[sailorslove]

Hello, my husband has recently began to ignore me, he is currently out to sea and has decided after an on line argument to give me "permission" to move on and be happy because he is tired of our emotional roller coaster,and doesn't have time for any of this. I
Understand that he is very tired of our emotional roller coaster as I am as well. But I just don't get how he can flair up do to a question I asked ,turned in to an argument .I'm
Confused,and very hurt. I have tried to reach out to him,I have appologised to him even though I don't believe that I should have. I have told him that I miss him and love him. Yet no response; it's been well over 1 week . What do I do? I'm honestly very disappointed and confused, I feel very neglected. My husband has always been very attentive,I feel very deprived and alone. Has anyone been in a similar ? If so how did the issue resolve?

[joypulv]

Millions of people get to the point of no return after a 'last straw argument.'
What did you ask him that turned into an argument? That I don't quite understand, since he can't come home until they say he can. What else is there to argue about. Being at sea also means little communication time.
Yes, you feel neglected, deprived, and alone. We all do when dumped.
Time to prepare for a single life again, I guess.
If you can force yourself to be 100% apologetic, even if you don't think it's all your fault, write him an apology, with no 'buts' or excuses or even explanations. If it hurts too much to do that, then either just wait and HOPE things cool down, or expect a divorce.

[sailorslove]

Millions of people get to the point of no return after a 'last straw argument.'
What did you ask him that turned into an argument? That I don't quite understand, since he can't come home until they say he can. What else is there to argue about. Being at sea also means little communication time.
Yes, you feel neglected, deprived, and alone. We all do when dumped.
Time to prepare for a single life again, I guess.
If you can force yourself to be 100% apologetic, even if you don't think it's all your fault, write him an apology, with no 'buts' or excuses or even explanations. If it hurts too much to do that, then either just wait and HOPE things cool down, or expect a divorce.

It was brought on by his ex wife who has dedicated her time to drive a wedge between us. In the midst of being upset,I reacted by accusing him of "working" with her to make my life impossible. Yes I know,I was wrong for reacting like I did ,I appologised for it ,however I don't believe that he should have reacted like he did. In my opinion he has not put his self in my shoes for a quick minute. I don't believe that I should have appologised for "upsetting him" honestly I'm very confused.. since my posting he has replied to an email but only said he is still out to sea,and continues to study for his upcoming qualification board. In my previous email I asked him if he truly meant it when he said for me to move on, I asked if my emails were a bother to him. He has not answered my questions. I don't get why he's evading my questions. I just want to be there for him, we have been married for 4 years with many ups and downs all brought on by his ex wife who is truly insane. He has been in the military for 13 years, we have endured two 8 month deployments and many out to sea experiences. I have no friends that are military wives or friends and family who understand military life. I don't know much as far as what's considered "normal" and he is my first husxband so I have no past husband or military relationships... I just wish he would tell me straight out if he truly wants me gone,I love hi. So much and only want the best for him,but I also don't want to walk away thinking it's the best for him then he say I gave up or didn't care enough to fight for our marriage. I'm truly desperate for help,I'm losing my mind,guessing what's best.

[joypulv]

'he has replied to an email but only said he is still out to sea,and continues to study for his upcoming qualification board.'

If you truly love him and want this marriage to last, LEAVE HIM ALONE. He is under a lot of work and study stress. No more emails, nothing.

Tell us about his ex. Does he have children?

[sailorslove]

'he has replied to an email but only said he is still out to sea,and continues to study for his upcoming qualification board.'

If you truly love him and want this marriage to last, LEAVE HIM ALONE. He is under a lot of work and study stress. No more emails, nothing.

Tell us about his ex. Does he have children?

Yes they have a 10 year old doughter and a 16 year old son. She uses them as pawns to make his our life hell, worse thing is the children are suffering. The ex wife always accuses him of being a horrible father and tries to turn the kids against me. They are perfectly fine with me as for I don't speak negative of her or try to take her place, what's so sad is that they have recently acknowledged to me how they know how much she (their mother) hates me and makes their dads life a living hell every chance she gets. The ex wife takes my husband to court every chance she gets for the most pittyful things. An example would be picking the kids up 5 min late or she has forfeited visitation for being late due to work demands. She has enrolled the 10 year old in child care just to make my husband spend more money

[sailorslove]

Yes they have a 10 year old doughter and a 16 year old son. She uses them as pawns to make his our life hell, worse thing is the children are suffering. The ex wife always accuses him of being a horrible father and tries to turn the kids against me. They are perfectly fine with me as for I don't speak negative of her or try to take her place, what's so sad is that they have recently acknowledged to me how they know how much she (their mother) hates me and makes their dads life a living hell every chance she gets. The ex wife takes my husband to court every chance she gets for the most pittyful things. An example would be picking the kids up 5 min late or she has forfeited visitation for being late due to work demands. She has enrolled the 10 year old in child care just to make my husband spend more money

And takes them to the dentist for cosmetic care and demands half the payment he pays in addition to his monthly child support and alimony. But her mission is to deminish our quality of life. I don't mind so much,the kids won't always be kids ,they will become adults soon. However it's the evil intention in her that's honestly disgusting. She questions why I got a new car from him as a gift then tells the kids ,he doesn't love you guys he prefers his tramp. She gets well over 3k a month in support in addition to half of all dental bills she incures and child care expenses. I think it's hilarious when she calls my husband asking him what he spends his money on,or she gets upset because the kids tell her that we are toi g on vacation or he has bought me a nice gift. Anyway that's just a tiney bit about her.

[joypulv]

Yes, this is awful for you. But you married him knowing he had children, and must force yourself to stay out of 90% of the interaction between him and his ex. Keep telling yourself that he loves his children, not her. I realize that's easy for me to say, when so much of it spills over into your time with him, your shared finances, everything.

Do you work?

[sailorslove]

Yes, this is awful for you. But you married him knowing he had children, and must force yourself to stay out of 90% of the interaction between him and his ex. Keep telling yourself that he loves his children, not her. I realize that's easy for me to say, when so much of it spills over into your time with him, your shared finances, everything.

Do you work?

Not to mention every time he's gone she emails me with more frequency to tell me how he's screwing around with other woman, she also sends him emails telling him the same. Or she will make stories up telling him how I harrass her via email. She is nothing but dramma. The children do not cause me any negative feelings towards them, in fact I feel bad for them ,they are being mistreated by there mother due to her hatred. Currently I'm not working, I resigned my
Job 4 months ago.we mutually agreed on me
Staying home so I can visit family ( my home
Town is out of state)while he is gone for long
Periods, and for me to travel with him o
R go to him as much as possible,when possible. I'm also continuing my education via on line courses ,to facilitate travels.

Facilitate travels. So far that hasn't happened due to our current situatio

[joypulv]

I understand that you could write a book about her. She does sound like a very bitter ex, and many women who have children are very bitter exes. It goes with the territory. She's never going to let him forget.
But this isn't about her, and you are letting it be about her. Arguing with your husband about her isn't going to help at all.
You MUST LET HIM SOLVE the problems with her or you will lose him too, plain and simple.
You MUST ignore her slander or it's doing the very job she wants it to - driving a wedge.
You MUST block her emails, and you MUST stop emailing her back.
If you want to keep him, you have to be the exact opposite of her, calm and serene and secure in yourself, that you are a good person to be around. Or you will lose him just as she did.

I suggest work to cut down on the time she can insert herself into your life and to cut down on the importance she manages to loom into your life, because you have another life. Going home to family is a bandaid. Your family can listen to your troubles and be sympathetic, but they can't solve anything.
But you need that job mainly so that you have your own finances, which you should SAVE every penny. Don't spend it, don't mention it, don't use it in the heat of an argument.
NO WOMAN should be without her own income. It will help you emotionally, and give you an out if you have to leave this marriage. It will give you confidence and security.

[Fr_Chuck]

So why do you open her email, why do you not tell her to go >>>>>>> (fill in the blank)

You have no reason to, or any excuse to discuss or talk to his ex. If she needs to talk to him, she can email him.

But the issue is also, you have decided to declare her evil for most likely asking for what the court order says he should pay for the children, Few new wives ever thing that the amount is fair, no matter what it is. So are you working to help keep up your life style ?

Next yes, up and down, and up and down, at some point, one or both parties will just have enough downs, and on one down, not try to go back up.

A relationship that is always up and down, is really going to fail completely at some point

[sailorslove]

To clarify, I have not responded to any of her emails since well before we married, nor do I have desire to initiate contact with her. The last mode of communication by her to me was via a letter sent via postal mail. Yes ,she has gone to that extreme... with regards to my husband fulfilling his parental obligations. I have no objection at all, I would encourage him to fulfill them, court order or not. Fr_chuck I would encourage you to read the entire thread
Your questions have already been answered. Joypulv, I agree with you regarding my own income, it's only been four months since I resigned, the idea was brought up by my husband ,it took me six months to finally agree, I want my marriage more than anything, I was OK with granting my husband what he wanted of me ,which was more time and attention for us while he's home and away,he really disliked the fact that I couldn't travel with him or fly to him on a whims notice. Now I'm left not knowing what's next ,and without my financial independence it's a horrible feeling... I'm a pretty private person, my family does not know of my marriage issues, going to spend time with them has absolutely nothing to do with band aiding my issues, it simply has to do with spending time with family and friends since I have no friends or family where he is currently stationed. I will stop panicking and focus on my studies as well. He's due to be home in a few weeks. In the mean time no more emails, I will offer my struggles of uncertainty to my god,and hope for the best what ever that may be..

[joypulv]

OK but... I do hope you reconsider all the good reasons to have your own income... but it's your life...

[Jake2008]

I have never been married to a man in the military, but I know enough that if anybody is studying for an exam, I would not bother them, at all.

I have never been married to a man with an ex wife and children, but I would hope that I wouldn't consider the ex wife 'evil', nor would I engage in any conversation with their children, about what the ex wife thinks of me.

To me you sound lost. It is enough of a challenge to realize that your married life to a military man, is not a 9-5 job, and weekends off. To expect complicated questions to be answered while he is at sea, instead of having the patience to wait until he is home in order to talk face to face, sounds needy and insecure.

Your bitterness toward his ex, claiming she is evil and deliberately putting a wedge into your marriage, is really only causing trouble between you and her, you and him, and you and his kids. You have created drama, where none need exist. If you don't participate, it stops.

Try a little compassion for your husband, and his circumstances. Not only with his job, but trying to keep the peace between his ex wife, and his children. And then to balance your attitude toward her, and cope with the stress of it all- while at sea.

If the situation were reversed, what would you expect of him?

Stop involving the children in any and all conversations that even remotely concern their parents. You know full well that what they tell you, they turn around and tell their mother, who turns around and tells your husband. You may not realize it, but you are using the children in your bitterness with the ex wife. And in so doing, you are making matters worse, not better.

Let him deal with her, and let him be a father with all the consequences (court etc.) that involves. As well as the joy that that brings when he has his kids. They have to come first- before you.

Leave the kids out of this, and do not respond to anything they say, and instead tell them that their parents business, and your business, is none of their concern. Concentrate instead on providing a nurturing environment when they are in your home, and try to enjoy their company without the drama.

I suspect this long simmering negativity you have toward his 'other' lives- his ex, his children, and his job- will ultimately be the end of your marriage, if you can't learn how to accept you have to make considerable sacrifice of your own, in order to turn the tide of all these relationships.

[sailorslove]

Jake2008,

I don't think I was clear enough to convey that I don't engage in conversations concerning adult problems, the children have come to me or my husband on their own,we do not carry on. As far as a nurturing environment we do provide they have our attention,love and everything they need while with us. As far as dramma with the ex wife, I DO NOT PARTICIPATE, my husband and his children know very well. This posting has become, all about the dramma by the ex wife and not about what I truly need help with. Your very right I am lost, and in a sense feel insecure right now,which is why I have started this thread. I was hoping for insight and words of advice . I have taken joypulv's advice,I will not email him any longer, I will be patient and wait for his return hoping for the best.

[smearcase]

As an old Navy veteran and I admit I haven't thoroughly read all the discussion, but I hope that no emails doesn't mean no attempt to contact this sailor at all. How about an old fashioned letter? No contact from home is never a good thing for a sailor at sea.

[sailorslove]

As an old Navy veteran and I admit I haven't thoroughly read all the discussion, but I hope that no emails doesn't mean no attempt to contact this sailor at all. How about an old fashioned letter? No contact from home is never a good thing for a sailor at sea.

@smearcase,

That was a concern of mine, since this posting I made it a point to let him know that I miss and love him very much, and that I'm here for him as always. I will only send him words of encouragement, and support. I will also continue to fill him in as far as my week,just like he has always asked of me.
Would be nice if I had a glimps of what it's like to be at sea for long periods.
Thanks for the suggestion smearcase.

[smearcase]

Best wishes to you and a safe journey for the sailor.