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surebusy360 · Jul 6, 2013, 07:17 AM

I am a widower since late 2010. My son who is 20 has dropped out of college and lacks confidence to find a career. He has been in trouble with the law several times and just last night took 40 dollars out of my wallet. I confronted him and he is remorseful. He is my only child and I don't want to lose him but I am not sure how to put him on the right path. Many have said tough love is best but he has already been arrested and throwing him out of house is what others say is the best answer. He has been through rehab for drugs twice already. He needs to learn there is more to life than just spinning in circles. I wish I knew how to enlighten him.

J_9 · Jul 6, 2013, 07:23 AM

Tough love is the best love in this case. He has to learn that there are consequences to his actions and Mom or Dad cannot always come to the rescue as he is an adult now.

By enlightening him you are essentially enabling him. He's not remorseful, he's playing you.

He's been through rehab for drugs twice now. How many more times are you going to pick up the pieces for him? When are you going to make him accountable for his own actions?

odinn7 · Jul 6, 2013, 07:30 AM

You need to get tough on him. Drug rehab twice... so when is he going to overdose? Stealing but then he's sorry... so when is he going to steal from the wrong person?

At age 20, he is an adult and is fully capable of making his own bad mistakes. He will never learn if you keep helping him out and letting him get away with it.

talaniman · Jul 6, 2013, 08:37 AM

He will never learn to wipe his own butt if you keep wiping it for him. Sorry mom, your teaching days are over and you should stop enabling him.

Let him pay for the consequences of his own actions AWAY from your house. Let harsh reality be the new teacher for you both.

It's difficult on a parent, but essential for a child.

joypulv · Jul 6, 2013, 09:00 AM

As stated, he's not remorseful. He's acting, so you won't throw him out, so he has a free place to stay and food and a chance to steal without consequences. Drugs bring out lies, lies, and more lies. You have to throw him out. When you do it, do it quietly and firmly and with no hedging or 'ifs' - just go.
You can't 'put him on the right path.' It's beyond that, and he's an adult. You raised him the best you know how. He either will do it himself (with help from professionals in the field) or he won't. You have to accept that, and you must try to squash any feelings of guilt. He will pick up on guilt and play it. You can love him and tell him so, but from afar for now.

surebusy360 · Jul 6, 2013, 12:36 PM

I'm his dad. Mom died in 2010. It has been a rough road up till now. (Hurricane Sandy took our house from us) That is why I have not been able to be harder on this.

talaniman · Jul 6, 2013, 12:52 PM

Having a rough time is no excuse to bad behavior. Draw a line and dare him to cross it, and keep your word when he does.

That's how you set boundaries of good behavior.

N0help4u · Jul 6, 2013, 01:03 PM

Remorseful that he got caught. You hide your money even though you shouldn't have to. Then whenever he asks for money you tell him no because he set you back financially. You tell him he needs to get a job and pay some of the house bills.

JudyKayTee · Jul 7, 2013, 08:19 AM

For starters, stop making excuses for him - from his remorse to his mother dying to Hurricane Sandy to his lack of confidence keeping him from getting a job at Burger King

Figure out how much money you can afford to have him steal from you. When he reaches that limit, throw him out.

In my house it's $40.