[MMAddict]

Well I'm finding it hard to get over a long time friend. Even though this guy was supposed to have my back and screwed me over for a lot of things. I'm still finding it difficult to get over the situation. Even though all the drama is over and we're cool, I still get thoughts like "Oh what if I see him somewhere, will I have to fight?" or, "He's calling but I'll ignore.

But what if it's drama? I don't want to get into a fight or anything!". It's not that I fear him, it's mainly a fight or confrontation in general. It's not who I am, I'm not a fighter. Like it pisses me off that he could drop the friendship so easy like it was nothing multiple times, but I can't once and for good! I cut him off but it's still hard to forget.

I mean I'm honest, there were MANY times I screwed up, and I own up to them, but he won't, no sorry, no my bad, nothing! I have dreams of beating him and another kid up because they came to my house in the dream (the other kid I'm undecided with him when it comes to being friends). I have overwhelming feelings sometimes that I want to kill him! I was screaming at my mom telling her I wanted to burn down his families house! That's screwed up, that is wrong!

I'm so done, I give up, 15 years old and I'm already messed up in the head, thinking about "Oh what if I'm gay or what if I killed this kid"... Like COME ON! I try praying and nothing happens, I look for advice and nothing happens... Truth be told, I want to jump off a bridge. I can't take it, I just can't. I want it too STOP, NO MORE THOUGHTS.

Dawning on the what if I'm gay part, It's pretty much gone, the thoughts don't bother me like they bother me with killing this kid now. I'm always being attacked by them.

[joypulv]

I'm not getting a picture of you from what you write. I'm not even sure if you are male or female? Male, because this is about a male friend who is upsetting you and you thought that might mean that you are gay?
It would be good if you can come back and tell us more about that, as well as what's going on in your life aside from this one kid (or two). Do you have sexual fantasies (surely) about boys or girls?
As for this guy, we don't need to hear about him but about you. You say you don't like to fight and you don't want drama, but in a sense you sound like nothing but drama. You want to die AND burn his house down, all because he is so casual about friendship. And because you apologize but he never does... and so on. Do you have any insight into what this intensity is all about?
You are 15. You aren't expected to know about adult relationship behavior. That's why you need to have a bunch of friends, not just one, although it's good to have a best friend.
As you get older you will realize that your have to develop who you are and not depend on others. People rarely change. Expectations will do nothing but disappoint you your whole life if they are this intense. If you really think you are out of control, ask for mental health counseling. And maybe you are gay, is that bad? Or maybe you just didn't have any male role models, a father or older brothers or relatives, or even younger siblings, and something is missing in your life to get a sense of who you are?
So tell us more. We are total strangers and your thoughts are safe here.

[talaniman]

Stay cool, calm, and collected and in control of yourself as you manage your anger, and frustration.

You have come to the right place to vent all those intense feelings out, and don't have to go to jail over being stupid and act in anger or impulse. You may learn some techniques for impulse control, like think before you act or speak, and removing yourself from tense situations, or beat a pillow not a person. Or leaving idiots and crazy people alone, and NEVER let a fool ruin a good day.

[Oliver2011]

I am so conflustered by this post I don't know where to start or what to type. What the heck kid?

As far as other people in your life why allow them to have control over you like that? You need to find a place in life where you are content and happy with you. Other people come and go and there is not much we can do to control that. But we can control us being happy with ourselves and you need to learn that. In my life I make sure nobody has control over my thoughts, feelings, emotions, or actions. It has made me a very content person.

As far as the gay thing, so what? I am a ton of things. I am a great tennis player, a great friend, a great boyfriend, a great father, I was a great son, a great singer, a great dog trainer, a great writer, and oh by the way I am gay too. You see being gay is only a small portion of the person I am. So if you are gay do not allow anyone or yourself to define you as gay and only gay.

I wish you the best but mostly I wish that you calm down. Life is a journey so have fun on that journey.