[confused2013]

Hi, thanks for reading. I'm 23, and my ex is 26. We met when we were both 20 and 23 respectively. We are from different racial background, and this proved difficult in the beginning between the both of us, and his family and me. We are forever making up and breaking up and a lot of REALLY hurtful things had been said in the past on both sides. One thing that remains constant though, is our strong feelings for each other.


During a period of us breaking up, we started talking again in the hope of getting back together, and I remember him being ill and me driving to his house, took him food and tablets etc. I then found out that two days after that, he slept with one of his co-workers. This girl being one of the main reason that we broke up. He knew she wanted him (she is in a 4 year relationship by the way) and he wouldn't stop speaking to her. I begged him to stop speaking to her, he even lied to me at some point that he had, but I found out he hadn't when I learnt that they had slept together. That being said, a huge argument broke out, and we split up again. No contact for about 7 months. Well he tried to contact me, but I told him we can't keep going round in circles. The girl told him that he couldn't leave his boyfriend for him as she earlier promised him, he was devastated, so was I for what he did, and I just left it at that.


Recently however, we started talking again, and for once, I felt like he had changed, that the time apart helped and he was becoming a better person. In the time we were apart, I'd dated a guy for a few months but I kept thinking about my ex the whole time, so I ended it and he also had been speaking to another girl.


We talked a lot, and decided that maybe we should meet up, and take things from there. I met up with him, it was nice (nothing happened not even a kiss), I went back home and he asked how I felt about things. Admittedly, I did bring up the past and how I felt and how me seeing him again reminded me of what he had done in the past etc. Later on that night, he went to this other girl's house (the new one, not the co-worker) whom he had been speaking to, to chill with her as 'mates'. I asked why he went there when he was trying to work things out with me, and he kept saying he's sorry, he's only gone there because I was talking about the past and she had asked him to come round so he thought why not.


The whole trust I had started to build back up again had varnished! In the space of a day! Deep down I love this guy, and he's constantly telling me he loves me too. But I don't know if he doesn't get tired of saying sorry or something. After him going to this other girl's house, I don't feel like he's changed or able to trust him again. He keeps texting me that he'd like to see me again and talk things through and I just don't know what to do. What would you do please? Apart from that, he still works with the co-worker whom he had slept with! And I keep thinking, as soon as she wants him again, she could have him.

Yes our feelings are strong, but I feel like he has no willpower and doesn't know what it takes to be in a proper relationship. ( I was his 1st girlfriend ever). I'm really confused.


Sorry it's a bit of an essay and thanks in advance for all your help :)

[joypulv]

It doesn't sound like he can stop his behavior.
It doesn't sound like you can stop bringing up the past.
What does that sound like to you? To me it sounds like it's time to let this all go. It sounds exhausting. I know, because I did it myself 25 years ago.

[confused2013]

Thanks, you are spot on! It is becoming VERY physically and emotionally tiring. Repeating the same thing to him over, and over again. I feel like a broken record.

[talaniman]

What you need is a clean break to heal and move forward in your life or you will continue to go around in circles with this guy and be stuck and never find true happiness. Just mistrust and hurt... AGAIN.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lp-569590.html

Same guy?

[confused2013]

No not same person I'm afraid but thank you for your advice. I have now told him that what we need now is a clean break. Of course he's begging me and saying he wants to make things work. But they are all empty promises. Thanks again

[Jake2008]

Sometimes, love is just not enough.

Maybe if you had made a clear break when things broke down the first time, you would not have even considered trying to make a relationship with him work again. Holding on to what could have been, or what should have been, is only holding onto a dream.

Dreams don't make for good decisions when it comes to love.

And love isn't what you say, love is what you do. How he has treated you, did not reflect a person capable of meaning what they say, because any promise was only fleeting.

You may always have feelings of 'love' for him, because the old memories will fade, and you're left with remembering the good and happy times, when a future was possible. To resurrect those feelings again and again, and ending up on the same dead end path, prevents you from finding someone else to truly love.

As long as you continue this path, as you've already found out, any other man will have to compare with the living memories of him. You are cutting yourself off from forming a new relationship with someone else.

Trust is also the very bottom line of building a relationship. It is the foundation upon which all else builds. A strong foundation will yield structure, confidence, and solid footing that will withstand any challenges that come along. Without a foundation, nothing can ever be built.

Right from the very beginning with this man, trust was never the foundation of your relationship. It kept crumbling, over and over again.

While you may always have feelings, or develop fond memories of the good times, it's time to realize that there is not enough substance to have him such a driving force in your life.

Remembering the past is one thing, but living in it, is not a healthy place to be.

[confused2013]

Thanks for that and I do completely understand what you are saying... It makes perfect sense and that is how I see things too. However, since we started talking again (before him meeting up with his girl), I have seen some changes. As in changes I have NEVER seen before on other occasions when he has asked to get back together.

I think there is an old saying that you can never truly love anyone else until you love yourself. When we were together, he use to ask me what I was doing with him, how I could get any guy I wanted, he basically felt like I was out of his league which was bad! No matter what I did or said to re-assure him, he never believed me. Recently though, he's gained a whole new confidence and is more affectionate and loving towards me and I feel that maybe because he appreciates himself more, he is now able to appreciate me.

For instance he does the following differently;

- Always text me first in the day & texts me at work even if extremely busy - He never ever use to do that, sometimes even when I text him, he ignores me.
- He actually is more open to me - I use to find stuff out from his family before but now he tells me about his past, work, how much he earns, trouble he's having at work, trouble with his family member etc. These things I would have to dig at him before if I ever wanted to know any of them
- He no longer hides his phone - He use to do this with me all the time, his phone was never in sight and he would never have allowed me to go through his phone before
-He wants to go out more, value my opinion on things and generally trying harder.

The girl whom he had been talking to whom he went to visit has an 8 month old baby and the dad is totally abusive to the girl (I know he wouldn't date someone with a baby as he'd rather start a family of his own, this is something we've spoken about before). I know this girl has a kid because I actually know this girl, I know her kid, knows she smokes (which my ex is not into either) etc. He said he went over there because this girl has no family here and the father is always giving her a hard time, so he went over there because he felt sorry for her when she asked for him to come over ( although in all fairness he told me he was at the girls house that night all on his own, I didn't have to find out, he told me that very night when he was there)

The reason I am in two minds is that, I see these changes in him which feels like he has grown up a bit and unlike all the other times when he's claiming he is going to change and I never use to see ANY changes whatsoever, I actually see these changes now, for the first time ever. On the other hand, I don't want to be a total mug yet again :((

[talaniman]

He should have expressed his actions and intentions before hand if finding out later causes you mistrust and hurt feelings, and you need to express that to have confidence in his actions he must be forthright and include you in the decision making process from the get go, and not make arbitrary decisions that affect you both.

If indeed this is just misunderstanding and miscommunications. I don't think it is because a pattern of behavior has emerged that takes some objective scrutiny. Sorry despite your claims of progress, I question vigorously his motives and agenda, and those of the females he deals with.

Visiting females in distress alone is unacceptable, and foolish for committed(?) males. Yes I am a male, and if my wife, or GF (back in the day) cannot be a part of a rescue mission then there is NO mission.

My vote of NO confidence stands, sorry.

[confused2013]

I know, I know...