[jojo80]

Please help!
I have been dating this man for almost 8 yrs now. We have a 5 yr old son together. 2 yrs ago his dad passed away and he was left with the responsibility to help his mom and siblings with the mortgage and the maintenance of the house.

Last year Oct 06 I gave him an ultimatum he had until Dec 31st to decide if he wanted to move forward with me (get married) or we can part our separate ways.

Dec 31st came around we went to dinner to discuss- he told me he loves me and wants to be with me forever and he let me know the plans that he had for us. I accepted.

Jan came around he took me ring shopping everything was great. Feb came he told me he wanted to get married in Florida.

At the ending of March he had to go away to his country to visit his ill grandmother which he has not seen in 27 yrs. So he traveled with his mom for 5 days.
The day that I took him to the airport before we said our goodbye he told me that he wished he had a ring on him so he can propose right now. ( Prior to that he has told me that on two separate occasions).

He came back from his trip when he saw my son and I he got so emotional he almost cried cause he missed us and was happy to see us.

I noticed that when he came back he was a bit depressed- he told me that he hated his life because of all the responsibilities that he has with his family, his job.
This weekend came around and he still seemed up set- and I asked him to tell me what is wrong. He said he doesn't know he's not happy with his life.
He is unsure if I am the one for him and if he can be in a committed relationship with me. While he is telling me this he is crying and says that he's sorry he doesn't know what he wants.
He has spent the last two nights by his moms house. And we have spoken a few times-and once he starts talking about it he cries and he says he doesn't know what he wants he doesn't want to loose me and he doesn't want to regret anything later on.
Not sure what I should do?? I love him and I know he's the one I want to be with. We have had our up's and downs like any other couple. Any suggestions??

[Matt3046]

He needs to see a therapist, or counselor. And a DR.

[manimuth]

From your post, I don't know how supportive you are but from what you wrote, you gave the man an ultimatum when his life and responsibilities changed unexpectedly. How have you helped him deal with the new changes? Have you made any suggestions on how he can handle the new responsibilities?

How old are his siblings? He is not expected to support them to their old age, is he? Once they can get jobs and move out, he can find good care for his mother. This situation is not necessarily the end of his life or his world and you should support him and remind him that so that he doesn't feel overwhelmed.

If you love him, let him know that he is not alone. Let him know that you support him and that you will take it one day at a time, together, and deal with the problems as they come. He sounds like a good man who obviously loves you and the children so support him and be there for him.

Let me know if I have assumed anything incorrectly. I just answered from the information in your post. If you have been supportive and caring, then he may need more help than you can offer him. But, either way, be there for him. This was not his choice or plan for his life.

[jojo80]

Thanks for the reply. I have been supportive of him and his family. It's a difficult situation because he was left paying more than half the mortgage plus anything that comes up(Before his dad passed-his dad told himm that he was the man of the house and to take care of things). I feel that they should sell the house but its not my place to say so. I feel it should honestly be his mother decision and she is inconsiderate because she knows that we have a family together and after his dad passed he had to get a second job so he can help his family. His siblings are 26 and 17. The 26 yr just started working less than a month ago. And the 17 yr old is still in HS. They can't contribute much. And I know I gave him an ultimatum but he needs to think about us and our child. And aside from that- since he helps his family I am stuck paying almost everything at our place. There is only so much I can take. And I am confused know because of him. And how much time should I give him for him to decide on what he wants.

[manimuth]

Jojo, I admit you are in such an icky situation; between a rock and a hard place. Yes, there is only so much you can take and in my opinion, your priority should be your kid and yourself first.
It sounds like there are things he needs to work out on his own. Have you suggested any counseling? Family can be the cause of so much trauma, as they can be both a blessing and a burden. As a grown man, he must make decisions for himself. He does have some responsibility to his mother and siblings but not at the cost of his own life and happiness. Maybe through some counseling and professional help, he can come to see this and learn the strength to make difficult but necessary decisions.
In the meanwhile... it seems like you need a break. Help him seek counseling and professional help and give him time to work things out. Since you've had 8 years together, with a son, and he sounds like a good man at heart, I don't suggest you bail just yet. Be a little more patient, encourage him to seek help, and give him the time and support he needs to get better.
Don't see this as an end. Yes, he is in a very hard situation and seems overwhelmed and torn between the family he has with you and his son and his sense of responsibility to his mother and siblings. But, this is neither impossible nor the end. With help, he can definitely work through this and find a compromise and find a happy place in his life where he can be with you (and live his own life) while fulfilling his duties (in a reasonable manner.) I wish you good luck.