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mindblowndad · Jul 30, 2013, 10:43 PM

Hi! I am a 35 year old man who found out recently that a one night stand between deployments when I was an 18 year old in the military produced a beautiful baby girl. She is now a lovely 17 year old young woman on the verge of entering her senior year of high school. The mom never told me or tried to contact me because she figured I was in the military and would never be around anyway. I never knew about her until a couple of weeks ago. I have done extensive research on people finding out about unknown children and just can't find anyone who has a quite the same situation as me, so thought I would seek advice more tailored to my own situation.

I found out through a friend I hadn't seen in years who made an old inside joke that somehow sparked a conversation where he asked if I had ever heard what happened with the girl I hooked up with. My mind was blown when he said she had a 17 year old daughter who she was adamantly positive was mine. He has known the daughter (who I will call V from here out) her entire life and said that V has some features that are pretty similar to mine and directed me to V's Facebook page to take a look. I wasn't prepared for the face I saw. I recognized my features in her face immediately and called my friend to ask him if I could speak to V's mother (who I will call A). Well, my buddy got in touch with A, told her what had happened, and A asked him to give her # to me so we could talk about everything. I got in touch with her and verified several things with her to confirm that V is mine (rare blood type, birth date lined up with leave dates for conception, and a few other things).

A said she doesn't want anything from me (back support or anything like that), just for her daughter to know the truth. Well, A thinks the time is right for V to find out the truth, and here is where things get a bit tricky. V has grown up with a man who she has known as dad her entire life (from birth). He knows about me and has known since he and A met shortly after she found out she was pregnant. He didn't care that she was pregnant and wanted to get to know A. They ended up getting married a little after V was born. She said they discussed that this day may come and that when it did they would need to tell V together. Long story short, A and V's Dad divorced after several years of marriage and a second daughter and the girls now both live with Dad. He constantly avoids A when she tries to contact and see her daughters (she gave him custody because at the time, several years ago it was really in their best interest as she was recovering from some serious medical conditions), and this may be the only roadblock to me meeting my daughter. V has stated to A and others that something doesn't feel quite right in her life and may suspect that Dad isn't her Bio. She looks absolutely nothing like him or her sister, and just a little like A. She really looks just like her father, me.

In proof of how small the world is, she lives mere miles from me but in a different state and I have worked with one of her uncles (not with the same company, just collaboration) on some jobs (obviously I didn't know he was uncle until now). The weird thing is I remember him mentioning once that I looked like someone he knew. But I digress a bit. I have accepted that there may be a real chance that I won't get to meet her until she is 18 and allowed to make her own decisions. A has promised me that she will give me info on her graduation date so that I can at least see her graduate and catch one thing from her childhood, even if we haven't met, so that if/when we meet in the future I can at least tell her I got to see her graduate. So I guess this leads me to my question finally... I have to reiterate that neither of us (myself or V) has known until now. If and when A and Dad tell her, I hope she wants to at least meet me and eventually meet my wife (who knows everything and is incredibly supportive of me in this) and our infant son (V's baby brother! AMAZING!).

The question then is this: How do I introduce myself to her? How do we get to know about each other? What do I ask her to call me as I don't think I could stand her calling me by my first name? I understand building this relationship will take time, possibly a looooong time, but I am willing to read any advice anyone can give me on this situation. Thanks so much for reading all of this, if you need me to answer any questions to clarify the situation, I am happy to do so, just as I will be happy to answer any of V's questions no matter how difficult they may be. On a side question, music has always been a huge part of my life and I wonder if anyone knows of a song appropriate to this situation? Thanks!

Fr_Chuck · Jul 30, 2013, 11:04 PM

Several legal issues, of how she gave custody of a girl to her husband, that is not his. Unless she was adopted. That custody may not even be valid. Was it done in court.

But also, no, you can not contact her, without parent permission, ( the parent who has legal custody)

joypulv · Jul 30, 2013, 11:21 PM

You introduce yourself by your first and last name, as you would any other person. It is very selfish to feel uncomfortable using your first name. You let her change it to Dad or whatever she wants, when she wants. You start by saying 'Hi V, my name is Bob Smith, and I'm almost positive that I am your father.' She decides what to say and do next, including whether to hug or not. Just stand there, or if it's on the phone, just wait. She's probably going to want to hear the story of how you and her mother met and conceived her, so plan what to say - when she asks. She's old enough to understand all of it.

I'm not sure what the music is about? You aren't on stage here, and you yourself are the only important part of the meeting. She can find out about your interests as you get to know each other. Even the baby brother part, 'amazing' to you, means nothing until it means something to her (in fact I would be careful not to say things like 'I can't wait for you to meet him'). Please try to drop all notions of what to expect, and all assumptions. I'm sure it will be wonderful but you never know. You are a total stranger to her until she decides otherwise.

Also try to understand what she will be going through adjusting to all this. The man she has been raised by, without her mother, is no longer her bio father, and suddenly a strange man is standing there saying he's her father. It's going to take a lot of delicacy and understanding to give her time to get used to that. Again - it's all up to her. Let her set the pace. You just follow.

mindblowndad · Jul 30, 2013, 11:40 PM

Sorry for including how I feel in this, I guess I should just be a brick wall according to you. Also, you'll notice I said IF or when I meet her. I am an optimist and prefer to hope for good. I am not an idiot who thinks everything goes the way I want it to and am fully aware that I may never meet her (that is what IF means). As for the music, I have no notions of "being on stage" as you so rudely put it. Through my whole life music has helped ME deal with issues in MY life and I would like to know if anyone knows a song appropriate for the situation for ME to listen to and help me deal with the feelings and emotions that I have, not to play for her in some weird gesture. So instead of assuming you know what I am talking about, ask questions for clarification like I requested in my question. Thank you.

I agree with the paragraph you added at the bottom. Her choices, her pace. I am just some stranger to her, as she is to me. I have accepted that she may want nothing to do with me but I prefer to plan for the possibility that she does. My reason for this is that if she doesn't want anything to do with me, there is no reason for me to ask for advice.

mindblowndad · Jul 30, 2013, 11:42 PM

Chuck, plain and simple, they lied in court and there were no paternity tests done. I am not going to fight that because I know it was in her best interests to stay with the man she knows as Dad and not with her recovering mother.

Fr_Chuck · Jul 30, 2013, 11:49 PM

Then legally till she is 18, you can not see her without her guardians permission.

If you do wish to see her, do so, though a 3rd party, who will contact her first, and set up time and place.

Have you went to see the guardian and talk to him about it.

joypulv · Jul 30, 2013, 11:49 PM

'What do I ask her to call me as I don't think I could stand her calling me by my first name? '
Set a tone that concerned me. VERY much. My suggestion to just wait for her to make all the moves has nothing remotely to do with being a brick wall.
Do what you want, including thinking I was rude. You asked, I gave an opinion. Take or leave what you want out of anyone's advice.

mindblowndad · Jul 30, 2013, 11:52 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

'What do I ask her to call me as I don't think I could stand her calling me by my first name? '
set a tone that concerned me.

Understood, I guess I should have phrased that better.

J_9 · Jul 30, 2013, 11:54 PM

I would like to add medical into this. Just because the two of you share a rare blood type does not mean you are related at all. Sometimes the mind plays tricks. When you find out that you "may" have a child, you will see certain features of yourself in that child even though they may not be biologically yours.

You need to stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your head. If you are in contact with A, you need to get a DNA test done between you and V, before you proceed. Once that is done, if it is verified that you are the biological parent, you need to proceed with caution. You don't know what V has or hasn't been told about you, if anything. Truthfully.

If that DNA test comes back that you are the biological father, it would be her mother that needs to break the news to her, not you. This needs to be done with kid gloves and very gently.

While I understand your excitement, you need to sit back and see this from V's eyes. She may be excited to meet you, however, this could backfire and she may see all of her childhood years as being deceived.

tickle · Jul 31, 2013, 03:11 AM

V may harbour some resentment towards her mom, and possibly you. I agree with J that her mother should sit her down and discuss this with her; you may enter the picture, but then again you may not so don't get your hopes up for a let down.

mindblowndad · Jul 31, 2013, 07:47 AM

Chuck, no I have not talked to her Dad yet. A is planning to try to talk to him this week about it. I have asked her to make sure he understands I am not trying to interfere or step in to his relationship, only to meet her and let her make her own decisions. I grew up calling my stepdad "Dad" and no longer have relationship with my bio. The only difference is that I've known my bio my whole life, but he is a POS and a terrible person. I just don't want to be like him.

mindblowndad · Jul 31, 2013, 07:49 AM

tickle, I told A exactly that and she said she is prepared for it as they have had tough times in their relationship before. I am also prepared for her to have anger, resentment, and all other emotions toward me as it is a lot for a teenage mind to deal with. Hell, it is a lot for anyone to deal with!

mindblowndad · Jul 31, 2013, 07:54 AM

I don't feel that I have been clear enough: I am fully aware that V may never want to meet me or have anything to do with me or my family if she DOES meet me. My goal in these questions is to get advice for the POSSIBILITY that she DOES want to meet me and have her in her life in some capacity. I accept the negative possibility, but I prefer to CONSIDER the positives. If I only consider the negatives there is no point whatsoever to be asking advice. I am looking for advice on how to proceed IF IF IF IF IF she wants to meet me. I understand all possible legal ramifications, like I said, I have extensively researched all of this, but just want advice for the possibilities of the positives. I am 99% sure she is mine, and that 1% will be alleviated if and when we meet and if SHE wants to do a test. AGAIN, I UNDERSTAND THE NEGATIVE SIDES OF THIS, I DON'T NEED ADVICE ON THOSE, I am looking for HELP with how to proceed IF SHE WANTS TO. Thank you. Please stop being so cynical about everything. Hope is a good thing.

N0help4u · Jul 31, 2013, 07:59 AM

You say she has always felt something was missing. Most girls in her situation that make that statement are VERY open when 'the day comes'. She needs it made very clear that you had no idea until recently

mindblowndad · Jul 31, 2013, 08:10 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

You say she has always felt something was missing. Most girls in her situation that make that statement are VERY open when 'the day comes'. She needs it made very clear that you had no idea until recently

I agree, and A and Dad have talked about this day coming since they first got serious, so I think they will make that crystal clear to her. Supposing she is open to meeting me, how do I tell her that myself though? Should I just leave it at "I had no idea until a few weeks ago" or should I elaborate "I didn't know til now and if I had known back then things might be different, I can't change the past, but we can always work on the future" or something along those lines? I know the right words won't be there until (if) the situation comes to that though. Thank you for your insight.

joypulv · Jul 31, 2013, 08:37 AM

I think you'll find the right words when they are needed. Try not to over think. We plan and plan and then we blurt out what comes out based on the moment and what the other person is saying and doing. You are looking forward to the meeting. There's good evidence that she might be too. That (along with patience) is all that matters.

mindblowndad · Jul 31, 2013, 07:14 PM

I just got a call from the uncle of V's that I know. A contacted Dad and told him it was time to tell V the truth. I am meeting with Dad and uncle this weekend. We will be doing the pat test after Dad informs V that he is not her bio. The ball is rolling now, and from this point on everything is V's choice. I am hoping for the best, but prepared to accept the other options. Thanks for reading, friends. I will let you know how things go either way.

J_9 · Jul 31, 2013, 07:21 PM

Wait, V doesn't know that "Dad" isn't her biological Dad?

N0help4u · Jul 31, 2013, 07:26 PM

It could very well be that she sres you at the graduation and is drawn to you. I have a very strong feeling she will be intriged to know you and rejection won't even enter her mind. So many kids have a hunger and do not feel complete not knowing a birth parent.

mindblowndad · Jul 31, 2013, 07:30 PM

Originally Posted by J_9

Wait, V doesn't know that "Dad" isn't her biological Dad?

No, she has just felt that something doesn't quite fit but not sure what it is. But she has not been told yet. Dad will be going to a family counselor that he V and Dad's wife have talked to before to talk about how to properly let her know. Like you said before "kid gloves". He wants V to know the truth, and is approaching it in a very sensitive and appropriate way.