[fearlesspink]

OK, long story. I'll try to give the condensed version. My son who is 19 has been in multiple car accidents in the past 2 years, we have just settled a law suit brought against us due to one of them. He has had uncountable tickets, lost his license many time. Went into credit card dept by $2000.00. Every time we have gotten him out of what ever trouble he has gotten into. Just found out he received 3 tickets in 2 months and didn't bother to pay them, or tell us about them. So... once again we "bail" him out. My question is when is enough, enough? He will only work 30 hours a week or he "gets sick" LOL! We are feed up but what do we do? He can't afford to live on his own, if we make him leave how will he make it, and how do we live with the guilt? We are going broke due to him, and find we are fighting each other due to all this stress brought on by him. Oh, and just so you know we are attempting to make him pay back all the he owes us due to the above mentioned and are worried if he moves out he will never pay us back!

[ballengerb1]

This sounds aweful and I sympathize with you. How did he do in school, starting in kindergarten? Are these new issue are has he always had difficulty. Just asking, not trying to pry.

[phillysteakandcheese]

You are letting your son take advantage of you...

First - Unless he's a full-time student, he needs to be out on his own. He's not a child. He can take care of himself. If he's not working on his education, he should be working to support himself. There is a level of maturity that a person never develops if they are not making their own way in the world.

Second - Stop paying for his mistakes. He's not a child. He knows right from wrong. Let him face the consequences of his actions. The more you shield him, the less responsibility he has to take for himslef. You're no longer being a "safety net" for this child, you're an ATM and a "get out of jail free" card.

It's one thing to be supportive and helpful.
It's another to enable someone to self-destruct.

[karent23]

Unfortunately today's youth is getting lazier and lazier. Not all, but a lot... you need to start by charging him rent or bills. If he refuses to pay then you need to tell him to leave. If you do not do something now while he is young, he will be in a bigger mess when he's older. It will be hard on you, but the longer you wait the harder it will be.

[Fr_Chuck]

It was too much the second time, He is "grown" and has to learn what happens from his actions, wages garnish, evicted and sleep in his car, no license and paying his own bills.

You are allowing him not to learn respnsiblity by "taking care of it"

I know you think you are doing it because you love him, but it only makes it worst in the long run, since it is obvous he is not learning, except leaing to take advangte of others

[J_9]

I feel that it was "too much" by the third time. We all make mistakes, once, maybe twice, but at three times you have become the enabler.

You need to put your foot down, not tomorrow but today. By bailing him out each time you are enabling this destructive behavior.

Please consider my answers here as I have a 21 year old son, a 19 year old son, a 13 year old daughter, and a 5 year old son.

Everytime we have gotten him out of what ever trouble he has gotten into.

See, he KNOWS you will "bail" him out. He is not responsible for the consequences to his actions.

He will only work 30 hours a week or he "gets sick"

Again, he knows you will bail him out. You have to stop enabling him and make him pay for his own actions. Yes, it is hard, but MUST be done if you want him to be responsible.

We are feed up but what do we do?

Make HIM pay, he did the "crime" so to speak, he must do the "time" again so to speak.

He can't afford to live on his own

He could if he had to.

if we make him leave how will he make it

He will have to buck up and work 40 hours or get a second job. He will do this if he HAS to.

and how do we live with the guilt?

You won't feel the guilt once he has learned responsibility, and it may be a bitter pill for him to swallow, but he will, eventually.

you know we are attempting to make him pay back all the he owes us due to the above mentioned and are worried if he moves out he will never pay us back!

This will probably never happen. So it is best to cut your losses and start with a clean slate.

You see, as I said above, you are enabling his destructive behavior. Not only is it destructive to him, but to your marriage as well.

This is something we all as parents have gone through in one way, shape or form in our lives of rearing children.

If you don't nip this in the bud now, where do you think he will be when he is 29 or even 39? Still at home with Mom and Dad taking all of the responsibility for his actions.

It is time you bite the bullet, lay down the law, and MAKE him suffer HIS consequences. You have done your share of suffering. He is now and adult and, as such, needs to learn to be one. Even if you have to use tough love to get the point across.

[fearlesspink]

Thanks for all the support, it is going to be difficult but you are all correct its time to "let go". I am going to talk tohubby tonight and decide a plan of action. Rent, telling son he has to up his hours, etc. I just fell ( I know this is stupid) nervous, afraid , guilty...

[J_9]

I understand being nervous, afraid, and guilty. I mean we are supposed to protect our children right?

Well, he is not a child anymore, although he is definitely acting like one.

You and your husband need to get on the same page, decide a plan of action, and stick to it. NO MATTER WHAT!!

Your son will try to be manipulative and try to get you back to the way you "were" but you can't let this happen.

Give him a time limit to move out and stick to it.

Good luck to you, and keep us posted. Don't be afraid to come back if you need more guidance.

[Lowtax4eva]

Of course he keeps getting tickets etc, you keep paying them so he doesn't care, it doesn't affect him, stop paying his bills. What would you do if someone came by and paid your credit card bill each month, keep spending like crazy!

Tell him he needs to keep a steady job and pay you rent or move out. As said many times above, it's time to get tough, he's an adult and doesn't see any problem with the way he's living.

Oh, and don't pay to get back his license next time he loses it... he can take a bus till he smartens up.