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laurabarton30 · Aug 5, 2013, 01:00 PM

Yesterday my boyfriend told me that he would like to have a baby with me. I really like the idea of this but I am not sure if I do actually want a baby? In honesty I think I will regret it if I don't, but I don't feel ready yet. I am 35 years old and running out of time.

The problem is that my boyfriend said to me that if I don't want a baby he will go and find somebody else that does. He wants it that badly.This comment hurt me very much. But he did say if we tried and I couldn't get pregnant he would stay with me. He says he wants some stability and this would give him a positive thing to do with his life.

My boyfriend has mental health problems. He is unable to work due to them. He said he will help out with bringing up our child around 3 days a week, but he still needs to be able to go out and do his thing. So I would be doing most of the raising of our child. I don't want to loose him, he makes me happy, and if I have a baby I will put 100% into it, but I'm scared I'm just going to be a secure place and a mother figure to him. He would help out with DIY, finances, some raising of our child etc. Am I just being a feminist or do you think this is fair ? I am the only one who works so I would need to give up my job. I own my own flat, so this would give him a part time place to stay with me and our baby 3 days a week.

N0help4u · Aug 5, 2013, 01:04 PM

Personally, I'd tell him don't let the door slam you in the butt. I guess at your age he feels time isn't on your sides

laurabarton30 · Aug 5, 2013, 01:07 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

Personally, I'd tell him dont let the door slam you in the butt. I guess at your age he feels time isnt on your sides

Yes he does think that. And he is right, 35 is bordering it a bit. What do u mean 'tell him don't let the door slam u in the butt' ? Sorry I didn't understand

N0help4u · Aug 5, 2013, 01:11 PM

It means 'if that's the way you want it, goodbye'.You have to decide though and try to comply with him or tell him no and take your chance about his leaving.

laurabarton30 · Aug 5, 2013, 01:15 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

It means 'if thats the way you want it, goodbye'.You have to decide though and try to comply with him or tell him no and take your chance about his leaving.

Thanks, I get what you mean now. I don't know what to do. I'm 35, this may be my only chance. But I just hope if I do this he will be there and not just want me for security

N0help4u · Aug 5, 2013, 01:19 PM

How does he treat you? How Long have you been together? It sounds shaky to me because he sounds like he could be all talk on helping out with raising the baby. You don't even live together.

laurabarton30 · Aug 5, 2013, 01:24 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

How does he treat you? How Long have you been together? It sounds shaky to me because he sounds like he could be all talk on helping out with raising the baby. You dont even live together.

No we don't live together, because of his mental health he can't handle routine, so that's why he can't be there 7 days a week. That suits me fine at the moment, but if I was bringing up his child I would need to rely on him. Which would not always happen. He is also emotionally immature, and I think this would be the biggest problem because it would be like having two children at times. But he has good qualities. He loves me and always wants me around. He thinks the world of me, but his bipolar does get in the way a lot, which is not his fault. But hard work non the less

joypulv · Aug 5, 2013, 02:01 PM

If he can't live with you and therefore you would have to quit your job, who is going to foot the living expenses for mother and child? Who supports him? Who does he live with?

Also.. and this is certainly no deal-breaker, just something you probably already know - bipolar runs in families. You might need more help and emotional support when the child gets older.

Wondergirl · Aug 5, 2013, 02:06 PM

Babies are the ultimate in routine. And I echo Joy -- how are you going to support yourself once you quit your job? And yes, you are going to end up raising two children, maybe both bipolar (and unmedicated?). How does he plan to "help out" three days a week?

Bipolar illness runs on my father's side of the family. I vote no.

J_9 · Aug 5, 2013, 03:30 PM

I see at least 7 red flags here. Having a baby is the least of your worries right now. You need to kick this jerk to the curb.

N0help4u · Aug 5, 2013, 03:35 PM

Originally Posted by laurabarton30

No we don't live together, because of his mental health he can't handle routine, so that's why he can't be there 7 days a week. That suits me fine at the moment, but if I was bringing up his child I would need to rely on him. Which would not always happen. He is also emotionally immature, and I think this would be the biggest problem because it would be like having two children at times. But he has good qualities. He loves me and always wants me around. He thinks the world of me, but his bipolar does get in the way a lot, which is not his fault. But hard work non the less

I think you answered your own question. 2 children, exactly! My ex was bi polar. I had 4 kids, er I mean 5! There is no set routine with when kids need you and when they don't. He can't be enough help so the verdict - 'no baby, there's the door if you wish'

gemmagee · Aug 6, 2013, 04:28 AM

Posted by J_9
I see at least 7 red flags here. Having a baby is the least of your worries right now. You need to kick this jerk to the curb.

How does he treat you Now, does he look after you?

laurabarton30 · Aug 6, 2013, 04:42 AM

He is on disability benefits. He would have to give me some of his benefits to go towards food, nappies etc. He said he would do some DIY around the house to help me out, because the house needs some stuff fixing. This would help because I'm no good at DIY. He would not be able to handle being there all of the time. So he would be a part time dad.

I would have to give up my job because I would be the full time carer. I don't no how I would be able to support myself and the baby.

N0help4u · Aug 6, 2013, 05:43 AM

You need to point all these problems out to him and stress him to picture the reality of it ALL

Jake2008 · Aug 6, 2013, 06:05 AM

It is absolutely wrong wrong wrong!!

To bring a baby into this world with a man who is not your husband, doesn't have a job, has no wish to be even in a common law relationship with you, who dictates what he will/won't do (particularly his wanting to do his own thing as he told you), is NOT worthy of consideration at all.

To top it off, he is mentally ill, on disability, with a future that does not bode well from what you have said.

This is not you being a feminist, it's you losing a grip on reality. Feminism gave you reproductive freedom, and choices for your OWN life, not dictated by some man who is demanding a baby, which in itself is absolutely ridiculous under these circumstances.

If you want to bring a baby into this world, feminism also gave you the legal right to do it on your own, under your own steam, with other methods such as in vitro, so that you don't lose your entire life being under the control of any man. Keep your job, plan your future, get money in the bank, line everything up- on your own.

That you are even considering this is truly alarming. With all the options available to you, you pick this man, and consider doing what he wants you to do.

Think long-term- you are old enough, and probably have some friends who are parents. If you think relationships are hard, having a baby with a man with so many problems and demands, and in total control of what he chooses to do/not do, will leave you with no support when you need it, unreliable help with the major expenses you will face, and the biggest of all- you'll be unemployed and likely seeking welfare to make ends meet because you are even willing to quit your job!!

I've said enough.

tickle · Aug 6, 2013, 06:14 AM

I see the writing on the wall here and it says you are in for a rough ride if you have a baby with an unemployed, mentally ill person like him. I would run very quickly the other way. Are his mental problems genetic, food for thought as well?

Fr_Chuck · Aug 6, 2013, 06:17 AM

You should have left him the moment he said these things. He can not be a father, and he likes the idea to be one, when he wants to. And no, he can not "go do his own thing" all the time and be a father.

It is time to set him straight of the obligation, in both time and money

laurabarton30 · Aug 6, 2013, 06:41 AM

Thanks, its good to get some perspective. I know whathe said is all on his terms, but I have no one to talk to about this so I needed to hear what you all thought. Love is blind, and I have been digesting what he said on Sunday.

Alarm bells are ringing because you are all saying the same. He is already a dad to one child, but he missed out on the child's upbringing because he was in prison, so he wants to try again and be involved this time. I have never had a child, so I have not got a clue what I'm letting myselfin for if I go ahead with this idea.

tickle · Aug 6, 2013, 06:53 AM

Having a child is wonderful under all the right circumstances but you don't have that option. Your age has nothing to do with this. Many women are taking their late thirties as the opportunity for a baby. However, this person is dictating to you and now you say he has a child and he has been in prison.

My dear, this is not good father material. Add up all negative factors. You don't have ant positive ones!

J_9 · Aug 6, 2013, 07:00 AM

Now you throw in that he was in prison. What a good role model for your child. NOT!

This man-child has some serious control issues along with being a mentally ill convict. Do you see anything wrong with that?

Having a child with him means you will never have any stability. You won't have physical, emotional, or financial assistance. You will be raising this child completely and totally on your own. Is that how a child should be raised? With one parent? In poverty?