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Cmj301973 · Aug 6, 2013, 05:43 PM

My 19 year old daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for just over a year now, she became pregnant by him after just 3 months and now has an 8 week old daughter. In this time he has dumped her several times, does nit work, has been in trouble with the police, and has been totally disrespectful of me and my family. My daughter still lives at home with me. I cannot stand to see him hurting her like this. Ive tried talking some sense into her about taking all this behaviour from him but she won't take any advice, I can see she is upset. What can I do? I can't take anymore stress with this

Alty · Aug 6, 2013, 05:45 PM

Sadly there's very little you can do. Legally she's an adult, and you can't stop her from seeing the man she chooses to see. They also have a child together, so no matter what, he will always be in her life.

But, having said that, she does live under your roof, so she must abide by the rules of the house. If you don't want him coming over, then make that a stipulation. Of course that will likely drive her further into his arms, and away from you, but that's really the only power you have in this situation.

Good luck.

joypulv · Aug 6, 2013, 05:47 PM

Time for you to accept the fact that she is an adult and needs to be on her own, even if it means trotting down to the welfare office. Tell her bluntly that you love her and her baby, but that the stress of her boyfriend is bad for your health, and it's either you or him. MEAN it if you say it. If you can't follow through with actual deadlines, then it's all a waste of words and energy.
Oh - and rules. Your house, your rules, and your rules apply to him too. Let him know that the next time he so much as looks at any of you crosseyed, you get a restraining order. And mean that too.
CAN YOU DO THIS?

Alty · Aug 6, 2013, 05:51 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

Time for you to accept the fact that she is an adult and needs to be on her own, even if it means trotting down to the welfare office. Tell her bluntly that you love her and her baby, but that the stress of her boyfriend is bad for your health, and it's either you or him. MEAN it if you say it. If you can't follow through with actual deadlines, then it's all a waste of words and energy.
Oh - and rules. Your house, your rules, and your rules apply to him too. Let him know that the next time he so much as looks at any of you crosseyed, you get a restraining order. And mean that too.
CAN YOU DO THIS?

And can she accept that by doing this she may end up losing her daughter and grandchild?

N0help4u · Aug 6, 2013, 05:52 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

If you don't want him coming over, then make that a stipulation. Of course that will likely drive her further into his arms, and away from you
.

I think she could use a good dose of this ----tough love.
If she moves out and has to depend on him and her making it she might see how disrespectful she was when she had it good.

Alty · Aug 6, 2013, 05:56 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

I think she could use a good dose of this ----tough love.
If she moves out and has to depend on him and her making it she might see how disrespectful she was when she had it good.

True, or it could totally backfire and she runs to him, ends up getting pregnant again, and then she's even more stuck than she is now.

No matter what the mother does, this boyfriend is in their lives for good, he has a child with her daughter. The tougher the OP makes it on her daughter, the more she'll rebel, I'd bet money on it. No matter what, she has to have some sort of relationship with this man because of the baby.

So do the tough love, get restraining orders, and kiss your daughter and grandchild goodbye. That's what I would bet will happen.

joypulv · Aug 6, 2013, 06:05 PM

He dumps her. He doesn't work. He gets in trouble. The baby is 8 weeks old.
I say take the risk and do tell her he goes or she goes.
She will either stay and dump HIM, or run and be right back. I'll bet.
All choices are a gamble.

Cmj301973 · Aug 6, 2013, 06:06 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

True, or it could totally backfire and she runs to him, ends up getting pregnant again, and then she's even more stuck than she is now.

No matter what the mother does, this bf is in their lives for good, he has a child with her daughter. The tougher the OP makes it on her daughter, the more she'll rebel, I'd bet money on it. No matter what, she has to have some sort of relationship with this man because of the baby.

So do the tough love, get restraining orders, and kiss your daughter and grandchild goodbye. That's what I would bet will happen.

I have already told my daughter that I love her, and will be there for her, but to go and get her own home and live her life, like you say she is an adult, and she has to learn from her iwn mistakes

Alty · Aug 6, 2013, 06:11 PM

Originally Posted by Cmj301973

I have already told my daughter that i love her, and will be there for her, but to go and get her own home and live her life, like you say she is an adult, and she has to learn from her iwn mistakes

Sadly she's already made a lot of mistakes with this guy. She may feel trapped, and in a lot of ways she is. No matter what, even if she leaves him, they have a child together, he will be a part of her life forever because of that child. There's no getting around that.

It really sucks that the guy that's the father of her child, turned out to be such a loser. Sadly, it's too late to go back and change things. The old saying "She made her bed, now she has to lay in it", comes to mind.

But, there's no reason you have to deal with this guy. This is her choice, she decided to go out with him, she decided to have sex with him, she had a child with him. She has to learn that as an adult, her actions have consequences. She's a mother now, so it's time to start acting like one.

The only concern I have is that if you make her choose between you and the boyfriend, you probably won't win. For better or worse, this is the father of her child, and she's still with him. Love is often blind, not to mention completely stupid as well. ;)

Cmj301973 · Aug 6, 2013, 06:14 PM

Thank you all very much for your help and advice.

Alty · Aug 6, 2013, 06:17 PM

Originally Posted by Cmj301973

Thank you all very much for your help and advice.

I wish you all the best. I don't envy your position, and I'm so sorry you're going through it, sadly there's really not much you can do, other than kick her out and wipe your hands of the whole thing. I'm pretty sure that's not what you want either.

Hopefully she'll realize what a deadbeat jerk he is all on her own. Hopefully she'll figure that out before she gets pregnant by him again. But no matter what, he's in her life forever because of this child. Some bad decisions you can't walk away and learn from, they're with you forever.

N0help4u · Aug 6, 2013, 06:25 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

True, or it could totally backfire and she runs to him, ends up getting pregnant again, and then she's even more stuck than she is now.

No matter what the mother does, this bf is in their lives for good, he has a child with her daughter. The tougher the OP makes it on her daughter, the more she'll rebel, I'd bet money on it. No matter what, she has to have some sort of relationship with this man because of the baby.

So do the tough love, get restraining orders, and kiss your daughter and grandchild goodbye. That's what I would bet will happen.

Yeah but sometimes it's the chance you have to take. They can't live under that stress and yes it would be better as a last resort.

Jake2008 · Aug 6, 2013, 06:42 PM

A 19 year old with a baby. Very sad indeed.

Maybe it might be helpful to look at this another way.

If he is being 'brutally' disrespectful of you, how did that come about. Are you fighting your daughter's battles for her? Allowing yourself to be pulled into verbal battles? Maybe being hard on your daughter as well, with her situation, and her boyfriend?

If any of that is happening with all the stress going on in your house, you are driving a wedge between your daughter, and her boyfriend. Maybe a change of attitude with the fortitude of Zeus will pull off a few miracles here.

Kill him with kindness. Do not disrespect HIM, in front of your daughter, or discuss him with her, or have any involvement what so ever. Let HER see that you are doing nothing wrong to ruin her relationship with him, let her figure it out on her own, that he is clearly the only one with a problem.

Stay completely out of her way, and stay completely out of his as well.

What you are really doing is allowing him to pit mother against daughter, by being a victim of nobody likes him. (and for good reason from what you've described) He gets off the hook from responsibilities to spending time with his new baby, and helping the baby's mother. He isn't interested in parenting, or being responsible, or getting a job. He is only interested in causing enough trouble by blaming others (you) that he isn't welcome.

That way he can say he tried to come and spend time with the baby and your daughter, but another fight happened, and he had to leave.

Remain completely neutral. When enough time has passed, your daughter will realize that he has NO excuses not to step up and help out. Then she will begin to think support, and hopefully move on from there to get an education, and the training she needs to support herself.

But, to mix it up with this boyfriend, will not solve anything, and only prolong the stress.