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Butterfly01 · Sep 11, 2013, 07:29 AM

I have been with my partner for 11 years and her ex has never been a problem however recently found out he is returning to the uk. The will be situations were they will be in proximity such as weddings etc but as he used to rape her I am finding it incredible difficult to deal with, the thought of her being anywhere near him. I just want to run a mile. Please help

Oliver2011 · Sep 11, 2013, 07:39 AM

Running a mile is not a bad thing ever (unless your doctor would say no). It clears the head and relieves stress.

This is not about you. Well maybe it is a little about you but not a lot about you. Be there for her and what she has to go through. You all have been together 11 years and since there was nothing negative in your post about her I assume that your relationship is lasting because you two have good communication. So talk about how you both are going to deal with this. Talk about what you will be feeling when you first see him. And just because there is a wedding doesn't mean you two have to attend.

Butterfly01 · Sep 11, 2013, 07:46 AM

Thank you for your comment. I totally appreciate it isn't just about me and we have discussed out feelings, she has promised that she is not at all bothered. I suppose it is my protectiveness making me feel angry and upset. The wedding planned in the future is their sons so obviously will need to attend. I suppose as the news is still quite fresh I haven't had time to accept the situation or learnt yet how to deal with it. I suppose I just wanted a third party opinion as I don't like discussing our relationship with friends family etc.

laurajanjennyjo · Sep 11, 2013, 07:47 AM

Hi, well that is awful that he used to do that, he should be in prison. I understand it is difficult to go through the court process and even get a conviction if you do, so I can only assume that is why he wasn’t locked up in the first place. My first question would be is there a way he can be brought to task by the law for what he has done? It would be the best outcome all round if he was locked up wouldn’t it?

Moving on, they will have to be in proximity? I’m not sure that is true. If she was actually raped by this person then I would say the best bet is to not go to any event he is going to be at, this includes weddings. Maybe she doesn’t want to tell her friends about this, but if he is coming back to the UK and possibly going to be messing things up by attending the same weddings as her, things have changed. Perhaps she could come clean to anyone who invites both her and him and tell them that he raped her, the appropriate response to that would be for the friend to believe her and no longer be friends with her ex. If this isn’t the case then this opens a whole new can of worms!

When it comes to disappointing friends it is a choice between just not going and not giving a reason and looking bad, and telling them why you aren’t going and letting him face those consequences. But I don’t think going to a wedding which your rapist is going to be at is an option at all.

I can understand why you don’t want her anywhere near him, I’m sure she doesn’t want her anywhere near him. My advice is to keep her away from this unconvicted sex offender at all costs. Apart from that, what other advice were you looking for?

Butterfly01 · Sep 11, 2013, 07:51 AM

This is where it is complex, they were married and share children who are now grown up, I don't think she sees the rape as a big deal as it was going on in the marriage but I just see it as rape. We have different points of view on it.

laurajanjennyjo · Sep 11, 2013, 08:12 AM

Right, so it's their children. And what, she doesn't want to tell her children what their father did? That is her choice. I would want to know that about my father, personally. I would be very upset to think of my mum going through that and never telling me, and letting me believe that my dad was okay when he wasn't. Talk about it with her but I know that is a very personal thing.

I see, so it was less of a violent attack perhaps and more of a systematic "you're mine and I can do what I want with you" kind of thing. That's manipulation and abuse. Well yes that is complicated. You have different views, I agree with you, rape is rape, but if she doesn't see it as that bad then I can see why she would rather leave the whole thing and just go to the wedding etc.

With you being worried about her being in the same place as him; why is that? Because I don't think it sounds as if he will be doing this again, so that risk isn't there. Is it just that you feel like he has got away with everything and could be sort of gloating or silently exerting power over her? I can see how that would affect you, but perhaps the best bet is to put that aside and just try to get through that event and then forget about ever seeing him.

I hope there aren't many more events she has to attend with him, you did say "weddingS" - I stand by what I said about minimising contact with him. Fair enough she wants to be at her son's wedding and isn't going to tell them what he did. But after that event surely she can see her son's when he won't be there.

Oliver2011 · Sep 11, 2013, 09:18 AM

I think you two should just accept the fact that he is an ASSSSSS and leave him at that. Then limit the time you spend with the ASSSSSS. If family get togethers make you both uncomfortable, don't do them. We all have asses in our life and we all limit the time we spend with those people. I am sure she appreciates your protective nature.

Butterfly01 · Sep 11, 2013, 09:20 AM

Thank you for your advice. I guess I will have to try and stay calm and focus on what we have, anything else would be like him 'winning' if you know what I mean

talaniman · Sep 11, 2013, 02:10 PM

Follow her lead and be behind her 100%. What good does it do to dwell on something she has overcome? Makes more of a mess and harder for you to deal with it. Be cool and control your own feelings.