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bebbi · Aug 11, 2013, 04:39 AM

Been with my boyfriend for over 4 years. We are getting married in 5 months. He was single when we met but started to see the ex again behind my back. They were confused and tried, but he never let go of me and never told me. He was running a double life. When I found out I dumped him. He had always used the son as an excuse to disappear and I got suspicious and found out.

He begged for months and we got back. He said he was really sorry. As a punishment the ex took the son away from him. We have been together only the 2 of us for 2,5 years. No ex and no kid.

He fought back for the kid in the court and now he sees him 4 times a week, but as a condition was that she had to be present for 6 months so they can adapt.

He has asked me kindly not to call when they meet because he can get in trouble. They spend from 4 to 9 hours together and I can't be around. And we are talking almost every day like that for 6 months!

I got so mad I exploded. I cried and was totally broken. He says I am childish and not being supportive. He is an angel with me when we are together. I feel like I am being treated like less that dust, and I have nothing to say. Nothing.

I am thinking about leaving him. Am I wrong in not tolerating this. It is the big damage ever done to the relationship. Been to the shrine to handle it because it lasted for so long, and now she is in my house and I can't be around.

Jake2008 · Aug 11, 2013, 05:29 AM

The arrangement he has with his ex- have you actually seen the court order that she has to be present and supervise his visits with his son?

And why does this take place in your home- and why does your boyfriend have to be supervised at all. And you have to leave your home?

This does not sound right to me. If he needs to be supervised by his ex, why not meet at least most of the time, with his parents, or her parents, or a close family friend of theirs.

I think you are being fed a line of garbage over this court agreed upon transition with his father. Why wouldn't YOU be present, as you are obviously going to be in the larger picture when he does have his son visiting your home.

Maybe get more facts on this arrangement, and tell them to meet somewhere else.

Then change the locks.

J_9 · Aug 11, 2013, 05:41 AM

I agree that this doesn't sound right. Typically supervised visitation is done by a party other than the other parent. Rarely is supervised visitation set up so that the custodial parent supervises the visitation with the non-custodial parent.

If you are getting married in 5 months, one would think that he would want you in this child's life to make the transition to a blended family easier.

I think someone is trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Time to tell him to hit the bricks.

bebbi · Aug 11, 2013, 05:46 AM

I used a wrong word. She is not suppose to monitor, but be there so that the son can adapt to be with the father again after such a long time. If she yealls or whatever her mummy is there, and they thought 6 months was OK. The court had said it could be less if she saw that they were doing fine.

J_9 · Aug 11, 2013, 05:53 AM

The child is 6 years old, correct? Regardless, rarely is a custodial parent present for supervised visitations. It's usually a non-custodial party such as an aunt or uncle, grandmother or grandfather. Rarely are both parents required to be together for visitation, supervised or not.

I still think you are being played.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 11, 2013, 06:05 AM

This is not a normal custody or visit. I have never seen or heard of a court ordiering this.

I would want to see it in writing in the court order, my feeling, is they are lying to you, so that they can still see each other

bebbi · Aug 11, 2013, 06:05 AM

Originally Posted by J_9

The child is 6 years old, correct? Regardless, rarely is a custodial parent present for supervised visitations. It's usually a non-custodial party such as an aunt or uncle, grandmother or grandfather. Rarely are both parents required to be together for visitation, supervised or not.

I still think you are being played.

Thanks for the answer. I realized the topic was very misleading. She is not there to supervise. She is there for the son since the son hasn't seen the dad for a very long time. She is there so that the son can adapt to the situation of being with the father again. Then after 6 months he will be alone with the son.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 11, 2013, 06:06 AM

Still not normal, maybe a few visits, something still does not sound right, again, have you seen the actual order.

If it is, then your boyfriend had the worst attorney ever.

Cat1864 · Aug 11, 2013, 06:07 AM

It sounds like the mother got her way and he is playing her game for the moment. How much longer is the 'transition' period? Did the court spell out the rules or is she making them up? For example: Not allowing you to be present or call.

Have you sat down and talked with him about this? What has he said about how he feels and what the custody/visitation arrangements will be once the transition period is over?

I can understand your concerns. But I think he is afraid of making a wrong step and losing his child again. If she is adding restrictions and saying that she will make certain he never sees the child again if he doesn't do exactly as she says, then he needs to go back to court.

I am concerned about how you feel about the child. Can you be a step-mother and treat him as a separate entity from his mother and the mess his parents have created? He is going to be in your life from now on and if you harbor any resentment or anger toward him, then let the both of them go.

J_9 · Aug 11, 2013, 06:08 AM

I still think there is something fishy going on, and so do you. If you didn't, you wouldn't have asked the question. Correct?

Two or three visits with a 6 year old are appropriate. Six months? Well, too much unless it's an infant.

I think you know this, but your heart is over-ruling your head.

bebbi · Aug 11, 2013, 06:20 AM

Yes. 6 months is a very long time! It doesn't make any sense. I did tell him that too, but he gets angry with me. Says I have to understand. She has never said to him that he can't answer phone calls. He doesn't dare to do it he says. If they go to a play court they sit and talk together for many hours. I feel very bad about this. He cheated on me with her. I haven't slept more than 10 hours in 3 days and eaten one meal a day. He knows I struggle but he thinks I am being immature and childish. I think she does this to make his life difficult. She doesn't know we are together. We live in his dad's house and we are 4 so she never enters where the rooms are. He doesn't want her to know since its such a delicate subject. That's why I can't call, why he doesn't answer and why I have to stay away for the coming months. Nomatter wheter she knows him and me are still together or not she make his priavte life imposible

N0help4u · Aug 11, 2013, 06:38 AM

I can understand supervised visit and a lott of this. The her having to do the supervising and you are not to be present---BS! You are getting married in 6 months so son should be adapting to you as well. My suggestion is tell him face to face and catch his reaction "since you have this 6 month adaption think we need to put the wedding off until next summer."

LadySam · Aug 11, 2013, 07:33 AM

It goes without saying that I don't know any of you.
There are usually three sides to every story.
Your side, the other side and the absolute truth is usually somewhere in the middle.
I think you need to see the actual court ordered agreement, because this does seem very odd. My children had supervised visitation when young for a very good reason, but the supervisors were the grandparents. I've never known anyone who's supervisor was the custodial parent.
It could very well be that she is using the son as a pawn, it could also be that she is overstepping her bounds because of a suspicious nature.
Do you have a relationship with the mother at all?

Cat1864 · Aug 11, 2013, 07:51 AM

Originally Posted by bebbi

Yes. 6 months is a very long time! It doesnt make any sense. I did tell him that too, but he gets angry with me. Says I have to understand. She has never said to him that he can't answer phone calls. He doesn't dare to do it he says. If they go to a play court they sit and talk together for many hours. I feel very bad about this. He cheated on me with her. I havent slept more than 10 hours in 3 days and eaten one meal a day. He knows I struggle but he thinks I am being immature and childish. I think she does this to make his life difficult. She doesnt know we are together. We live in his dad's house and we are 4 so she never enters where the rooms are. He doesnt want her to know since its such a delicate subject. Thats why I can't call, why he doesnt answer and why I have to stay away for the coming months. Nomatter wheter she knows him and me are still together or not she make his priavte life imposible

This is where the largest red flag is. He needs to be honest with her now. Not later.

If she doesn't know about you and the up-coming wedding, then he is playing games. Probably not to be with her, but using her feelings and emotions to get what he wants. At the same time he is not being a good partner to you. It is a damaging and deceitful game. Even after the six months, he will still have to work with the mother in raising the child. His actions are potentially making things worse for the future.

I am still worried about how you will handle dealing with the child. The father and mother issues aside, how do you feel about the child? Can you be fair to him?

LadySam · Aug 11, 2013, 08:05 AM

Wait-how did I miss that? He is playing games with you both and sadly this child will get caught up in the fray.
You deserve to known as a significant person in his life and she deserves to know who her child is exposed to while in his fathers' care.
How old are the involved parties? This situation is being handled poorly.

N0help4u · Aug 11, 2013, 08:11 AM

OP said it in above follow up reply above. Yes that is the big red flag

bebbi · Aug 11, 2013, 08:55 AM

They are in the mid 30s. I have nothing to do with her at all. I was fooled before for the whole beginning of the relationship while he was seeing both. They are not suppose to be talking about their private life when they are together according to the agreement. My boyfriend thinks she has a boyfriend now. He tells me not to worry at all, that I have to trust him. I just can't imagine how this is going to work for 6 months being hidden like that again. He says he doesn't hide me, but that he prefers to keep it as quiet as possible not to make a wrong step.

I "hate" her because I have many strong memories and she is for me something I assosiate with the hardest time of my life. She did some very cruel things to me before too when she thought I was trying to take her boyfriend away ( that was when I had no idea they were living together). She had feeling something had been going on between him and me and told very bad rumours about me to everybody she knew in my company. Sent emails about me included to my boss. Things that were not true. I can't stand this woman. It is like as if a ghost has appeared after years. I also know that the main fault in this my boyfriend has it. He knows I have struggled and still he agreed to go through with this arrangement. Of course to see the son. And me I have to take so much, like an enternal punching bag.

N0help4u · Aug 11, 2013, 09:04 AM

I'm thinking he could be hiding you because one of get stipulations may be that you be out of his life

talaniman · Aug 11, 2013, 09:40 AM

I think you are ignoring the big red flag as to how he handles his personal business especially with the ones closest to him. He lies, cheat, and is dishonest with you, her, and his on.

Marry him in 5 months and you will be subject to even more of this drama. You have been warned.

Can't wait for the ex wife to find out about you. MO' Drama!

bebbi · Aug 11, 2013, 09:41 AM

Another thing is of course that he is pushing him for as much money she can. Asked for 20 000 dollars. He had not paid child support after he got unemployed and a student. I helped him a lot. I sacrificed and got him the job I had one vacation. I had savings so it wasn't urgent and took some courses instead over the vacation. I wonder how some woman manage to just know what they want and ignore their feelings. I kind of admire that, because I never feel anything I do benefits me in the end, it just the other way around. He asks me to be patient, but how is that possible when he gets into more debts and trouble. Maybe his life is just way to troubled and I refuse to give up. I have am not used to giving up, always think that where there is will there is a way. 4 years and we are back to where we started.