[Jake2008]

I don't know that you weren't justified in going through her phone, and checking what you had to check to find answers. Why? Because she hasn't and isn't being honest with you. She's actually making a fool of you.

IF what she's doing is as you describe, it is a far less an 'offence' than gathering information any other way. You could have followed her in your car, or spied on her, or set her up. That is not much different than sneaking peeks on her phone.

I had previously posted to you about having a plan.

Are you any nearer to that?

[Homegirl 50]

He snooped through her phone based on one phone call. He said there had not been any indication prior to that. If I had answered my husbands phone and the person hung up, I would ask him about it but no way would I have gone snooping through his messages.
The truth will come out without all of that.

[halli0102]

I'm not going to justify my actions for finding out what I did anymore. I wasn't exactly snooping. I just went in to see if there was any texts from this guy who had hung up on me. If you're married to a person then I don't see anything wrong with looking at anything, as there shoudn't be anything to hide. She uses, and for all I know, looks through my phone all the time. I have nothing to hide though!
My main issues are with what she has told me regarding her relationship with this guy. I don't believe she has had anything sexual with him, but I do believe she certainly has feelings of more than an innocent friendship with him.
Jake2008. I don't have a set plan as of yet. I am trying to talk to her without accusations and am considering relationship counselling. There is a lot that has happened in the last few weeks and I suppose I'm trying to get my head around things before making any decisions. I will keep you posted. Thanks for your support!

[Jake2008]

[QUOTEhundreds of texts and hours and hours of talking to this guy over at least the last 4 months][/QUOTE]

I think the phone call was just the icing on the cake. The hundreds of texts and hours and hours of talking, was enough, and over the 4 months this happened (not one single phone call), she had plenty of time to answer for this questionable behavior.

There is no trust in this relationship, and it is her that has not been truthful, not him.

[Homegirl 50]

There is no way I would look through my husbands email, phone records, texts or his mail. That is his, not mine. I was married 33 years and I never went through his stuff, he never went through mine. I had nothing to hide but I would not have appreciated him going through my private things.
Now you have seen what you feel is going on so how can you talk to her without accusing? She has been having an emotional affair at least with this man. She has admitted talking to him. You tell her what you have seen, ask her if she wants to leave or make this work. If she does, you two go to counseling. This situation calls for counseling if it is to be salvaged. Interrogations are not going to do it. She needs to own what she did as well.

[QUOTEhundreds of texts and hours and hours of talking to this guy over at least the last 4 months]

I think the phone call was just the icing on the cake. The hundreds of texts and hours and hours of talking, was enough, and over the 4 months this happened (not one single phone call), she had plenty of time to answer for this questionable behavior.

There is no trust in this relationship, and it is her that has not been truthful, not him.

I understand all of that. All I am saying is, he based his snooping on one phone call. He also said he felt he has a right to go through her phone records because she is his wife. She was surely wrong, but I'm not liking the thinking of a man who feels he has the right to go through a wife's phone because he is the husband.

[Jake2008]

I gotcha Homegirl.

I am looking at it as a poor relationship, gone bad, then worse, then over.

If what he needs to realize that, is some sort of confirmation, I don't see that what he has done, was so wrong.

On the other hand, I do agree that generally, nobody has the right to snoop in anybody's personal effects- including diaries, phones, computers, etc. There is definitely no 'right' to do that, or justify it.

Sometimes, there is a grey area.

p.s. In my 37 years married, I wouldn't need to go through his phone to see if he's messing around with someone. I can tell by looking at him. :)

[talaniman]

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Homegirl 50 again

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Jake2008 again.

[halli0102]

So if I suspect something is going on I should confront her and ask her? Well, I suspect she would have said something along the lines of 'oh! I don't know why he hung up, he must have thought he had the wrong number!' I would have thought 'Oh! That sounds likely!' We would have lived happily ever after huh? I mean she would have been seeking his attention, but I wouldn't have known about it! I could have done 33yrs in denial too!! I looked cause it didn't make sense... not to catch her out, to put my mind at rest! Not my fault she was cheating!!

[Homegirl 50]

Didn't say it was your fault, but yes you could have asked her about it. Did you have any clue before that phone call that something was off with your wife?
If there is cheating going on, it will come out.

[Jenny-Sue]

I can totally relate. My husband has been doing the same sort of thing to me. He has not reacted with anger or accusations though, and has been, as far as I can tell, honest with me about his female friendships. I don't have all or even many answers. But, I do know that couples should not keep secrets like this from each other, and if they do, there is probably a reason why they do. That reason is most likely because they know they are doing something that is wrong. Your wife sounds like my husband used to when I would confront him about things he had done or was doing that he knew I would not approve of. They try to throw the blame back on to you. It's an old trick the guilty pull. There is never a good reason to cheat, emotionally or otherwise. If I was you, I would try to collect information. Copy messages and save them on your computer some where as well as print them out, Get hard evidence. You may need them as proof later on. Especially if your wife is like my husband and deletes them. In the meantime, try to approach her in a loving caring manner. Do not 'attack' her. This will just give her more reason to justify what she is doing.
The attention a person gets from another is like a drug. It can become addictive, and take more to satisfy the addict.