chances on explaining yourself in court. But that could backfire.

We aren't siding with him, nor do we think he deserves the original order. But we have to give you the answer according to the law, not what we would like it to be. So can we assume that Monday morning you will be in court asking about an emergency order?

cosmomama · Sep 14, 2013, 04:17 PM

I have downloaded the paperwork for the parenting plan modification. But yes I will be there to ask for an emergency order. Is it best to get the emergency order first or to just submit the modification?

ScottGem · Sep 14, 2013, 04:26 PM

I would do both. The emergency order will just suspend the parenting plan until a full hearing can be held.

Good luck and keep us posted.

talaniman · Sep 14, 2013, 04:28 PM

Thank you for a clearer picture and forgive me for plying you with questions because it's very important to separate the legal issues between the adults, and the everyday lives of the kids. Just want to point out even if he were a better parent, I am sure you wouldn't deny your kids time with their cousins, aunt, and uncle AND dad two nights a week, or demand they have their own beds. That can really come later and is a non issue for now.

I agree with your other concerns and at the risk of sounding harsh, leave them to there time together, and take some time for yourselves when the boys are with the father. I would feel very different if he had his own place. I really hope he gets it together and does better, and maybe he can try harder, but for now I can only wish you luck, and suggest air beds.

I mean do the boys complain about bunking on the floor while visiting with your exes family?