[Jen5232]

I am in my early 30s, a mother to 4 great kids. In my past are 2 not so good marriages. The first marriage ended because of trust issues. He will still say to this day that he never cheated but he had a lot of female friends that he chose to hide from me. The second was an abusive relationship. Needless to say, I find myself to be the type of person that doesn't trust others easily. About a year ago, I began a relationship with this man and I felt I was lucky to have him. I thought he was sweet and honest and hardworking. But most importantly, I felt safe with him, something I've never felt with any other relationship. He was wanting to get married and I was wanting that too, even though before him the idea of getting married again was something I never thought I would do again. But I've found out recently that a woman he used to date and said he is still friends with, have been talking more than I had thought. Their messages were more personal than I thought, in some he even says that he still loves her and always will, and that he would give anything to have someone love him the way that he loves her. When I confronted him about this, he says that he didn't mean any of that. That sometimes when he messaged her, he had been drinking or was just really feeling alone. I admit that there are times I fear I am neglecting him. It is hard being a single mother. I work (only part-time) right now and I'm going to college full-time. It's not easy for me but I should be graduating in just a few months and I have tried to explain to him and the kids that right now, I have to do this, but once I'm finished, it will make things better for all of us. I just don't know what to do or who to talk to. I'm so confused and my heart is broke. He says he loves me and if he could change anything he would. He has stopped all contact with her. Or at least, as far as I know he is. I'm sad to say that I check his phone and computer regularly now. When I ask to do so, he always says it's fine, but it makes me feel sad that I feel the need to do it. But yet, I feel I have to know if he's hiding anything else. He says that he's sure we can work things out and that I'll learn to trust him completely again. He maintains that there was no sexual relationship with her. I just don't know what to do. I'm scared to open myself back up to being hurt but I'm also scared that I'd be making a mistake by not working things out with him. Love is a rare thing anymore. And everyone does make mistakes at times, and can learn from them. But how do I know this isn't something that he will do again?

[Homegirl 50]

You either trust him or you don't and checking his computer and phone on a regular basis is pitiful. I would not stay with a person who insisted on doing that. You take his word and trust him or leave him alone. If he gets drunk and messages her that would concern me as well but you have to decide if you are willing to give him another chance and trust him.

[joypulv]

Step outside of yourself and look: you aren't married to him and you have been neglecting him. He is friends with her and says things when slightly drunk. They aren't the kinds of things anyone would want to hear.
BUT
How much is he worth it? Would he be doing that if you weren't so busy? Is he supposed to stay on the narrow path while you go to school? Maybe he is, I don't know. I'm asking you to answer these questions, not us.
Understanding, compromise, and forgiveness are a huge part of any relationship. At some 'tipping point' you turn from trusting to a trusting fool. But I think you are a long way from being a fool if you trust him based on what you know and have said here.
YOU tell US.