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J_9 · Jun 28, 2013, 06:46 PM

I know. It's hard to let the baby bird fly from the nest. My girl is my third baby bird that is testing her wings. The first two, sons, did fabulous! And they say girls mature faster than boys? However, many girls are more easily manipulated.

It hurts as a parent to watch all of what we taught them and instilled in them go to the trash. I thought giving birth was hard, but letting go is harder. It's like sitting back and watching a snowball turn into an avalanche and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

ndksd · Jun 28, 2013, 06:53 PM

Originally Posted by J_9

I know. It's hard to let the baby bird fly from the nest. My girl is my third baby bird that is testing her wings. The first two, sons, did fabulous! And they say girls mature faster than boys?! However, many girls are more easily manipulated.

It hurts as a parent to watch all of what we taught them and instilled in them go to the trash. I thought giving birth was hard, but letting go is harder. It's like sitting back and watching a snowball turn into an avalanche and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Our 1st, a son, also did wonderful. A few glitches, but turned out awesome with wonderful little family. But this sweet little baby girl has turned into someone we don't even recognize. We keep praying this will resolve before too long.

J_9 · Jun 28, 2013, 06:55 PM

As I read you, I feel like I am looking into a mirror. I don't feel so alone in this anymore.

ndksd · Jun 28, 2013, 07:55 PM

It actually makes me feel better knowing we aren't the only parents going through this. It has been a horrible month or so in our family. I actually felt my heart ripping through my body when her dad and brother went and got her car from her. I could not believe our lives had been reduced to abandoning our little girl in another town. I feel so terrible for anyone going through this, but at least maybe I can quit questioning my ability as a mom!

ndksd · Jun 28, 2013, 08:02 PM

. It's like sitting back and watching a snowball turn into an avalanche and there is nothing you can do to stop it.[/QUOTE]

I kind of like the analogy my sweet daughter in law made... she said it's kind of like a run in panty hose... you can protect it, try to not pull that spot, yet it will run anyway. But, she said, if you don't do anything, well, it will STILL run anyway.

That is pretty much how I have felt past few months, no matter what I do, she is going to run to him and the situation, and yet, blame me for it all. I am sure there is some irony in all this somewhere.

J_9 · Jun 28, 2013, 08:39 PM

There is irony in it. When she is 42 with adult children, she will say "I'm sorry mom for all of the grief I put you through."

ndksd · Jun 29, 2013, 06:42 AM

I have actually had contact with one of our daughter's past advisors. Seems as though she is sticking to her story that she is a responsible adult who still has lofty goals and plans to achieve them; sticks by her story that this boyfriend is the best thing that has ever happened to her, he makes her happy. She continues to plead her case with others that she wants to be accepted, loved, and supported by her parents, not controlled. Yet, she seems to leave out the details of how much he is influencing her decisions. It is as though we have never been supportive parents and have ALWAYS controlled her. We find ourselves questioning if the past 21 years have been as miserable as she proclaims. I also wonder if this is her defense mechanism, keep us defending our parenting in order for her to not have to answer for her actions?

Wondergirl · Jun 29, 2013, 08:08 AM

Originally Posted by ndksd

I also wonder if this is her defense mechanism, keep us defending our parenting in order for her to not have to answer for her actions?

She can't blame the boyfriend, so she has to blame SOMEone -- ah! Her parents. She knows you will never stop loving her, so you're an easy target right now.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 29, 2013, 08:14 AM

The relationship is strained since it appears you confront daughter and tell her she is making mistakes, and try to still tell her what she should do.

She is grown and free to make her own mistakes, She wants a relationship with you, that allows her to make those mistakes and not find you blaming or finding fault.

So what about accepting this is how she wants to live, accept she has made a choice,a and just viist and enjoy time with daughter, don't try to tell her she is wrong, do not try to get her to change

ndksd · Jun 29, 2013, 08:30 AM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

The relationship is strained since it appears you confront daughter and tell her she is making mistakes, and try to still tell her what she should do.

She is grown and free to make her own mistakes, She wants a relationship with you, that allows her to make those mistakes and not find you blaming or finding fault.

So what about accepting this is how she wants to live, accept she has made a choice,a nd just viist and enjoy time with daughter, don't try to tell her she is wrong, do not try to get her to change

We have told her we will accept her decisions as an adult and will never try to hold her back. The thing we are dealing with is her total disrespect to us. I appreciate your comment and it has given me something to think about. However, we have a hard time with the steps taken to reach independence. I might add I have lost my father during this. She has shown total disrespect to me, her grandmother, and rest of family during the loss. Maybe we should just accept she isn't the person we always felt we knew? Maybe she has always been this person and we chose not to see it? Thank you again for your response. I truly appreciate your opinion.

talaniman · Jun 29, 2013, 10:26 AM

Back off and let her make her mistakes. It's never easy to cut the chord, and accept she is choosing her own path. Parents will always worry and will be there as she takes her first steps on her own. Hell we will worry about our kids until we die.

I still do and mine are closer to 40 than 30. At some point a parent accepts the change of kids growing up and on their own and have to get their own lives. If they are nasty and disrespectful, you leave the young fools alone and pray for them. But why argue with a grown adult even if you gave birth to them because they will either get it or not, and only time will tell.

ndksd · Jun 29, 2013, 10:35 AM

Thank you for your advise. I am seriously taking all comments to heart. Just being able to discuss the issues has helped. Yes I have talked to family, friends, church family; however, they, too, are close to situation and find it astounding she has suddenly decided to make such bold moves. I guess as parents, we were living in a bubble and never thought we would face this. Thanks again.