[halli0102]

It has come to my attention over last few weeks that my wife has been having a close relationship with another man. There has been hundreds of texts and hours and hours of talking to this guy over at least the last 4 months. The texts I have read from her phone have been flirtatious and suggesting private meetings, although nothing to really prove infidelity as such.

I have questioned her about this and am met with a brick wall. She never gives me the same answer to the same question. She says she will cut contact with the guy, yet refuses to give up an additional (optional) job where I know meetings and talks with him have taken place. She admits he made her feel special and says that she sought this attention because I neglected her. She says it was never anything sexual or romantic as the he is old enough to be her dad. I have since found this to be untrue.

Please help! Every time I try to talk to her she puts the blame on me and walks away.

[smoothy]

Your suspicions are right... shes in this up to her ears...

There really is no legitimate explanation for this.

[halli0102]

Your suspicions are right....shes in this up to her ears....

There really is no legitimate explanation for this.

You think she has romantic feelings for this guy?

[Jake2008]

I agree with Smoothy. And yes, from what you have described so far, she probably does have romantic feelings for this guy.

It's sad to think that this would happen, and a little honesty and effort on her part to put her marriage first, would have prevented the relationship with this guy in the first place.

Don't allow her to have you think you are in any way responsible for the choices she has made.

It's a common theme when affairs happen, that the husband/wife is blamed for the other being forced to seek the companionship of another. Married couples can have what seems to be insurmountable problems, but the problems, no matter what they are, is never an excuse to justify cheating.

I'm not sure how to advise you further. And this seems to be new to you, and you're probably struggling to find an answer that says what you see, is not really what's going on. Being betrayed is a blow.

Her paltry effort to offer to stop seeing him, isn't even in the ballpark in my opinion.

Such trust in her being so blatantly disregarded, and she carries on so selfishly.

I hope you keep posting as this all develops, and let us know how you are doing.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes of course and most likely it is an affair or will be soon.

And no I bet you do not "talk" about it, you accuse, most likely yell. And she does the same or as you said walk off.

If both of you want to work on this, you both need to go into counseling. Often we find, that over years of marriage we do start to neglect the other person, or we think we are doing more and they don't understand because they are looking for other signs.

[halli0102]

Thank you so much for you honest answer. We have been married coming up 7 years now and have 2 small children, both working lots of hours to build a stable future. I have admitted to her that I could have been more attentive with her and that I've allowed myself to let things slide due to general life chores taking all my energies. I've told her that I could handle whatever has happened with this guy, but I need to know. It's the not knowing that is driving me mad. All I can think about is finding out the truth. It's taking over my life as I can't move on with so many unanswered questions!
She feels like I'm constantly on her case and it's all I want to talk about. She feels I should accept her lies and promises and move on like nothing happened. I just don't feel able to do that the way things are.

[N0help4u]

No you shouldn't accept her lies but throwing accusations at her no matter how true will only push her further into this guys arms.

[Jake2008]

If you cannot accept what she tells you as truthful, and it's driving you mad, and you need answers, then you need a plan.

It's okay to tell her that you'll agree to marriage counseling, if she will fully cooperate and be honest, and prove that she is serious about saving the marriage, and the family. Failure to make this effort, will result in a separation/divorce.

She needs to know that you simply being upset isn't going to go away, or stop, and that you expect more from her, now that she has not been forthcoming on her own with any answers.

The hardest part is knowing that she may very well refuse to go and continue to give you bits of information, just enough to have you stay and cling to hope. This could also push the envelope, and you need to be sure that what you find out, you are as prepared as you can be.

You don't know that the relationship with this guy, hasn't been more than what she is admitting to. You don't know that the two of them have a plan to be together, and have set things in motion to reach that goal. Nothing is known about the nature of this relationship, other than it is ongoing.

You might want to start thinking about protecting your assets, so you aren't blindsided with empty bank accounts and an empty house.

I'm pointing this out as gently as I can, only to tell you that many have hung onto just hope, and never having the truth and/or courage to insist on it, are only further destroyed.

Be prepared

[halli0102]

Thank you to everyone who has replied on here. It has made me feel that I have every right to be concerned and upset with recent events. You have all given me a lot to think about. I will keep you posted as things happen and may come back for some more great advice.

[J_9]

The texts I have read from her phone have been flirtatious and suggesting private meetings

Yes, your wife is having an emotional affair. A married person should never have this kind of private conversation.

My question to you is... What are you prepared to do about it? Can you talk to her without being accusatory? If this affair stops, can you live with it? Can you let go and forgive and forget?

You may have been neglectful, but that is no reason to go outside of the marriage to gain attention. Communication is key in any relationship.

[odinn7]

She feels like I'm constantly on her case and it's all i want to talk about. She feels i should accept her lies and promises and move on like nothing happened. I just don't feel able to do that the way things are.

I have to say this... my first wife cheated on me. She pointed out every excuse she could as to why she did it. She kept turning anything back to me. Any time I wanted to talk about it to try and clear it up (after I first discovered it) she would get mad and tell me I just need to let it go, she was done, and it wouldn't happen again. I believed her.

Shortly after, she was acting suspicious again. She was going to hang out with some "friends" but couldn't tell me who was going to be there. I told her I didn't feel comfortable with her going and asked why I couldn't go. She told me I was trying to control her. I decided she was right and I let her go without an argument. Eventually I found out she was hanging out with mostly guys. She started to act even more suspicious and now I knew there was something going on. Again she was going to hang out and again I was told I was controlling her and this was going to force her to cheat on me. So, I let her go... and then I left.

Some details though... she was cheating... she had been cheating. She stopped with that one guy but then found others. It happened while I was at work. It happened while she was "at her mothers"... it happened all the time.

I am not saying this is what's going on with your wife. I am trying to point out that my wife had turned it all on me... she had made it my fault... she had said she would stop and I need to forget it... she tried everything to make me doubt myself. I know now that it's a common trick.

Just be careful... proceed with caution and don't fall into a trap like I did. If you really think you can save this, then go for it. If you start having doubts, you may need to look at other options.

Good luck.

[halli0102]

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I have to say that it's her defensive attitude and inability to answer a question directly and truthfully that makes me so much more suspicious of her relations with this guy. She says they were just friends, but tells me she has ended it with him. Ended what? According to her there was nothing to end! If I question the fact that she has given me 2 different answers to the same question she will tell me I'm just looking for a fight. She says she's done with it all and she's leaving. She's packed her bags on more than one occasion. She gets upset and tells me if I had been a better husband she wouldn't have needed to go looking for attention elsewhere and that it should be me that's apologising.
She says she loves me and she wants to make the marriage work, yet she won't do anything to ensure that happens. She won't be honest and truthful with me, and she won't give up the night job she has that I know she sees this guy on. I don't want to give up on my marriage if there is a chance it can be fixed, but I just feel like I'm banging my head off a brick wall!

[talaniman]

If she is willing to go with you to couples counseling that's great. If she is NOT, then go yourself and learn the best way to deal with this disconnect. Drop the guilt of the past though, because there is no excuse to break the trust as she had ample time to direct her dissatisfaction to YOU and not another. Maybe she did, and you ignored it, I don't know. That would be a shame but I don't see a couple having friends outside the marriage the other doesn't know, and is known by those friends.

That's where things got off the rails with that unknown third party. Before you attacked your wife, you should have found out the facts of this fellow with a simple introduction, or invitation for one. Demanding they make changes because of your own fear and resentment is unreasonable and divides not unites. That's as threatening as what she is doing and resolves nothing.

I suspect at the core is a better way to talk, listen, act, and express yourself, and go from there. Not letting her off the hook for her actions in this at all, but you cannot control her action just yours, so be honest about how you approach this big challenge to get a resolution that you both can benefit from. To be fair, I can't see being so busy with other things that I ignore my own wife. Paying attention to your own life partner is the first priority, not a when you have time deal.

Confronting and snooping, and demanding is out also, too much drama and emotions for rational conversation to take place, or bonding and building. You have a lot of catching up to do my friend if there is hope for change for the better, so start with leading with a good example that starts with paying attention and being better yourself.

It may take a while so be in it to win it for the long haul and don't expect tomorrow to be an instant success but a one day at a time process. Be steady in your improvements whether she reacts well or not.

[talaniman]

And stop the freakin' questions for gosh sakes. Nobody reacts well to interrogations accusations, and damnations. At least act like you trust and understand just to give space for honesty, and not defensiveness. If you have no self control, don't expect her too either.

[Homegirl 50]

It sounds like there's something going on, but what made you decide to go snooping on her phone and reading her messages?
If you feel she will not stop with this guy, leave her and stop the interrogating. You either trust her now or you don't. Do counseling and work on it or get out of it.

[halli0102]

The guy phoned whilst she was in the shower so I answered and he hung up. It was suspicious to me, so that's when I went looking through her phone. I always fully trusted her and I have never questioned anything she's done or gone snooping in the past.
I don't feel I'm able to stop asking questions about this. She is not giving anything to me freely and I don't know how I'm suppose to move on without the truth.

[talaniman]

You write that you trust her and never question her or what she does and never snoop, but that's not true at all and your actions are just the opposite of your words, as you don't trust her, and want your question answered.

That's why you answered her phone and got suspicious in the first place so stop making excuses to snoop when the average healthy guy would simple have answered and took a message, or let it go to voicemail.

To move on and resolve your issues then first you must be healthy, or at least clear minded and under control. Start being honest with yourself and deal with your motives, and fears in a more rational way, because you are on a really bad path and may need some help to get on a better one.

Please consider getting some help before it too late.

[Homegirl 50]

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

[halli0102]

I maybe didn't make myself clear. I have up until now never questioned her. I answered the phone with the intention of taking a message (I assumed it was someone regarding her work) and I have answered her phone when she has been unavailable in the past. It was the fact that the guy calling hung up as soon as I answered. The guy was in her caller ID so it wasn't likely it was because it was a wrong number.
There is a difference between trusting someone and closing your eyes to strange behaviour. I don't believe I have dealt with this any differently to the average guy. I also don't believe it is my actions that I need to look at.
My question was asking if people, from what I had discovered, thought my wife was involved in an emotional affair. Most people believe this is likely on the information I have and have given. So on that basis I'm glad I've 'snooped' and questioned her on this occasion.

[Homegirl 50]

You snooped and you found something out but snooping is just wrong, You had no right to do that. He could have dialed a wrong number or whatever. To go through her phone was just wrong and no matter what you found, you need to realize it was wrong.
Now deal with what you know or leave, but the badgering and interrogations would get on anybody's nerves.