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airkatmama4 · Sep 5, 2013, 04:38 AM

My son is 18. He’s in his 3rd year in the 10th grade. He lies to me, and he has stolen money, bikes, and other things from everyone in the house. He continues to bring home random bikes, iPods, and things I know that are not his to have.

He moved out with his friend’s family, only to be kicked out a month later because he was supposed to pay something for rent. He ended up stealing from this family too. I have 3 other kids younger than him. I can’t relax when he is home, I have to hide my purse because I think he will try and use my credit card (I found a random bank card in his pocket once) so I know that the thought has occurred to him before. He is messy, does nothing in the house unless I yell at him. He has ADHD and he seems to struggle with academics. I’ve always known this. But up until high school the teachers never contacted me with any concerns so I thought everything was OK. I mean he kept passing to the next grade.

I am very frustrated and I am at the point where I’m starting to not like my own son! The only thing that I have not tried is tough love. I think this 18 year old needs a hard dose of reality to teach him that life isn’t so easy

Fr_Chuck · Sep 5, 2013, 04:41 AM

The messy part is most likely any 18 year old.

So yes, make rules, require he live by them, or get out. Make the rules clear and simple.

smoothy · Sep 5, 2013, 04:46 AM

At 18 he is legally an adult... and can be put out... ( I don't see anywhere that he is mentally handicaped).

At 18 your legal requirement to house, feed and support him ends... and anything extended past that time in at your good grace and dependent on his following your house rules to the letter.

To get him ou however you will have to go through the eviction process according to the State you reside. THe means giving him written notice... (the time needed varies from 60 days in California to 2 weeks in Florida... and is 30 days most other places). If he refuses to leave aft that time has passed... you have to file through the court to have the eviction enforced... when you win you can get the Sherrifs office to put him and his stuff at the street... and you can then change the locks.

Perhaps this is what it will take... and in any case... if he intends to do things his way... he can do it from his own place he pays for out of his own pocket... its legally your house , not his and nobody should live in fear inside their own house.

I think he is going to find himself inside a jail cell if he doesn't wake up and smell the coffee like yesterday.

Oliver2011 · Sep 5, 2013, 06:56 AM

My first thought was where will he go and do you think his situation/life/attitude will improve once you kick him out? That is almost a given NO.

So set up the situation to succeed as best you can. Can you sit him down and talk reality with him? The reality is he doesn't do well in school, doesn't like school I am guessing, wants to make some money, but needs discipline. Is there a way where you can motivate him to enlist in the Army, Marines, or Navy? If you could he may learn the discipline his entire life lacks at the moment.

talaniman · Sep 5, 2013, 06:23 PM

Has the ADHD been diagnosed by a professional, and been addressed in some way?

Jake2008 · Sep 5, 2013, 08:37 PM

Throw him out because he's too much trouble? He is lying stealing, struggling with his third go-round in grade 10, is not trusted at home, likely has some serious problems going on in that head of his and you want to just be rid of him?

What do you think will happen to this son, as you have described him. This isn't tough love, it's cruelty. I don't care how old he is, he has fallen through giant cracks at home, and at school.

Get the kid tested! Learn how to discipline in your own home. Set up some sort of plan for treatment/counseling/group situations with other kids who are struggling. There are alternative schools, there are guidance counselors, special needs instructors, etc. Find something that interests him- is he artistic? Can he read and write? Can he manage a part time job- has he ever tried?

How about teaching him that work is work. Find an incentive for him to do chores- even start there. It sounds like he has no alternatives to the lifestyle he is living, which, if it continues, will land him in jail, dealing drugs, or worse.

You thought he was okay in school because they kept passing him? Did you attend parent teacher interviews? Did you check with his teachers when he was struggling with homework- did you help with homework? What activities did you have him in, did he participate in anything he particularly enjoyed in school.

Where is his father? Does he have any relatives that could help- what about Big Brothers for example? They can work miracles in giving a kid a positive influence. Are his grandparents involved at all?

You need to, in my opinion, get him medically checked out, and if your ADHD label is your own and not from a Psychiatrist- ask your Doctor for a referral for an assessment. When you know what exactly is going on with him, speak to his teachers, and keep on top of things. Seek counseling for him through the school, or your Doctor. Even a diagnosis isn't worth much if that is all there is to his treatment.

This kid needs some serious help, legal age or not.

joypulv · Sep 6, 2013, 03:33 AM

The military won't take him. They are VERY selective now.
A teen repeating 10th grade 3 times who hasn't received some kind of parent-teacher counseling about going into a vocational program is a teen who NEEDS HELP.
And it was your job to find out where to get it, and still is.
Where was the guidance counselor during the last 3 years?

smoothy · Sep 6, 2013, 05:03 AM

I agree... Military is not an option... just for starters I believe you HAVE to have a High School diploma or GED as a minimum requirement to enlist these days.

Sure it would do wonders for discipline... and if anything will put him on the straight and narrow that would... but without graduating, its not an option.